Life's Little Surprises

Mother's Guilt

2009-03-21T21:19:00.006-05:00

Guilt. I don't remember ever really feeling guilty until I became a mother. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I doing it right? Wrong? Too high-strung? Too laid-back? I just pray for grace as I do the best I can.

Then the second child finally came along. He is, well how should I put this, a needy little guy. Maybe I'm not tending to his needs as promptly as I did his brother's at this age? Speaking of his brother, am I spending enough time with him? I'm suppose to be reading more with him and practicing his handwriting. All hard to do with a baby at the teat.

I just realized I forgot my due date for my 4th pregnancy, which ended in September 2008 at 12 weeks. He would have been 1 on the 20th. A one year-old! And I forgot. My other two angels had due dates back in January, and they never crossed my mind. Sigh.

God grant me peace, serenity and grace.

Worst blogger EVER!!

2009-03-19T12:34:00.008-05:00

Hi! I found a few new addictions! No time to blog when I'm busy...

Facebooking... (enough said, it's that bad! Is Facebooking a verb??) After all, who has time to upload pictures to Facebook & a blog?

My new love... photography! Who wouldn't love to take pictures of these precious subjects...

And lastly, I've been working extra shifts to support my new found habit...

That is, buying Vera Bradley purses! Next up, Purple Punch diaper bag... oh yeah!

Better than Xanax

2009-01-07T22:32:00.006-06:00

After my third miscarriage in September of 2007, I had finally learned enough from the prior two losses to advocate for myself. You'd think as a nurse that after my first loss I would have known what to ask for, and to know enough to let my concerns be known. But, I was a naive patient on the other side of the fence.

After my first two miscarriages I had terrible insomnia and anxiety afterwards. It didn't last that long, and I just learned to deal with it.

Finally, after loss #3, (in which I was hospitalized over night and then told to go home and wait to lose the baby) I asked, no rather, I demanded a few days worth of Ambien and Xanax. They helped take the edge up so I could sleep and function as I started to heal physically and emotionally.

During my pregnancy with Owen, there would be times where I was paralyzed with anxiety. Every stretch of my uterus brought irrational fear. With every trip to the bathroom evoked apprehension and a thorough inspection of the toilet paper. In the second and third trimester, I panicked when I didn't feel him move. Anyone who's been through pregnancy loss I'm sure can relate.

Knowing I couldn't have a glass of wine, or take a pill to help me through these emotions, I looked for other ways to cope with the anxiety and stress I was experiencing. I prayed, and asked others' to pray for me and the baby. I reached out to my church family more than ever. I'm typically not one to ask for help, but I felt so desperate, I was willing to put myself out there.

I also read a lot of Psalms. I listened to this hymn, Psalm 62, hundreds of times. I'm not kidding. It always brought me such a sense of calm. And now, when Owen is having one of his colicky moments, I put this song on and he starts calming down. I think he must recognize it from all the times he heard it in utero!

Oh Oprah!

2009-01-06T09:00:00.003-06:00

Oprah, Oprah, Oprah! I just watched yesterday's start to "Best Life Week" on DVR. Seriously, all you have to offer me is "love yourself?!?" Haven't we heard this time and time again? Make yourself a priority? Dammit Oprah! I was hoping you found a magic potion of formula that at last, would be the answer to all our weight problems.

I don't know if I can take weight loss advice from Oprah anymore. She didn't make herself a priority last year, and therefore didn't have time to work out, plan meals, etc., and got fat again. Seriously?

I'm not working out right now because I'm cleaning my house, nursing my baby, taking down Christmas decorations (finally). If I had your money, I could hire people to do the majority of all this, and my fat ass could be at the gym!

While I recognize that there are ways I could delegate more, and therefore have more time for myself, I don't think I would want to take that extra time and workout. Not because I don't love myself, but because I hate working out! I'd much rather be shopping, getting my nails done, catching up on my TiVo playlists or browsing Facebook.

Please Oprah, find a magical bark in the rain forest that could be made into a supplement, and would magically shed the pounds! Don't tell me to love myself!

End rant.

I'll think of Emilie

2009-01-01T17:36:00.006-06:00

I've been a tad over emotional today. And I admit, perhaps a tad irrational.

I go back to work tomorrow. I've sat around all day today in my pajamas, holding and kissing my baby. I can't believe I have to be gone from him tomorrow for over 12 hours. Then, wake up and do it all over again on Saturday and Sunday. Over 36 long hours. My husband can't understand my crying over the situation. After all, both boys will be at home with my husband. They'll be well cared for and loved. But I want to be here with them. I want to steal kisses when ever I feel like it. Scoop up a boy of my choosing and give them a squeeze. I love the smell of my boys (yes, even the almost 6 year old!). And I am going to miss them.

I think part of my issue is the very intensity of my job. As a hospice nurse, I have to be on my "A" game all the time. I won't be able to be of much help to a grieving family who is caring for their loved one, if my brain and my heart are at home, in my PJs, snuggling my baby. I have to be there for them in that moment. 100% of myself has to be in my job.

In my self wallowing today, I've given much thought about how lucky I am to be here. In the most basic way, I am thankful that I live in Michigan, and I have a job to be going back to.

I've also given much thought about fellow blogger Emilie Lemmons, and her recent passing. Emilie even commented on how "helpful" and "compassionate" hospice care was to her, in regards to them caring for her in her home. I thought about her hospice team, and how intense of a situation it would be to walk into the home of a beautiful family, with two baby boys losing their mother. I've been in similar situations, and it is draining, surreal, and rewarding in some strange way. So tomorrow, when I feel drained and stressed, I will try to think of Emilie and get through it.

When I finally get home, I will not freak out if my husband forgot to put a onsie on the baby, or if Matthew ate PB&J for breakfast and lunch.

I know that they will have been loved, and smooched, and cuddled, all while mommy was at work, hopefully making even the smallest difference in someone's life.

So, if you see me in my car, in some parking lot, pumping my boobs, crying to Owen's lullaby CD, and kissing my PDA with these pics...

please ignore me and cut me some slack... it's been a long, hard day!

'Twas the season...

2008-12-30T08:50:00.003-06:00

We had a busy, but fun, Christmas back home in Illinois. After an 11 hour car ride to my in-laws (delays due to weather, should have been around 6), we finally arrived. We then spent Christmas Eve with them, and then drove another 2 hours to see my family.

The boys' did wonderful in the car. Mommy, not so much.

To sum up our travels...

I go back to work this Friday, Jan. 2nd. I'm not ready, but I guess I need to be.

In case anyone was wondering...

2008-12-16T22:18:00.005-06:00

... the hustle and bustle of the holiday season and a colicky baby do not go well together. Just in case you didn't know that.

I don't know... colic, reflux, adverse reaction to my dairy intake? This fussiness is all new to me. Matthew was the easiest baby. Not that Owen is that difficult, but around 7 or 8 at night he starts fussing. Now, I've heard of babies who cry for hours no matter what anyone does for them. But Owen is content to be held and "snacking" as I call it. He'll nurse, then take a 15 minute break, and want to nurse again. And, rather aggressively, I might add. Doctor said it sounds like colic. I just feel bad for the little guy. He's not a happy camper. I guess I'll keep trying to figure it out.

Had my 6 week post-partum appointment today. I can't believe it's been 6 weeks! Had the ole birth control talk with my doctor... it was all I could do but practically burst out laughing mid-conversation. Me? Birth control? Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!

Hubs was all adamant about Owen being our last. I was fine with that, as it is not as if we've had the best of luck fertility wise. Owen was an unexpected blessing. A true miracle. I feel so blessed that he is here with us. But, now we just aren't sure if we want to try again. I don't know if I'm strong enough to TTC. Who knows how long it would take us to conceive? And what if I had another miscarriage? Do we want to practice some sort of birth control, or just let "nature take it's course"? We just don't know.

I feel selfish contemplating baby #3. I feel angry that infertility and pregnancy loss has made me scared to think of trying to conceive again.

I guess once you're an infertile, you're always an infertile, no matter how many babies you have. It changes the fiber of your being forever.

I am so grateful for the little men in my life. It was worth every tear and every heart ache. Infertility can't rob me of that.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T21:20:00.003-06:00

I was going to write a list of all the things I am thankful for this year. But in doing so, I realized there would be far to many things to list.

We have had our share of miracles this year...

I don't know why we were blessed so much this year. But, we thank the Lord for hearing our prayers. We pray that we find a way to pay it forward.

Praying for you and yours.

The Truth Hurts

2008-11-20T08:52:00.002-06:00

I've seen this around a while ago, and never got around to trying it.

What American accent do you have?

Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Midland

The South

Philadelphia

North Central

The Northeast

The West

Boston

What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Ye Olde Abandon Blog

2008-11-19T08:19:00.008-06:00

Hi... remember me? Fifteen weeks pregnant and freaking out with every twitch and every symptom (or lack there of).

Yeah, I had to take a break from the blogosphere for a while (OK... more like 6 months!).

I was googling and looking at every blog I could find about "miscarriage at 15 weeks." Or "lack of fetal movement at 17 weeks." This continued throughout the 2nd trimester. When I entered the 3rd trimester, I stopped going on the internet. It was hard, but I resisted. Apparently, I enjoy a form of self torture where I read other's stories of loss, and rationalize that if it happened to "them," it could happen to "me." Not exactly healthy to put myself in that frame of mind.

So, I walked away. It was really hard, but I did it.

And here it is mid-November. And guess what? I have a healthy, wonderful, miraculous 2 1/2 week baby boy. I'm still trying to figure out how that happened!

Introducing... Owen Henry

He was born on Halloween via scheduled C-section (thank God!), and weighed 9 lbs. 10 oz, and was 21 1/2 inches.

His big brother Matthew seems to be adjusting well...

(and he's doing very well in Kindergarten!).

Well, there you have it. A small but rather significant update. One I never thought I'd ever be posting... I am a mother of two. Weird. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one.

In the coming weeks, I'm gonna try a new blog layout, and really, really try to post often. No promises, but that's the plan.

I hope to catch up with everything soon!

I Hate This...

2008-05-20T08:30:00.002-05:00

Things have been going well on the pregnancy front. I'm 15 + weeks.

But over the past 3 days I've been experiencing this "heaviness," or "sensation." I don't even know how to describe it. It's basically from my lower abdomen radiating to what I believe is my cervical area, and occasional "twinges" in the vajay-jay area.

It's not cramping. It's not pain. It's just there. There to make worry, and make me all paranoid.

I haven't had any spotting (knocking on wood). I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. He wasn't planning on doing an ultrasound, but I will ask to make sure everything is OK with my cervix. 2 weeks ago, it was great. So hopefully things will continue to go that way.

I'm tired of worrying. It's exhausting. But I guess it's par for the course.

Feeling Like a Fraud

2008-04-30T13:49:00.003-05:00

Well I did it.

I went to K*hls and bought 2 pairs of maternity pants. A pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants for work. I got the jeans for $14 and the dress pants for $4.40 (on clearance!). I had to. None of my button up pants are buttoning-up.

I'm coming to about the 13 week mark in this pregnancy. You might say it's a bit early for me to require maternity clothes. But the little bit my uterus has grown has pushed my fat out even further. So, it's mostly to make my fat more comfy.

But it was the stranges sensation shopping in the maternity section. I really didn't want to. I considered just buying regular pants in a size or two bigger. Then I figured I'll have to move into maternity clothes at some point, so why not? Problem was it was like moving into sacred ground. Like when the cool kids in high school sat at the cool table in the cafeteria. And one day, they invite you to sit at the cool table. You've been waiting and waiting to sit at the cool table. Come to find out you like it, it just feels very ackward. And bit fraudulent.

Where we're at...

2008-04-23T08:41:00.005-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. Between being outside with Matthew all day enjoying the fabulous weather, and going to bed by 8:30 every night, I haven't had much time to do much of anything lately. Including laundry, dishes, and all that good stuff!

So, I had another doctor's appt. yesterday. The first with my regular OB/GYN. It went really well. I had yet another ultrasound. The baby is measuring right around 11 1/2 weeks. I thought I had just hit the 11 week mark, so that was a pleasant surprise.

My OB has decided to wean me off the prednisone at 12 weeks, stop the Progesterone at 12 weeks, and keep my on the Lovenox and aspirin as a sort of "safety net." We have no idea if this combination of drugs has made this pregnancy last as long as it has, but I didn't want to risk stopping the Lovenox and, well, have my first second trimester lost. That doesn't sound like much fun to me.
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He also is having me come in for bi-weekly ultrasounds until about 16 weeks. Around 16 weeks, I'll come in for weekly ultrasounds for a few weeks to ensure my cervix is stable. Sounds good to me!

He then got into whether or not I want to have a repeat C-section or try for a VBAC. I laughed. We concluded that perhaps we should wait until I'm way into the second trimester before we have that discussion.

So all in all, things are going as well as they can. Other than being tired, I'm not having a lot of morning sickness or anything like that. Which is strange. I've always had pretty bad morning sickness w/ all four of my other pregnancies. I've been craving poptarts, which was what I pretty much survived on in college. Strange.

Alrighty then. I think I might do a load or two of laundry. And then I'll have to take a nap!

** Edited to add: There, I did it. To prove I do not believe in jinxes, I've added a pregnancy countdown thingy. I've always wanted to have one. So, I did it. I'm not jinxing myself, am I?!?

10 weeks

2008-04-14T12:20:00.002-05:00

Today marks 10 weeks. It's becoming more and more difficult to restrain myself from getting excited.

Except that with my last pregnancy, the 10 week mark is when all hell broke loose. I started spotting, and it was all down hill from there until I miscarried at 12 weeks.

But I know that this is a whole new pregnancy. It is different then any pregnancy I've ever had. It's unique. I want to stop focusing on the past, and focus on the future.

Anyway, I have my next ultrasound appointment a week from tomorrow.

In other news, I bought a waxing kit and waxed my eyebrows. Why didn't I try this before?!? For years I've been plucking, or paying someone else to do the waxing for me. But for my first time, I think it went very well and will be doing it again in the future.

The Second Ultrasound...

2008-04-08T11:00:00.003-05:00

... went well! The baby is measuring right at 9 weeks. Heart rate was 156. It was even moving around! I've been released to my regular OB/GYN. I guess all is going well.

I want to get more excited about this pregnancy. It's just that, as I've noted before, I've been down this road before. I've had many "great" ultrasounds.

I hope I don't jinx myself when I say I have a certain "peace" over the past few days. I've just really come to realize that this whole thing is out of my hands. All I can do is take my medications as prescribed and pray. And I've been doing a lot both.

Obsessing, Sleeping, Worrying, and More Sleeping

2008-04-01T18:31:00.002-05:00

That about sum's up my last week.

Nothing really going on. Which is good, I'm not complaining. But not much to report.

I've been having some weird pelvic twitches?/pain?/pressure?/cramping? I have no idea how to classify what I'm feeling. It's only occasional. It's more like a keen awareness that I have a uterus. Dr. Google and DH seem to say this is normal. "Round ligament stretching." Golly, I hope that's all it is. You think I'd know what's normal by now, being this is my 5th pregnancy. But I haven't had too much of normal when it comes to the pregnancy department.

Approx. 8 weeks today. The way I look at it, in a few weeks, I should know how this is all going to turn out, one way or another. Just a few short weeks.

In the meantime, I'll keep sleeping. I'm so tired. How I long for my recliner and blanket. DH is taking good care of me. Hot fudge sundaes whenever I ask for them. Hey, I might as well enjoy the perks of pregnancy for as long as I can!

Good

2008-03-26T15:09:00.003-05:00

So my ultrasound went well. I'm measuring just over 7 weeks. There was a heart beat. I'm just not an optimist. I want to be, but I just can't. But, I'll take the good news.

There was a small fluid filled sac just outside of the gestational sac. My doctor said it's nothing to worry about. I've never had that before. I'd like to think that maybe the sac is filled with glue. Yeah, that's it. Baby glue.

I'm also craving meat. In particular meat balls and meat loaf. I made DH stop by Subway after the appointment to get a meatball sub. I don't think I've ever had one of those before. But, it was like heaven on bread... mmmmmmm! Baby wants meat!

I've decided I'm going to blame everything on the baby for now... might as well enjoy being pregnant in any facet I can!

Tomorrow...

2008-03-25T09:35:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is 1st ultrasound day. I'm scared, but relieved to get it over with.

I anticipate everything will be "normal." My symptoms have escalated... I'm more nauseous and more tired than ever.

What's frustrating is we could have a great ultrasound tomorrow. It might even get our hopes up a little.

But I've had perfect ultrasounds before.

So I'm looking at it as just one more hurdle to jump, in a really, really long race.

Today

2008-03-20T06:39:00.003-05:00

Today was your due date. The doctors thought that you would be born around this day. So much would be different. You would be here.

Today is the first day of spring... new beginnings.

It seems as though I have another baby growing in me for the moment. This has made it hard to remember you. Not because I don't want too. But I am struggling with the same feelings of doubt that I had with you, and that I now have for your sibling.

I know that when I get to Heaven, I will meet you there. All three of my little boys who I didn't get to meet here. This truly will be a great reward.

Until then, I remember you. You have left an ever-lasting footprint on my heart.

Love Always,
Mommy

Feeling Nothing

2008-03-18T18:50:00.002-05:00

This pregnancy has been pretty easy to ignore... minus the Lovenox injections & bruising they cause, and of course, the butt-load of pills I'm taking.

I'm not really nauseous. Maybe a little more tired than usual. My boobs hurt occasionally. I am hungry all the time, but I think the Prednisone maybe partially to blame for that.

My dates put me at 6 weeks today. I usually ovulate on day 16-17 of my cycle, so I think actually I'm just shy of 6 weeks. I wish I could have my ultrasound this week, verify if there's a heartbeat or not, and move on with my life.

Although all 3 of my babies I've lost have had heartbeats at the first ultrasound. So, I guess it wouldn't bring me that much peace of mine.

I just want to feel something. This is pregnancy #5 for me, and if I recall, I think my morning sickness usually really kicks in around week 8 or so. You think I'd be an expert by now. And I know all to well that morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy pregnancy.

It's just so hard.

Not Risky Enough

2008-03-17T12:52:00.005-05:00

So, I just made my first OB appointment with my RE for Wednesday, March 26th.

I then hung up and called a major University healthcare system here in Michigan. I simply wanted a second opinion on managing our pregnancy, given the fact no one has any idea why I keep miscarrying.

So I called. Got a receptionist lady. I asked to make an appointment with the specific doctor a friend-of-a-friend referred me to. The receptionist asked why I need to see a "high-risk" physician. I state because I've had 3 recurrent pregnancy losses, and prefer not to have a 4th. I also told her I had unexplained secondary infertility. She asks when the losses occurred, and I tell her "9 1/2, 8, and 12 weeks." She states that would not qualify me as "high risk," and that at least one of the losses would have had to occurred after 22 weeks. Until then, I would start off as "low risk" and move to "high risk" if they deemed it appropriate.

I don't know, but call me crazy. I've never made it far enough to fit their label of "high risk." What would one consider me? Seriously, low risk? I know, I know, scientists consider miscarriage is a "normal" part of pregnancy. I guess I thought that three in a row, plus infertility, would bump me up do a different category.

I know I could fight it. Rant and rave and demand an appointment. I'm sure it could work. I just don't feel like fighting. And I know that there is no standard of care for people like me... people who lose babies for now apparent reason. I just wanted someone to tell me that they agree with my doctor's treatment plan. That there is nothing they would or would not do differently.

As it stands now, my RE will probably see me until 8 weeks or so. Then he said he'd refer me to our friendly local maternal-fetal specialists.

I guess I shouldn't get too upset. Perhaps I should wait and see what the results of our first ultrasound bring. To see if there is, indeed, something worth fighting for.

Anyway, that whole conversation just pissed me off. Thanks for listening.

Hope?

2008-03-13T10:06:00.003-05:00

Just an update on all our happenings.

My second round of labs came back today. Beta is doubling nicely. Progesterone on the lower end of normal, so I'm vaginal Progesterone, just to be on the safe side.

I started my Lovenox injections and Prednisone yesterday.

It's odd. I really am trying to ignore the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. And am doing a pretty good job... although it is hard to ignore the pills, shots, vajayjay cream.

It's an odd place to be. I don't want to acknowledge I'm pregnant. I want to detach myself completely. And that way, if the worse case scenario happens, I'm hoping it won't hurt as bad.

But I can't help to have little glimpses of hope... I find myself daydreaming of baby names, of a due date, and nursery themes. Only to be smacked in the face of reality, knowing I've been in this same place now five times, and have only one child to show for it.

For now, I am going to try to enjoy the little glimmers of hope that come and go. All the while, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Not-So Comfortably Numb

2008-03-10T12:28:00.006-05:00

Look what I did this morning:

In case you can't tell, yes, it is a positive pregnancy test. Excuse the pee on my desk.

All I can say is, what the hell?

I have no emotion. Just numb.

Do you want to see something else??

Matthew drew this family portait on Thursday. You can see me, clearly the one with the crazy hair. DH has ears, and Matthew looks just like DH, just sans ears. See that other smiley? I asked him when he gave me the drawing who that was... he said, "A baby."

I can only hope he's right. Please be right.

Well... that was sucky!

2008-03-06T19:58:00.005-06:00

A few sucky things.

1) Luke got voted off American Idol tonight. I kind of knew it was coming. Frankly, he had a poor performance this week. It doesn't seem like many folks in cyberspace were pulling for him. It was nice to be rooting for someone I once knew, as it added a certain element to watching the show. I'll have to watch next week to come up with a new fav.

2) I believe Aunt Flo is on her way. Funny, I actually thought we stood a chance this cycle. Although, thinking back, I think we only did the deed once around the time I was ovulating due to DH's ebola-like virus and business travels. You think I'd have no hope left after 4 years of TTC, yet here I am still holding on. Either I'm a hopeless TTCer, or just plain stupid.

3) We had a playdate today with two of Matthew's preschool buddies. So that was THREE boys. Note to self and anyone else who might care: Do Not do playdates with an odd number of children! Somebody always gets left out... and in this case it was my boy. Oh, it broke my heart! Basically, it was my son's own fault. The other boys wanted to play Power Rangers. Matthew doesn't like Power Ranger's, and wanted to play Monster Trucks (go figure!). So the two boys played Power Rangers, and Matthew played with the trucks by himself. For the most part, he was fine with it. I tried to have him switch gears and play with the other boys, but he is a little head strong (don't know where he got that from!) His "best buddy" also made a comment about how he "doesn't like Matthew and likes Johnny (not his real name) better." Matthew stood there dumbfounded, and quickly got over it. Me, not so much! I know they are 5 years old, and have no idea the weight their actions and words have on other people. But as a mother, you might as well have torn my heart right out of my chest. Top all of this with a touch of PMS, and well, you have one nasty MaMa bear who just wants to protect her cub. Sucky.

4) Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer!?! I have no words.

5) We're suppose to get 12 inches of snow this weekend. Sucky, sucky, sucky.

6) I have to work this weekend. In the snow storm. Driving all over God's creation. Fun.

Dear Body...

2008-02-28T21:16:00.003-06:00

Dear Body,
You've been used. You've been abused.

But you know what? You deserve it!

You've hurt me more than I've hurt you. I'm typically not one to hold onto grudges very long. But I cannot forgive you.

Perhaps you cannont forgive me either.

We use to be close. Now, I am willing to take some of the responsibility for us parting ways. Yes, I use to run 5 miles a day. But, things change, you know.

I'm no longer the 20 something college student with hardly a care in the world.

No, I am now 31 year old, I have a kid, a marriage, and a stressful job. It seems you don't take this into consideration. I'm overweight, stressed, and sleep deprived.

You can't say I don't try. I AM TRYING!! I'm trying to reconcile. For the past month, I'm eating high fiber, low fat, and limiting my calories. I'm trying to excercise.

I really hope you start to appreciate my efforts. In addition to the above attempts at reconcilation, I'm also taking supplements to help YOU feel better.

You have never been reliable. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the whole fertility and miscarriage subject. Remember?

See that's the thing... I can't seem to get over that minor detail of my life.

I forgave you after the first miscarriage. I thought it would never happen again.

Then came the infertility, and this is when you started to fail me!

We tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't help me. I went to the doctor. They couldn't help me. I can't say I was ever overly confident of the doctor, but I expected more from you.

I then fell into a depression. I gained weight. I thought you'd show mercy on me. And you did... for 8 1/2 weeks.

A "miracle" pregnancy. Remember that one? I was being prepped to go to the OR. Remember that nice dermoid cyst on my left ovary you created? Yeah, the one with fat and thyroid tissue? Yeah, that was fun. And they did a pregnancy test before surgery and, low and behold, after 2 years of TTC I was pregnant! And the whole pre-op department was cheering, and laughing, and happy for us? I just knew that pregnancy was meant to be!

Only it wasn't.

I've had it! The last straw was this past September. Another "miracle" pregnancy that lasted 12 weeks. The baby was alive hours before I miscarried! What the hell happened? Why was my cervix so thin? Now I can't even trust my cervix?!?

Is it a clotting disorder? Is it immunological? Is it PCOS? You have no answers.

I'm sorry to rehash all of this. I just can't trust you anymore. I suppose you can't trust me either.

But I will try, Body, I will try to respect you more. I am recommiting myself to you. We have to learn to live with each other. I will lose weight, and get more sleep, and excercise more. I'll take my vitamin supplements in hopes that we both gain something.

2008 is still new. Let's both make an effort to rekindle what we once had.

Thanks for Listening,
Jen

Sweet Boy

2008-02-27T08:59:00.002-06:00

My dear, sweet son is currently at pre-school. I get to curl up in my favorite recliner with coffee in one hand and lap-top, well, on my lap. It's a nice 2 1/2 hour break.

I had to register him for Kindergarten yesterday. Our district makes you choose between a half day (3 hours) and a whole day (7 hours) program.

Sometimes having choices is not good. I wanted to do what was best for my son.

I consulted my dear friend Google to see what he had to say. It seems as if one study says half day is a better choice, just to have another study come out a month later that says whole day is the way to go.

I consulted my (real-life) friends and family members that are elementary school teachers. Again, no one could tell me that one program was better than the other.

I was advised to do what I think is best for my son, and our family.

So, I chose the half day program.

I would be lying to you if I told you our decision had nothing to do with the fact that I might not have another child, and I want Matthew to stay little for just one more year.

Just one more year.

You Know You're an Infertile When...

2008-02-25T16:42:00.002-06:00

Let me preface this post by stating that I worked 42 hours in 3 days. I'm beyond brain dead.

Last Friday I received a company wide e-mail stating that there was someone in the office that found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There was going to be a "contest" to see if anyone could guess who was the lucky mom-to-be.

I was at the office at midnight (don't ask), needless to say I was the only one in the office. I happened to spot the inter-office envelope where people were submitting their guesses. I just had to look!

Might I also add that everyone and their mother's-mother knows my infertility and miscarriage woes. People know that we have been TTC for 4 years.

The funny thing is that NOT ONE SINGLE vote had my name on it as the possible preggo.

Go figure.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2008-02-21T07:59:00.002-06:00

I was trying to enjoy eating my diet cereal with fresh berries this morning. All the while dreaming of Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte with a Chocolate Scone (a complete breakfast with a mere 790 calories, come to find out!).

A segment on GMA came up about the African country of Mauritania. The men there like their women plump. I then considered moving to Mauritania. Until I read this, and decided against it.

I guess I'll keep on stuggling through the diet. And it has been a struggle of late!

Distractions

2008-02-18T14:08:00.000-06:00

I haven't been blogging of late.

Why?

Because there is really nothing going on in my life right now. I mean, there is the everyday, run-of-the-mill stuff, but that's about it.

Which is fine. But rather boring.

One thing that has happened since I last blogged is that I'm doing "Weight Watchers." In quotes because it's my version of the plan! But today marks the 3 week mark, and I'm 9 pounds lighter! I've also gone back to the gym. I had stopped going around the holidays (not too bright, as I gained 10 pounds from Thanksgiving until 3 weeks ago!), but we were just too busy.

I've been consitently been trying to go now at least 3 times a week, when Matthew is in pre-school. The problem being snow days, snow days, and President's Day. Oh well.

There is news on the TTC/TTP front. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant! But I think we've come up with a new course of action. I refuse to call it a plan anymore, well, because the best laid out plans haven't worked out for us.

But a course of action. First off, I have to get healthy. Not only for reproductive purposes, but I have to do it for my health in general. I refuse to publish how much I weigh. I out right refuse. But, I do feel somewhat comfortable sharing my BMI.

It's a sad truth. 29.

Anything over 30 is considerd "obese." Shit!

I really don't want to be in that catergory. Definately not good for TTC, not good for anything.

So, we are going to TTC on our own with timed intercourse and possibly do the whole Femara/IUI until my BMI is less than or equal to 24.9... or "Normal Weight." A mere 36 pounds to go.

Assuming I will not get pregnant in this time, I will then be at a healthier weight, for myself and for looking more seriously at IVF.

I'm not overly confident I will ever be able to carry another baby to term. But being at a healthier weight may help a little.

Not to mention, it's a good distraction.

Speaking of distractions, I have only been watching American Idol a few times here and there this season. I was browsing People.com (go figure), and came across his picture:

He made it to the final 24 on American Idol. I went to college with this guy! Millikin University is a small school with about 3,000 students, located in the Soy Bean capital of the universe. I really didn't know him, but a couple of my friends were pretty close to him. So everyone and watch and vote for Luke Menard!

See, lots of distractions... weight loss and American Idol... should keep me busy over the next few months!

Pirates & Monster Trucks

2008-01-29T09:49:00.000-06:00

Matthew's birthday celebrations have been a hit so far! The pirate cupcakes went over well at school:

We made our way to Indy to see his beloved Monster Trucks...

Matthew & a favorite fellow Michigander, Jim Koehler aka "Mr. Excitement."

Matthew and his ABSOLUTE FAVORITE driver, Tom Meents!
I thought he was going to pee his pants he was so excited!

It was so neat to see him so excited!
Now, I was trying to take pictures of the type of folk that come out for a Monster Truck Rally. Fearing for my life, I could only get a few. Let's just say I've never seen more mullets and "tails" in my life! Perhaps the most interesting person I saw there was her:

Who knew?!?

Where Has the Time Gone!?!

2008-01-26T02:00:00.000-06:00

Happy 5th birthday, Matthew!

(I was hoping to add some cute newborn photos, but the digital images are on our old hard-drive, and, alas, our scanner is not compatible with Vista... thus, no pictures.)

I cannot express how much you mean to me. You have changed my life in more ways than I can count. I have loved every minute of being your mommy. I can't believe that 5 years ago today, I first held you in my arms. Thank you for all you have given me.

(And to prove my love for this child, tomorrow we are hauling our butts to Indianapolis, IN to see his beloved Monster Trucks... that's right... Monster Trucks. Sure, they were in Detroit, a mere hour from my home a week ago. Sure, Indy is a 4 1/2-hour drive. But his FAVORITE truck/driver wasn't at the Detroit "show," and the closest he's getting to Michigan is Indy. Be sure, pictures to follow!)

Man I love this kid!

Think Before You Speak

2008-01-22T15:50:00.000-06:00

If there is one thing infertility has taught me, it is to think before I speak.

For example, my friend who recently found out she was pregnant, has had some intermittent spotting. She knows, as do I, that it could be "nothing", or it could be "something."

I think the old Jen, meaning the fertile Jen, would have conjured up such wise words such as, "Everything is going to be fine," or the "If it's meant to be, it will be."

Now the less-fertile but wiser Jen really doesn't say to much to my friend in way of advice. I just let her talk... and tell her that I'll be there for her every step of the way.

See, I've learned... think before you speak.

The reason I bring this all up is I had an awful experience the other day. You see, my dear son turns 5 in a few short days. I can't believe that he's that old! It's gone by so quickly, and everyday he gets bigger, and smarter, and, well, less dependent on me. All of this is bitter sweet. I love to see the person he is turning into, but at the same time, it is hard to see him getting so big!

So, my friend and I have been looking for an excuse to get together. I've been getting everything ready for all of Matthew's birthday festivities (in 3 different states, mind you!). So, she volunteered to "help," as well just get together.

I was making little "goody" bags, and she was helping me stuff them. I was showing her the rather detailed Pirate cupcakes I'm planning on making for his class(pictures to follow!), as well as the other things I have planned.

To which she replied, "You can tell you only have ONE kid!"

Gee, thanks for noticing! Would you like me to lie down on the floor? Perhaps it would be easier for you to kick me if I get down for you?

Of all the idiotic things to say!

Now, I know what she meant. It appears as if I have to much time on my hands. I have always had the tendency to over-do things... to take on more than what is needed. But the truth of the matter is, if I had 10 kids, I think I would do the same for all 10, because that's just what I do. I like to think I'm kind of a "Martha Stewart" type, minus that whole insider trading thing. I love home-making and being crafty, and all of that stuff. I was like this before I got married and before I had Matthew. Having a kid is like hitting the jack-pot when you're crafty, because there are so many opportunities to create things alone, and with the child.

Now, this friend knows what we've been through. I know she didn't mean to be cruel.

I wish I could have come up with something witty after the remark was said such as,"Yeah, in between working out of the home part-time, crunching numbers to see if we can afford fertility treatments and/or adoption, doing house-work, researching infertility treatments and adoption, and, oh yeah, taking care of my ONE kid, I like to be crafty."

But I didn't. I kind of tried to ignore what was said, and move on.

Just move on.

Faith

2008-01-18T21:26:00.001-06:00

"It doesn't have to make sense, that's why it's called faith."

I still love this show!

I've been watching it from the beginning... and think it is very true to life.

Goosebumps.

2008-01-17T18:58:00.000-06:00

Let me start this post by celebrating myself.

Today I'm 31 years old.

My dad always tells me the story of my birth, or rather impending birth on January 17th. I arrived about 3 weeks early. It was -26 degrees in Chicago. The car wouldn't start. So they used a neighbors VW bug to get my mom to the hospital. It was about a 30 minute car ride. My mom was scraping frost from the inside of the windshield... and through this comedy of errors, they decided on my name.

Jennifer Lynn.

How original for a girl born in the '70's! Good job Mom & Dad!

We had dinner and cake. It's been a nice day, very relaxing.

I have spent the last half-hour or so surfing the net, one of my favorite past-times. And one of my guilty pleasures is Perez. Yup, I admit it. I love good smut.

It's usually good for a good laugh. But tonight, I saw this, and it literally sent a chill down my spine.

I don't even know who this woman is. Honestly. The only reason I know of her is from what Perez "reports" of her. But any news of another's miscarriage makes me want to cry. Because I know the pain she's going through right now. I can't imagine announcing to the whole world that you're pregnant, and then having to announce to the whole world that now you're not.

My heart goes out to you Lily... who-ever and where-ever you are.

Decision 2008

2008-01-16T20:14:00.000-06:00

The Michigan primary was held yesterday. I am a transplant here in the Great Lakes state. I must say I have yet to understand the politics here.

Just as the nation has to come to some sort of a decision in 2008 in regards to electing a new president, I feel as if my husband and I must to come to a decision in regards to our future as well.

I think I've expressed this before, but I'm getting tired of this journey. We desperately want another child. And if the past 4 years hasn't proven that this is no easy task, I know that our upcoming decisions will.

The way I see it, we have 3 choices.

#1) Pursue more fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to start (start meaning since my September miscarriage)Femara with IUI and see if that works (although I've failed 6 rounds of Clomid with 2 IUIs). He then offered to do more Gonadotropins with IUI (again, did 3 rounds already... two with IUI, and one cancelled due to over-stimulation). Of course, he says I can do IVF if I want to. Honestly, I can't see my self jumping through all these hoops again. I think if we decide to do more treatments, I just assume go straight to IVF. Which is fine. But I know all to well that it doesn't guarantee I would get pregnant. And if I got lucky and got pregnant... well, that doesn't mean I'll have a baby.

#2) We adopt. Sounds easy enough. We would need to decide what type of adoption to pursue. International sounds good... but, are there any stable programs at the moment? Not to mention the hefty price tag.

Domestic. I'm not sure I like the idea of relying on someone to choose my fate. I guess it's a control thing.

Foster-adopt. So much to consider. I must say, I've been really looking into this one. It seems like a win-win. I know that any child that is in the foster-care system is there for a reason. And with those reason's comes "issues." Complicating this is that I have an almost 5-year old son. I feel pretty strongly about preserving birth-order. We would all have to work with and through whatever "issues" we face as a family. Which could be too much for a 5-year old to handle.

#3) We leave well enough alone. We are blessed beyond belief with one happy, healthy child. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get lucky in the future. Problem being is that my eggs aren't getting any younger (I'll be 31 TOMORROW, I know I'm not "old," but I certainly am not getting any younger!). DH will be 40 this year. I really don't like this option.

So there is my brief synopsis of the thoughts that haunt me on a daily (and nightly)basis.

We will have a decision by year's end. We just have to.

All is well...

2008-01-11T10:20:00.000-06:00

So, I guess I over-reacted with the whole dog thing.

The lump was just a benign fatty lumpy thing.

Although, when I brought him to the vet, she palpated the mass and stated, "well Golden's are prone to lipoma's (benign fatty things) and to sarcoma's, it could be either."

Thanks for scaring the shit out of me so I'd pay for a biopsy.

Nevertheless, $89 later, we have a healthy pup.

In other news, I wore make-up and Spanx to work today. I received many complements. Ringing product endorsement... Thank you Spanx, a true miracle to women everywhere!

Alright, back to work!

Worry

2008-01-08T23:09:00.000-06:00

It's 12 am and I'm blogging.

Insomnia tends to be a reoccurring theme in my life right now.

Now, don't laugh... but tonight I'm not up because I'm pondering infertility treatments, or trying to punch numbers to figure out how we could afford treatments and/or adoption.

No, tonight I worry for my dog.

I noticed a lump on his chest while I was petting him today. A pretty large, solid type lump. I've never noticed it before, but it's kind of in a weird spot.

Cooper (my dog), celebrated his 6th birthday this past Sunday. Matthew (DS) had so much fun making plans for his dog's special day. I made a grooming appointment in the afternoon so that he could get a much needed bath, grooming, and nail trim. More a present for us then him! Matthew and I dropped him off, and wandered the pet store. He took a good 20 minutes finding Cooper a special toy. He ended up picking a clearenced candy cane shaped rawhide bone. Works for me!

We then headed to the fabric store. I had this idea to make Cooper a bandanna for his collar. We bought Green Bay Packer fabric for one side of the bandanna (DH and DS are Packer fans... sick, I know!), and Chicago Bear fabric for the other side (I'm a Bears fan... sad, I know!). Anyway, I whipped up a reversible bandanna that slides onto his collar. Yes, I can be quite crafty! Matthew got such a kick out of giving Cooper his presents... and playfully arguing with me over which side of the bandanna should be exposed!

Today, I noticed the lump. Upon the discovery, I felt that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. Then, I thought, lots of dogs get lumps that end up being nothing. When DH got home from work, I had him feel it. I thought he'd down-play it, and tell me it's probably nothing... all to avoid a costly trip to the vet. But, he surprised me by saying I need to get him in asap.

I know all this worry could be for nothing. I certainly hope so.

When something bad like this happens, the reality of how much you love the damn thing surfaces.

I feel bad that he's such a good dog, and I find him to be such a pest.

I feel bad that I don't give him the attention he deserves.

Mostly though, he is an awesome companion to my son, and the thought of losing him makes me physically ill. There is a tremendous guilt I have that I cannot give my son a sibling. Now, I'm not comparing my dog to a child, but he has brought me comfort knowing that he has brought a certain kind of companionship with my son. They're great friends. They play "tag" in the back yard. Cooper chases Matthew's sled down the hill. They even "fight" like siblings sometimes! I cannot even fathom how I would begin to tell my little boy the news if this does indeed turn out to be something bad. The mere thought of it breaks my heart.

I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself. But, that's what I do.

A Random Haiku

2008-01-05T21:32:00.000-06:00

Toilet paper roll.
You see the shiny holder?
Apparently not.

Twins...

2008-01-04T21:14:00.000-06:00

It's confirmed... my friend is pregnant with twins!

She's says she's really not even excited. She wants to be... but she just can't.

I totally get it.

Add a little bit of spotting to the mix, and you have one anxious momma-to-be.

Dear God, please bless my friend with these babies. She needs them. And I need them, too... I think we could all use a little hope these days.

Just Too Risky

2008-01-03T19:55:00.000-06:00

Happy '08... it's just gotta be great! That's my new thinking.

So I got my period on New Year's Day. Happy New Year to me. It was fine. I mean, come on... after TTC for 4 years, you get use to disappointment. But, I did have a sliver of hope. A tiny, tiny sliver.

Things just have to get better, right? I mean, I am really happy with most aspects of my life. It's just on the fertility front, not so much.

All I can think about is "the next step." It haunts me. I wake in the middle of the night, and it comes to the forefront of my mind.

It plagues me. My husband just got a new job. Should we keep my insurance that offers some IF coverage? Or do we switch to the new insurance? I just love Human Resources' Benefit explanations... I think they purposely try to confuse you so you don't dare try to seek IF treatment. Can someone tell me what the hell this means?:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Infertility care:
Note: Fertility Drugs are subject to a total covered charge of $5,000 per person per Calendar Year.

In-Network: $25 co-pay per visit, then paid at 100% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs

Out-of-Network: 50% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

WTF?

Well, I suppose I could call HR and ask, but in my experience, the average person sitting behind a desk in HR doesn't know specifics regarding IF/IVF coverage.

And there was nothing regarding adoption assistance in this packet of information. It just covered Health & Dental insurance. I just wanted an answer. I guess what's a little more waiting?

Since AF made an appearance, I was looking into IVF shared risk programs. Apparently, I do not qualify for most of these programs anymore since we hit miscarriage #3. I done gone and f'd that up, too. Just too big of a risk. Great. If it's too big of a gamble for these companies, maybe it's too big of a gamble for us? I don't know.

So where does this leave us? We have no idea if DH's new job will cover IUI or IVF. I don't qualify for a shared risk program. And we have no idea as to whether or not is new company offers any type of adoption assistance.

I'm tired.

Oh Crap...

2007-12-28T21:12:00.000-06:00

I just realized I'm coming to the end of the 2WW.

It's been awhile since I've had one of these.

We technically aren't officially trying, but we're not officially not trying either.

In other words, we did have unprotected intercourse this cycle.

My face is broken out, I'm bitchy, and my stomach has felt weird.

All signs of a possible pregnancy... and of PMS.

Oh crap!

'tis the season...

2007-12-27T21:02:00.000-06:00

Ok, Ok, I know Christmas is over. Can you believe it?? It just went by so quickly.

All, in all, we had a nice visit(s). We managed to dodge a nasty stomach flu that was airborne in 2 households that we visited (so far anyway).

Last Saturday, Santa came to our house. It was AWESOME! Matthew was totally into it... he kept shouting "thank you Santa!" into the air, followed by, "I'm going to be even better next year so I can get even more presents!"

I made out pretty good, too. Santa surprised me with one of those journey diamond pendants. It is perfect... especially since I thought Santa was only bringing me a wooden cell phone charger organizer thing. Santa put the little box the pendant was in into the box with the organizer. Tricky, tricky Santa! Now granted, I had also shouted into the air begging Santa for it after I saw it was on sale and reasonably priced at M@cy's. So see, it does work! My son is onto something!

The only problem is that now Santa and I are fighting. Nice, huh?!? He gets me a diamond and I'm still pissy. Unfortunately, our desktop completely crashed right before we were leaving for our trip. Luckily, my brother is my own personal IT support, so we packed it along. My primary concern was that all of our pictures were on the hard drive, and hadn't been backed up in probably a year. Smart... real smart! PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT... BACK-UP YOU PICTURES!!!!

Fortunately, my brother seems to have been able to salvage them. He his now trying to determine if the computer is officially toast (it's going on 4 years old), or if he can fix it.

My dear, wonderful husband has decided he would like to forgo any possibility of a repair and just get a new computer. A $1300 computer. Right after Christmas. Right when we're finally trying to get our finances in order.

Now, if my brother comes back and says it's a goner, then I say fine, get the new computer. But if we can use it for maybe another 6 months or a year or so... then why not? Well, because my husband is acting like an immature 13 year old little boy, that's why. And yes, I called him that.

To which he hung up on me mid-sentence (he was at the store computer shopping). Then we went to bed and didn't speak a word to each other. And when I finally broke the silence this morning and said, "I don't appreciate being treated like this," he replied, "you're acting as if your bipolar," yeah, that didn't sit well.

Needless to say, it hasn't been fun in these parts. We very rarely fight. But when we do, we're both rather passive-aggressive about things. See, passive-aggressive-- YES, but bipolar-- NO!

Anyway, on a completely different note, my mother did something really cool. She has made these felt stockings for all in our family. Felt stockings with a bunch of hand-sewn sequins and beads and stuff. I've had the same stocking for the past 30 years. She's made a new one for each new member that's either married or been born into our family.

Growing up, my siblings and I would play little games with them. My mom always had them hung on the mantle from oldest to youngest. For whatever reason, we thought it was cool to put our stocking in the first position. So we'd constantly be moving them, and my mom would be putting them back to "her way." So, upon arriving to her house this year, that was one of the first things I did as soon as she turned her back. The "Jennifer" stocking was properly placed in position #1... in your face siblings!

There was something different about my stocking. She had added these snow-flake things to my stocking only, and hand sewn them on with some beading. There was three of these snowflakes. I think they represent my 3 angel babies. I didn't make it a point to bring it up. Maybe I'm wrong. But, God bless my Mom.

Funny thing is, my Mom also had a miscarriage. She has opened up to me about it a few times after my experiences. I don't think she really thought about it much until all of my drama. I'd like to think that maybe by me being open in regards to my feelings and grief, perhaps I've helped her process her loss as well.

Well, that's it for now. I'm off to bed, and hopefully to mend some fences.

A Very Crafty Christmas

2007-12-20T23:28:00.001-06:00

Greetings to all.

It's 12:30 am. I've just wrapped up all my crafts that I'm giving out as gifts.

Check me out!

Here is a cook book made out of one of those dollar cheap "brag book" type photo albums. Perfect for putting your 4 x 6 recipe cards in!

I gave a cook book and a tin of fabulous cookies to Matthew's teachers:

Just so you think I'm not totally cheap, I also got them a Panera gift card!

Matthew helped me make these ornaments for his Grandma & Nana:

You can't tell by the photo, but Matthew made sure there was a whole lot of glue and glitter on those bad boys!

My niece loves June from "Little Einsteins." So, I got her a shirt and made a matching hair bow:

And another for my youngest niece (you know her... the one that was born a few days after my latest miscarriage).

Also for this same niece, her nursery is Winnie the Pooh theme, so I made an attempt at painting and decoupaging:

So that's what I've been up to lately.

To be honest, I don't know why I take so much on. I'm now left very tired and with one huge mess on my hands!

In the long run, I think it's all worth it. I really do enjoy doing these things. If only I had a maid to come clean up behind me!

Well everyone, I think this will be the last post from me until after Christmas. Like I said yesterday, Santa is coming to our home on Saturday... and we're leaving to go visit the family in Chicago on Sunday. We're planning on coming home either next Wednesday or Thursday. It's going to be a very busy week.

Through all of this, I've really tried to keep the meaning of Christmas alive in our home. That's a hard thing to do with an almost-five-year-old. It's also a hard thing to do when your own spirituality has gone through the wringer.

This time of year, I do try to focus on the simplicity of the Christmas story. How beautiful it is. That God would humble Himself, and come to earth to dwell among us. That he loved us, and me as an individual that much.

I heard a song on the radio in the car the other day. Literally had me in tears. It went something like "He lived and died so that we may all live together with Him forever."

He came to earth so that we may ALL live together... as in my family, as in my 3 babies in Heaven. I will see them someday in Heaven.

Anyway, sorry to get all "churchy," but it struck a cord.

So, to end this post, I wish everyone the joy and peace of Christmas. May this find you well. And good tidings in 2008!

And I'll leave you with a final bit of commercialism:

Merry Christmas!

Stating the Obvious

2007-12-20T12:28:00.000-06:00

I've been avoiding blogging about this topic. Partially because I've been very busy here... Santa comes on Saturday the 22nd to our household. So nice of him to accommodate Holiday travelers, don't you think? So, I've had to bump up getting things ready, because our Christmas is a mere 2 days away.

I haven't been on the Internet much over the past few days, nor have I been watching much TV. But that didn't let me escape the latest breaking news. Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant.

My initial reaction was that the media must have gotten it wrong... Britney's knocked up again, yes I could see that... but her 16 year old sister? They had to have gotten it wrong. But, apparently not.

Of course, I went "there." She's 16/not married/she's got her whole life ahead of her/she's in high-school! While myself, I'm almost 31/married/have a Bachelor's degree and am contemplaing going to grad school/am a mother and desperately want more children.

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

I did a quick Google search. Every year 750,000 "women" ages 15-19 get pregnant. The fact of the matter is, this happens all the time. It's just that she's a celebrity, and now is the poster child of teenage pregnancy.

After the initial shock wore off, I've been doing some thinking. While I don't think the circumstances are ideal, I must commend her. She could have made this all go away very quietly, without anyone knowing.

Instead of casting stones, I am trying to not be so harsh of my thoughts of her, and to anyone else I usually deem less than worthy of motherhood.

See, I'm getting wiser with my age... I'll be 31 in less than a month.

2008 has gotta be great!!

Weekend Update

2007-12-17T10:14:00.000-06:00

Another weekend has come and gone. And I have to say, thank God!

Let me start with some REALLY good news... my friend got a BFP!! Yipee! Now she is going through the "I'm so happy/excited, but don't want to get too happy/excited" phase. Obviously, it's so early, and she's got along way to go... but it's hard not to get excited for her. This is odd... I'm excited about someones pregnancy announcement! Maybe there is hope for me!

It was my weekend to work. It started off with me getting up on Friday. I was sick. Again. Like feverish, chills, and dizziness sick. I called into work to see if there was anyway I could take a sick day. Apparently, 4 other people woke up with the same symptoms, and beat me to the punch. They begged me to come in. Great, I'll come in and spread my nastiness. I drugged myself with Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and anything else I could get my hands on. I wore a mask and gloves all day long. It actually worked out fine. But boy was I glad when the end of my shift was done. I'll I could envision was my bed, and my pillow, and a pile of blankets. That's what got me through.

So, imagine my dismay when on the way home from work, I saw what looked like a white plastic grocery bag floating towards me. Only it wasn't a bag.

It was a white dog.

The car in front of me hit it first, and then it kind of "floated" in the air towards me. I nixed the whole bag theory when it hit my vehicle with a "bang." Definitely not a bag.

The guy who hit it first stopped, turned around to see what he hit, and drove off. Nice. All I could think of is, 'What if this was my dog?' I pulled over, put my hazards on. I then ran to a couple of homes where the incident occur ed. The dog belonged to no one, nor did they knew who's it was. Great... now what do I do. Seriously, does anyone know what to do in this situation?

God must have shown some mercy on me, as a car pulled behind me about 25 minutes later. It was a neighbor of the owner of the dog. We loaded her up in some of my nursing supplies (thank god I carry around disable blue pad thingys!) and they brought her home.

I just kept thinking great... some little kid's dog got killed at Christmas time. Great memories. Yeah, that sucked.

In better news, I have a bit a of personal news. It might be too much information, so please stop reading if you have no desire to hear of my sex life.

But, my DH and I actually had good sex! I know this sounds odd, as we have been TTC for almost 4 years. But in that 4 years, I can honestly count the times where the sex was great. This is making my husband sound inadequate! But that's not it at all. I think anyone who's been TTC for a long time can relate. It's always about baby-making... never about fun and enjoyment.

I think (for the time being) I'm out from under the TTC cloud... and also out of the post miscarriage psyche. I've always had a hard time after a miscarriage getting back into sex. Is this normal? It's like... here we go again... maybe I'll get pregnant... but I should be pregnant...

So, yea for me! I mean us!

And on goes my baby obsessed brain... hey, maybe I'm knocked up now!

WILL IT EVER END?!?!

And on a side note....

2007-12-13T09:38:00.000-06:00

If anyone is reading this, could you please toss up a quick prayer for my friend, Kate. She's been through a hell of a time, and she get's her beta results from her 4th IVF attempt tomorrow.

We all need some good news 'round these parts, don't we?

Please God, let this one work.

One Sick Momma

2007-12-13T08:46:00.000-06:00

I've been sick. I've left a permanent imprint on the couch. I was begging God for mercy. I caught my son's stomach flu. I have to say, kids can deal with being sick much better than adults.

We're both better now (thank God). On with life we go. So in today's news...

I'm a bad mom. Why? Well part of me took such pleasure in this:

My son had a friend over. They were quietly playing in his room. Suddenly, I heard the scream of all screams. I seriously thought someone had sustained a compound fracture. Anyway, I enter his room to find the poor figurine decapitated. My son was is hysterics. I'm not sure if he was all that upset that his porcelain figurine had broke, or if it's because now there was evidence, clear evidence, that he and his friend had been jumping on the bed. That's the only way the figurine could have fallen off the shelf.

We completed our Christmas picture taking:

I considered using this picture, but my dog's mouth was cut off, and me and my anal-ness couldn't get over it.

Doesn't this say "Christmas Joy" to you?

Yes... he was actually sleeping.

We got ourselves a winner!

What Matthew wanted on the Christmas card, if he had it his way.

Bring It

2007-12-09T04:44:00.000-06:00

In case anyone is wondering why I'm blogging at 5:45 am EST, well it's because I've been up all night cleaning up vomit and catching up on Project Runway via Tivo.

DS is sick. The throwing-up, stomach virus type of sick. I'm not feeling that great either. I wonder if my turn is next.

My point of this post at this hour is that I love this. I love being a mom. Mind you, I know I have been so lucky with my little guy. He'll be 5 in January (OMG!), and he's had all of one ear infection in the span of his lifetime. He was never colicky as a baby. He slept through the night at 8 weeks.

He's always been one happy, easy-going, healthy boy. I'm so blessed.

So, on nights like these, I feel like I'm earning my badge of motherhood. I was actually kind of smiling as I was cleaning up puke, and tucking him back in bed. He begged me to cuddle with him... something he has been getting away from. Lately, I have to steal kisses.

I've been getting a little tired of people complaining about their babies. About how they're so sleep deprived. That the baby is so fussy, and this and that. Now trust me, if this keeps going on night after night, I sincerely doubt I will remain so perky. It was very considerate of my son to have chosen tonight to get sick, since I don't have to go to work this morning.

All this being said, I love being a mom. Even when scrubbing the bathroom floor for the second time in the middle of the night. Even when doing two loads of laundry at 4 am. Even when tucking my child in, giving him cuddles, and telling him everything is going to be OK.

So, if having another child will require harsher working conditions, crappier hours, and dealing with a disgruntled baby all day and night, I say bring it.

Much Ado About Nothing

2007-12-06T11:27:00.000-06:00

Please don't judge me.

My most recent miscarriage occured at home on 9/12/2007. Since I'd been through this a couple of times before, I was prepared. I knew what to do. With miscarriage #1, I had no clue. And it happened... in the bathroom... in the toilet... it was awful.

Miscarriage #2 was a missed miscarriage. Everything happened in the hospital. I was unconscious.

Miscarriage #3, I was prepared. I knew it was coming. I headed to the bathroom. I made a nice little nest of towels in my bathtub. It happened. But at least I was better prepared.

Now this was in September. I hadn't done a "deep" clean in that bathroom since that time. And what I mean by that is that there were still remnants of the miscarriage up until today. Nothing gross (give me credit people... I had cleaned the tub, toilet, sinks, etc.), but there were other subtle reminders. Certain things were seemingly frozen in time.

For instance, a pad of paper. I had scribbled down the number of my doctor's answering service. For some reason, it was still on the bathroom vanity.

My Crinone (vaginal progesterone) boxes were still out... along with my pill box with a baby aspirin, folic acid, metformin, and prenatal vitamin. All of that, and still nothing.

I also stumbled upon one of the positive pregnancy tests I had taken.

For now, I threw everything in a box in the linen closet. At least it's kind of cleaned up.

I'll have to further deal with it in the future. But for now, good enough.

Busy, busy!

2007-12-04T10:55:00.000-06:00

Ah, the holidays are upon us.
The decorating...
The baking...
The shopping...
The working extra hours to afford the shopping...
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Here is a video of my son for your viewing pleasure.
I have no idea where he learned of this song.

Perhaps I'm a tad cynical

2007-11-28T20:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I've recovered from my marathon of a weekend at work.

Only to do it again this weekend. But that's ok. I'm not going to whine about it. I'm a grown woman, and I chose to work extra. See, no whining.

But since I've been working so much, I've had to hurry and get my holiday decorating done. I have TONS of Christmas decorations. And, I love to decorate. I have a touch of OCD with my holiday decorating. Everything has to be just right. God forbid my DH try to help, 'cause he'd just screw it up. Even the outdoor lighting... I prefer to be the one up on the ladder, just to make sure it's done to my standards. Sad, I know!

All this decorating got me thinking about our Christmas cards. Our first Christmas card we sent out as newly weds was a picture of us on our wedding day. So Sweet!

The next Christmas, I was 9 months pregnant. I don't even know if I sent out cards. Oh yeah, I did. It had our adorable, new, Golden Retriever puppy, Cooper. So Cute!

The following Christmas of 2003, our beautiful baby boy graced the cover. Sans dog. He was kind of over-shadowed.

Same in Christmas of 2004 & 2005.

Christmas 2006. Matthew and our Cooper. What could be cuter than a boy and his dog?

Well, except for maybe a couple of boys' and maybe a girl and their dog, but I digress.

Anyway, I'm preparing for this years card. I've been going back and forth as to whether or not to include one of those "our year in review" letters. Ok, not really. I hope not to offend anyone, but I really don't care for most of these letters. You know the one's I'm talking about... the "we're the perfect family, so there! In your face" letters.

Well, I've decided to draft a pseudo-letter for our family, for this very fine year, 2007.

Dear Friends and Family,
We hope this letter finds you all in good health & spirits. 2007 was a bang-up year for our family.

The year started off wonderful. I turned 30 on January 17th. I was ovulating, and spent the morning at my RE's office having Intra-Uterine Insemination. Then, I got to go to work. A birthday I will never forget.

We had a nice vacation to Florida in April. Had a lot of baby-making sex (or BMS) because I was ovulating. Unfourtunately, we did get knocked-up.

Had our 3rd injectables cycle with intra-uterine insemination in May, right around Mother's Day... ironic, huh? Yeah, that didn't work either.

We traveled all around the Mid-west in the summer. Great times.

We found out we were pregnant in July, on a "off cycle" none-the-less. We were so happy! With every ultra-sound the baby was growing, and it's heartbeat was so strong.

On September 11th, I had a routine OB appointment. I had an ultrasound which revealed that my cervix was dilating. I was 12 weeks pregnant. I stayed that night in the hospital. Matt was 23 hours away in the remote woods of Canada on a fishing trip. I miscarried and had another D & C on September 12th.

We are now trying to decide what the future holds for us. Matt says I'm "moody" a lot. I get frusterated with him because he does not want to do anything aggressive to have another child.

Matthew has 3 imaginarey friends-- Comveigh, Sumveigh, and Freddy. Freddy just showed up a few months ago. They talk, and play, and have a great time. I tend to believe that they're more than imaginary... perhaps his 3 brothers are here to keep him company for a while? You probably think I'm weird now.

Well, there you have it folks! Cheers and Good Tidings to all in 2008!

Most Sincerely,
Matt, Jen, and Matthew

Blood... blood everywhere! Part 2

2007-11-23T21:15:00.000-06:00

In case you missed my last bloody incident, please feel free to get caught up.

Only this time, my dear son, thankfully, has had no further blood loss.

This time, it's my cat.

Until recently, I really loved my cat. He even has a cool story as to how we "obtained" him.

DH and I were newly engaged. He lived here in Michigan. I was still living in Chicago. I was out to visit him one weekend. It was in February. We were getting married in September in Chicago, so we were trying to use our time wisely. Every time we were together, we would try to get something wedding related done.

So, on this fateful weekend, we went to our local jeweler to choose our wedding rings.

The jeweler was right near the local mall. We successfully picked out our rings. They said they could size them, and we could pick them up an hour later. "Great", we thought. We went to the mall to kill an hour.

After an hour, we approached the car. There curled up under the car parked next to us was a little black kitten.

"Meow," he said, in a weak, whisper. He was shivering. Afterall, it was February. How he ended up in the mall parking lot, I'll never know. But he must have saw "sucker" written across my forehead. He mustered up enough strength to walk towards me.

"Get in the car!" my compassionate fiance insisted.

"Matt, we can't leave him here! He'll freeze or get run over. Pllleeeaaassee!" I begged.

He agreed (oh, to be engaged again!). But our agreement was we would bring him to the humane society on Monday.

And here we are, 7 years later. He's still with us.

And peeing blood over everything.

I should have suspected something. I took him to the vet probably 18 months ago. He had started 'emptying his bladder' in laundry baskets. If I had dirty clothes in them, he'd piss. If I had clean clothes folded him them, he'd piss. So, I was pissed.

Brought him into the vet... they ran a bunch of tests... they were all inconclusive... and I paid like $300 to be told it was "behavioral."

Kind of sounds like a trip to the RE!

Anyway, this laundry basket thing was off and on. He'd stop doing it for months, and then it would start again.

But the other night it happened in my son's bed! I was furious!!!

I mean, you could do it anywhere else, but on my baby's, my ONLY child's, my precious miracle's bed, this is where you choose to urinate? Oh, it was on!!

My husband declared that it was time to get rid of him. I could never do that. He's a really nice cat. Very social. He's almost dog-like.

Now, my son has discovered how fun it is to chase the cat. This the cat does not enjoy. So, I was thinking once again, behavioral. The cat was so fed up with my son chasing him, that he showed him who's boss. So, if I could get my son to stop chasing him, the cat would stop seeking revenge. Logical, right?

Until wonderful DH went up to bed tonight. I hear, "For the love of God and all things holy!.. there's blood all over the comforter!"

Not words anyone wants to hear.

My dear, sweet cat urinated blood on 1) our comforter 2) my son's comforter 3) our love seat

This is just what I've found.

So, I've steamed cleaned our love seat, and have began to wash 2 down comforters. DH is in bed. Please see Wednesday's post... yes, I did write that. In about 2 minutes. Isn't it funny that when your so inspired, the words just come to you? Yeah, I was inspired.

The poor thing. Now I have to break it to DH that he has to take him to the vet tomorrow. He's gonna love that one!

Hope you enjoyed my post about my cat's pee.

Ode to My Husband

2007-11-21T18:56:00.000-06:00

On this, the Eve of Thanksgiving, I would like to dedicate this poem to my beloved husband, as I finish preparing our Thanksgiving dinner, as I am going to work tomorrow (and working a double on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). I love you honey!

If I Had a Penis

If I had a penis
Life would be just great.
I would have a wife to serve me,
While I just sit and wait.

If I had a penis
How happy I would be
As I sit and watch T.V. all day
While she works, cooks, and cleans.

If I had a penis
I could just ignore the mess,
And remind her that she missed a spot
As she handles all the stress.

If I had a penis
I could give opinions and "how to's"
All while sitting on the couch
In between a snooze.

If I had a penis
How blind I would certainly be.
I could just miss the pot
And she'll clean up my pee.

If I had a penis
I'd be king of my house
And my wife would take care of me
'Cause I can't do it myself.

My Soap-Box

2007-11-19T11:48:00.000-06:00

It must be getting to be that time of the month again. I haven't been paying too close attention to my cycles, as we are not activley ttc at this time.

I can tell you, however, that I think I'm in full blown PMS mode.

Why, you might ask? Because I've had my soap-box out for most of the weekend. I was at work, and there was nothing I kept quiet about. We had heated debates regarding politics, religion, sex, and many other taboo topics. That's what happens on a slow weekend when a bunch of nurses are working together. And being that most nurses are women, it makes for interesting conversation.

I won't bore or offend you on my views on politics or religion today. You certainly need no further details on my sex life. But there is one thing I can't let go of. I can't remain quiet. I'm pretty pissed off.

Christmas lights before Thanksgiving.

I'm not exargerrating when I say it pisses me off. I'm not a little upset over it, or slightly annoyed... I'm pissed.

What ticks me off is that when I'm eating my turkey and stuffing, surrounded by my Thanksgiving decor, I have to look out at my neighborhood all lit up as if I was eating Christmas dinner.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive. Perhaps I'm just bitchy. This could all be true. But come on people, doesn't "Christmas" seem to get earlier every year?

And to my neighbor who every year for the past 5 years has almost made me go into cardiac arrest... do you really have to put up your Christmas decorations THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN????? Don't you agree that this is a bit premature?

Now, I think I get the rationale. We live in the Mid-West. It gets frickin' cold around here in November, so I can see putting them up on an unseasonably warm day. Fine, put the lights in the bushes and on the tress. But do we seriously need to adorn our porches with evergreen boughs, and are front doors with our Christmas wreaths, all before Thanksgiving? Is it really necessary to turn the lights on before Thanksgiving?

If this is the new standard, I think we should rename Thanksgiving, and incorporate it officially in the Christmas season.

Thanks for listening.

The RE appointment

2007-11-15T18:18:00.000-06:00

I had been dreading it.

But it went OK. I'm glad it's over and done with. But now, another huge can of worms has been opened.

I hate worms.

He offered his condolonsces. I thanked him. I didn't cry... my eyes welled up, but no ugly cry.

He offered some interesting options. He feels this miscarriage was probably not a chromosomal thingy since a) all 3 babies cytogenetic reports came back normal b)this last baby was old enough to have an autopsy done (bizarre); the autopsy was normal c) DH and my karotype is normal d) we have our son. So given the above, probably not chromosomal.

Could be clotting, could be autoimmune. I was on baby aspirin with this pregnancy... I wonder if that's why I made it all the way to 12 weeks this time?

So, he's offered to start me on Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin), baby aspirin, an Prednisone with our next pregnancy. That's as "deep" as he can go. He said if I want further clotting/autoimmune testing and/or treatment, it's basically out of his league, but he could refer me to a doctor in Chicago who specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss.

As far as getting pregnant, he offered a) gonadotropins with Lupron/Ganirelix/HCG/IUI b) Femara w/ HCG and IUI.

You know, I was so excited when I got my last BFP... of course I was thrilled because we were gonna have a baby, but I was also thrilled to get the hell off the infertility roller-coaster.

Now I have to decide if I want to get back on.

Ooops, she did it again...

2007-11-13T19:21:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned I love my sister? You know, the one with the 7 week old baby.

Cause I really, really do.

But, she's killin' me! Focus... she means well... focus.

Ok, here's what she did this time. I started this little webstore to raise funds for whatever the future holds for us- i.e. IVF vs. adoption. Either one costs a pretty penny, as we all know. I have really just started to "announce" that a) I have a webstore and that b)the goal was to fund raise for future IVF/adoption.

Sure I mentioned it to you, my stranger friends. Even to some co-workers. But not so much to my family. It's strange how it's easier for me to share personal, intimate, details of my life such as infertility and loss with non-family. I don't know why, it just is.

Alas, I have been coming out of my shell. Slowly but surely, I'm ready to start the crusade of bringing another child into our family. So, what better opportunity to mention my webstore and show off my products than to give them away as baby gifts? So, I gave a gift basket to my sister. My sister is not known for her couth... she tells you what she's thinking. No candy coating whatsoever. So, I was half expecting a "Gee, thanks for the homemade gifts... is money really that tight for you guys?" But, to my surprise, she genuinely liked the gifts. She even wants me to make some custom headbands for her girls' Christmas dresses.

All of this is great. However, she took the liberty of emailing everyone in her address book (I stopped counting after 120), and told them about how wonderful the gifts are, and that they need to check out my website to help us raise money.

This is problematic because a) I've been taking my time with the webstore... slowly adding content at my leisure. So, up until a few hours ago, there wasn't a whole lot there. I've added as much as I can for the moment, but nothing like working under pressure! b) Now everyone in her address book knows about her poor, infertile sister c) A lot of people in her address book are also in my address book, meaning they're family... so now it appears as if poor, infertile Jen is begging for money (which I kind of am, but now everyone knows it!)

So, mark your calendars folks... November 13, 2007... my official launch date. Only, I wasn't aware of it.

See, she means well. There is a part of me that is touched that she would go to this much trouble. I know she loves me. So, I'm just going to focus on that. Not to mention, it got me to get of my arse, and got me going. Hey, you never know, maybe I will earn a little extra cash from her mass mailing.

And I'll have her to thank for my little babushka.

Oh, and the subtle links, not so subtle, I know!

I did it

2007-11-12T12:11:00.000-06:00

I'm back in Michigan. It's always nice to visit my family, but it is oh-so-nice to come home. It's weird. The longer we're here in Michigan (it was 6 years for me in September), the deeper the roots get. I have a great job, which could have a lot of opportunities for me in the future. I have more friends here in Michigan than I do in Illinois... partially because I've lost touch with people over time, and some have also moved a few hours or more from the nest. We're in a great school district here. And to top everything off, we couldn't sell our house if our lives depended on it. I'm glad that we're happy here and that it does feel more and more like home.

Well, I took the leap... I made an appointment with my RE. Thursday at 11 am. I'm terrified. I couldn't even schedule the appointment without bursting into tears, how in the hell am I going to make it through the entire appointment? I only scheduled a half hour consultation. Perhaps I should have scheduled a few hours to account for the hysterics.

In other news, I have been granted a high distinction--

Jenna has created this flame, and has requested that we "take one line (and it can be a short line in a small font if you're uncomfortable about this) to honor yourself for this battle that you've waged over the years, months, or even just the last few weeks of a cycle. I want you to appreciate yourself with a special Blogger Flame of Fortitude. "

I have to admit, I am having some degree of difficulty with this request.

Now granted, the last 4 years of secondary infertility and 3 miscarriages has been no walk in the park. It sucks. It's hard. I wish it wasn't like this.

But, I have a child.

My worst case scenario is I'm a mommy of one (with 3 angels in Heaven, of course.)

I know many women in real life and in the blogosphere who would gnaw off their arm for just one child.

I feel whiny. I feel ungrateful.

DH and I were having another "talk" last night (thus, why I made the RE appointment today). I expressed I feel like that if we don't have another child (either biologically or through adoption), I will always feel a hole in my heart. It's there. I can't help it. I wish it could just go away.

DH doesn't feel the same way. He thinks that we are "so blessed" to have our son, and that if he's our only child, then fine. If we happen to have another child, great. But he feels fulfilled with one.

Of course we are blessed to have our son. I look at him and can truly see the miracle.

But, I digress. I have been through hell. Infertility is awful. It wreaks havoc. It has effected my mind, body, and spirit. It has effected my marriage. It has effected our finances. There is nothing that it hasn't touched.

So, I do honor myself today. I am proud that I am still standing after the hardest battle of my life. I am proud that I infertility has helped me grow spiritually. I am proud that although I've been in dark valleys, somehow I always climb out.

If you are reading this, I do hope that you will honor yourself today.

Time for a group hug.

Greetings from Chicago

2007-11-10T09:03:00.000-06:00

I'm back in my home town this weekend. Yea!! It's so nice to come home sometimes.

I decided this would be a good weekend to visit, as I won't be coming home over Thanksgiving. Or, at least I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving. Why you might ask? Because I'll be working a single shift on Thanksgiving day, a double shift on Friday-Sunday. It's gonna kick my ass.

What I wouldn't do for a baby! Hopefully, the extra money I earn will help a little.

Speaking of baby, I saw my new niece yesterday. She's 7 weeks old. I felt really prepared to hold a new baby. I felt enough time had passed since this miscarriage that it wouldn't hurt that bad.

I was wrong.

It was all I could do to fight back the tears. I didn't cry (thank God), but it was hard. No crazy impulses to kidnap the baby (I hope you all know I'm kidding when I mention that... but sometimes I wonder if I am a little unstable!). It was difficult holding something that I should have in March... a few short months from now.

I know I need to get over it. I wish I could. Holding this precious new baby made me realize how badly I do want another child. It is worth the struggle and the hardship. But am I strong enough? Am I strong enough to try an IVF cycle... hope I get pregnant... and then hope I don't have a miscarriage.? Am I strong enough to ride the roller-coaster of adoption?

God, I hope so.

WARNING!!

2007-11-06T17:45:00.000-06:00

If you are easily offended, then DO NOT click below...

And as a secondary warning, this should not be viewed in front of children, and probably not at work (nudity, not vulgar!)

http://users.skynet.be/pdauwe/ursula_martinez.wmv

This could be 5 years old, and I just received it for all I know! My friend is always good for e-mailing me funny and, well, interesting things!

I just don't get it.

2007-11-06T07:34:00.000-06:00

For once, I'm not blogging about how I "don't get" why I've had 3 miscarriages, or why it's so hard for us to conceive. No, I'm not going to blog about how I "don't get" why my co-workers 19 year old daughter has a 1 year old baby-- and that the daughter is now incarcerated on 2 felony counts--and the future of the baby is now in limbo. No, no, no, I'm not going to blog about that today.

What I really "don't get" is Day-Light Savings Time.

A man must have come up with this one... actually, according to Google, it was Benjamin Franklin.

My son's sleep cycle gets totally whacked for about 2 weeks. He's cranky at night because he's going to bed an hour "later," but still manages to get up at what would have been 8 am 3 days ago, but now it's 7 am.

My dog is messed up, too. He normally gets me up (if I'm not already up) at 7:30 to go outside. This morning it was 6:30. Mommy was not too happy!

As I mentioned, I Googled the topic. It seems as though the theories are that it conserves energy, gives us an extra hour of sunlight in Summer, and in these dark, cold months, lets us wake-up to sunshine.

I can understand the energy conservation. But why don't we just leave well enough alone. Let's set our clocks ahead in the spring, and then just let it be!

The world would be run much different, if I were in charge!

It was a long weekend at work.

A rather eclectic post

2007-11-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

So, it's the day after Halloween. M. J. got his first fever from the viral thingy on Sunday. I have felt like crap since Tuesday, and DH says is throat is now "scratchy." Thank God I'm working this weekend!

M.J. and I went to K*hls today. They had these cute Halloween houses-

Of course, I had to have them. So much for saving money for adoption/fertility treatments! To my credit, I did wait until the day after Halloween, so they were 70% off. Quite the bargain shopper. Now, I think there's one more in the 'collection.' I will be scouring the tri-county area this weekend in my travels trying to find the missing house. Aaaaah, priorities!

Just a quick mention on the "Kid Quest" front... DH says that he would like to get our finances in "better order" before pursuing ANYTHING. He says he doesn't even want to talk about anything until we've paid some stuff off, and saved a good portion of money. I'm all for getting things in order, but why can't we talk about things? At the rate we're going (i.e.- the Halloween houses) it will be a couple of years before we even begin discussing things. He says he doesn't want to get my hopes up. Whatever.

In other news, we had a busy couple of days. Even though we were all under the weather, we still managed to do our rituals.

That's our little alien (from Toy Story) next to a prop at a cool Halloween place here in MI. And for those of you with a 4-5 year old kid in your life, you might recognize this...

An attempt at a "Wow, Wow Wubbzy" Jack-O-Lantern, per M.J.'s request. I did say 'an attempt'.

And finally...

Thank you God, for my beautiful little boy (that's me with him, by the way).

My Futile Attempt

2007-10-30T12:21:00.001-05:00

It always seems like a good idea. This cookie recipe is wonderful. And their so cute... nice to give away to people. I made them last year for my son's pre-school class for his birthday. They were a big hit, so I thought I'd do them for Halloween.

They're relatively easy to make. But it gets to be a pain in the arse about half-way through. Just a lot of steps, and a big mess. Nonetheless, I do enjoy it.

My husband sampled one last night before they were decorated, and said they were delicious. I finished decorating them this morning. I was feeling pretty good about them. I proudly showed them to my son, and said, "Do you think your friends will like them?"

To that he replied, "They look great, mommy! They're gonna love their apple cookies!"

Blood... blood everywhere!

2007-10-29T17:02:00.000-05:00

That's what I woke up to this morning.

My son, M.J., has had a viral thingy for the past couple of days. Fever around 101, stuffy nose, sore throat. General uckiness. He knocked on our bedroom door around midnight last night and said, "I'm sick, and I need to snuggle." He's got us wrapped around his little finger.

So he hopped in. DH hopped out. He can't sleep with all 3 of us in bed, so he uses the sleeper sofa for occasions like this. Fortunately, they don't happen very often. We've been very lucky with M.J. He's rarely sick, and a very good sleeper (just like his momma!).

Now, if you knew my son, you'd know he's a lot like his father. And if you new his father, you'd know he's a big, tough guy on the outside, but rather wimpy on the inside.

My son cannot stand the site of his own boogers. If one happens to escape, say, onto his hand, he is mortified. He hates to blow his nose, for fear of having to look at the boogers. Strange, I know. The upside of this is that I have never seen him pick his nose, something a mom can feel proud of.

Anyway, imagine his fear when, around 4 am this morning, he thinks that boogers are gushing out of his nose.

Imagine his mommy's fear when she turned on the light and saw blood all over his face, pajamas, and pillow.

I consider myself a pretty calm person. I'm a nurse after all. I have to be calm. I've been in "codes" and have helped to try to resuscitate people near death.

But I nearly shit my pants when I saw all of this blood coming from my child.

As it turns out, it was M.J.'s first bloody nose. Turns out he's not fond of blood coming from his nose, either.

Halloween came a little early to our household.

I think I have issues...

2007-10-28T19:41:00.000-05:00

I'm so embarrassed.

I went to a birthday party yesterday, and ended up crying. Crying about my infertility and my miscarriages. At a birthday party. Pathetic.

It wasn't my fault. One of the guests, whose kind of an acquaintance/borderline friend-of-a-friend, started the whole "I'm so sorry..." and then when my eyes started welling-up the "Oh shit... I'm soo sorry" look.

Thank God I managed to avoid completely going into ugly cry mode, but it was a close one. She seemed sincere, and genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say. She didn't awkwardly run away. She sat, and listened. She asked a few questions, like "Why does this keep happenening?" and "What options do you have now?" It was nice. Kind of an impromptu therapy session. Which would have been fine, had it not occurred at a 1 year old's birthday party.

I also received an e-mail with a picture of my new niece today. The niece that was born 5 days after I lost this baby. The niece that was born 3 weeks early, as if just to spite me. So, she's going on almost 6 weeks old, and no one had felt comfortable enough to e-mail me a picture? Do I come across that fragile? Now, granted, I had not requested a picture. Partially because I am jealous/envious/bitter/angry/etc., and I just couldn't. I couldn't look. I couldn't look at what I don't have.

So yes, I have issues. I know I have issues. I think I'll continue to have issues. Quite frankly, it's not my fault I have issues.

I am going to visit my sister and the new baby in a few weeks. I think I'll be OK. As in, you won't see me on the evening news in hand-cuffs with the headline, "Psycho sister attempts to kidnap sister's baby." How refreshing! I think I'll do OK holding the baby, and loving my niece. God, I hate how loss/infertility effects how I love my niece... yet another way it's robbed a part of my life.

Musings on AF

2007-10-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

AF reared her ugly head this past Wednesday. First time since the miscarriage. 6 weeks to the day since the D&C... with all 3 miscarriages, AF has always showed 6 weeks to the day. Faithful old friend.

With AF came yet another not-so-subtle reminder that I'm not pregnant, I will not be having a baby in March, and that there is seemingly no baby in sight.

So, now that I've officially had "one full cycle," it's rekindled emotions of trying again. I've been avoiding my RE. I have no desire to meet with him and rehash everything that has happened. I have no desire to call the receptionist and explain why I need an appointment. I have no desire to see the befuddled looked of the office staff when they see my face in the waiting room. I have no desire.

I'm so discouraged about the process of adoption. I'm inpatient. I want to submit paperwork and have a baby/child in a couple of months, not a 9 months-2+ years later. Haven't we waited long enough? I'm also broke, so that adds to the problem.

I suppose an appointment with the RE wouldn't hurt. I could hear what our options are. But, do I really feel like paying our co-pay to hear what I already know? I should just get it over with.

I feel like I'm on the teeter-totter from hell. Adoption-treatments-adoption-treatments... it doesn't seem to stop in my mind.

Today is CD 4. Do I really need to keep track anymore? Ugh.

In other random news, I dyed my hair yesterday! 4 inch roots gone! I had planned to get my hair touched up back in July (it was long past due even then), and then got my BFP, and of course, wouldn't dare let hair dye near me. Then I was pregnant for 12 weeks. Now I been un-pregnant for 6 weeks. So, it was time. I dyed it all brown, a shade or two darker than my natural color. Darker... hmmm... subconscious irony, perhaps? Perhaps.

Amazing Grace

2007-10-19T18:56:00.000-05:00

Had to work today. I must say, I'm so fortunate to have a job that's so interesting. As a Hospice nurse, the work is often very intense. I learn a lot. Not just about medicine, or how a disease process makes people's bodies ultimately shut down, fail, and die. I learn a lot about human will and human spirit. My work often strengthens my faith in God, even during times where I'm amidst a really shitty situation. You know, the times when something awful is happening to someone with such a beautiful spirit, or to a family who is so loving, so wonderful, and doesn't deserve to watch their loved one die.

I had an instance like that today. I should be charting about this instance as I type, but have decided to reflect on it now (or procrastinate, however you want to look at it!).

Mr. C. is (or was... I'm not sure where he is at the moment... this life or the next...) 88 years old. He has/had 3 adult children, several grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He is/was a Reverend. By all accounts, it looks as if he's lived a full, productive, good life. The poor man has/had a rough year... been in and out of the hospital for months now, for various reasons. When I met him, he was basically unresponsive, on a ventilator, and his body is failing. His doctor recommended Hospice. That's where I come in.

I spoke with the family that Hospice is allowing the body to go through the dying process, without any intervention, except those that are meant to keep him comfortable. I explain that it is a natural part of the dying process for people to lose there ability to swallow, and therefore, they are unable to eat or drink. A lot of people actually die of dehydration. This is natural... the body releases endorphins as this is occurring, allowing for natural pain relief. Of course, we top this off with a touch of Morphine, just to be on the safe side.

The patient's son, who is also a Reverend, kept stating that he believed that God would answer the family's prayers by delivering them a miracle... that Mr. C. would wake up and eat, drink, converse, etc. The rest of the family was clinging to his words, agreeing that God could give them this miracle.

I believe in miracle's. I do. But, in all my years as a Hospice nurse, guess how many "Lazarus miracles" I've seen. I'm talking about the patient is clearly dying, and suddenly the dying process stops, and the person is cured.

That would be Zero.

I mean no disrespect. I know that God has the power and certainly could intervene in this manner if He wanted too. I have witnessed "small" miracles before... once I had a patient that had been in a coma for a week, and he woke up to say last good-byes, even give last kisses... that's what I would consider a "small miracle." Sweet miracles, but not grandiose.

Mr. C.'s son kept going on, about this miracle that he was expecting. I had to say something.

With the utmost respect, I asked if he wanted God's will for his father's life. He responded, "Yes, of course." I asked, "What if God's answer to your request is 'No', and that it is time for your father to come home to Him."

He seemed to get it. I encouraged the family to cling to the "small miracles"... the hand squeezing, the stares into each other's eyes, the love in the room.

With this, the whole family started to sing "Amazing Grace." One of the most beautiful moments I have ever witnessed.

The patients Oxygen level started to drop, indicating that his body was further failing. That's why I don't know if he's still here or now in Heaven.

It does make wonder... why it's relatively easy for me accept "God's will" for strangers? Was it God's will for 3 of my babies to die? Is it God's will for us to have infertility? Is it God's will for us to adopt?

I don't have answers to all these questions. I do know that today was the first time in a long time I felt God's peace. And at peace with God.

"God's will" is somewhat subjective, don't you think? Even still, more calm tonight.

Thanks Mr. C., wherever you are.

Seriously?

2007-10-17T20:20:00.000-05:00

I've been requesting a few International Adoption packets. I've gotten a few in the mail. Most come in nice folders, some are even cute. The packets are too big to fit in our mail box, so the mail lady has to put them on the front porch. Today, I happen to be outside when the mail lady came. I saw that she had a packet in her hand... I felt like it was Christmas morning! This is the packet I had been waiting for... the agency is here in Michigan and is accredited for Russian adoptions. So much excitement running through me. Until...

... I opened the "International Fee Schedule." Holy Moses! I was under the impression that a Russian adoption would be around $30K.

I guess I was sorta right, but try $37,690-$45,130. Gee honey, sorry, I was off by 7-15 grand.

Seriously, $45,000!?! Did I mention this DID NOT include home study and post placement costs? Yeah, it doesn't.

How can an average person afford this? I mean, come on! I just want another child. This was just, yet again, another kick in the groin. Ouch.

On another note, my online store is coming along. Check it out if you wish http://www.mybabybabushka.com/. Still a lot more work ahead.

The site was named after my son... when he was a baby and all bundled up he looked like a little babushka (which in case you're wondering, is a little old Russian grandmotherly type).

At this rate, I only need to sell 2,466-3,000 blankies to pay for our adoption expenses! Better get sewing!

Seriously.

Precious One's

2007-10-15T19:36:00.000-05:00

Tonight I think of you. I remember you. I know we will all be together someday.

I know you all are getting so much love in Heaven... that gives me so much peace.

Sweet Dreams, little one's.

Love Always,
Mommy

I ate a whole Kringle by myself...

2007-10-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

In case you happened upon this blog, and you don't know what a Kringle is, please see picture on the left.

I am a transplant here in Michigan... grew up in Illinois near the Wisconsin border... not too far from Racine (see picture on your left). My family would get a Kringle every weekend, from a bakery in Racine, WI.

Fast-forward a few years to my new husband dragging me kicking and screaming to Michigan. A minor culture shock, not to mention that I know no one except my husband. Oh, and did I mention, not a Kringle insight? WTH?

A few months ago, I was browsing the bakery section at my local Kr*ger (shocking), and there it was in all it's glory... KRINGLE!!!!! I was elated! So, needless to say, I pick one up quite frequently... I usually buy 2 and put one in the freezer. I mean, come on, what if they decide not to sell them anymore? A girl has to have her Kringle.

So, I had one in my freezer. I was trying to have a civilized, productive, meaningful conversation re: international adoption w/ my husband. Only, it wasn't going like I had planned. I guess I planned an emotionally charged conversation, where we decided to jump feet first into this thing, hand in hand. It's not that it was awful, he just seems so reserved. Now, I know I'm all emotional. I just want something to be excited about. I just want to make a decision one way or another.

So I ate an entire Kringle. By myself.

I'm not proud of myself. You can pound one of those back pretty easily. I didn't feel good about it after the fact. Whoa is me.

My husband then went out of town for business, and ended up meeting up with his brother and his brother's friend.

Turns out this friend adopted 2 little girls from Russia a few years ago. This is good news because A) It's nice to know someone personally who has gone through the process and B) My husband must be talking about the subject for this to just be "randomly" brought up. He also has agreed to attend an informational meeting next month.

I felt better. Baby steps, right? I guess the eating the whole Kringle incident was in angst. Oh, well.

I'll lay off the purchasing of Kringle's for me anytime in the near future!

Angry?

2007-10-13T16:50:00.001-05:00

I was cleaning my sty of a kitchen. I accidentally knocked a glass off from the counter. It broke into a thousand little pieces. My almost-five-year-old, although I still prefer to call him my four year-old, rushed into see what happened. I sternly told him to stay back, as to not step on any of the broken glass. I must have sounded angry to him, as he replied, "Mommy, why are you so angry at God?"

I'm not kidding, that's what he said.

I quickly ran to him and gave him a hug. I apologized for my tone, and explained I didn't want him to get hurt. I tried to inquire more about his statement... "Do you think I'm angry?..." "Why would I be mad at God?" I got nothing except, "Can I watch my shows now." So much for having a deep conversation with a four year old.

Alas, it did get me thinking. Am I angry with God? Perplexed by God?... yes. Confused with God?... yes. But I don't think angry. After my first miscarriage, I can say with certainty I was angry with God. But now, I think I'm over that. I don't think that God has cursed me with infertility and three miscarriages. I think that shit happens sometimes. Shit has happened to me.

As for the perplexity and confusion... I still wonder... Why would God let a 15 year old... a drug addict... an abuser (fill in the blank)... have a child? Why let the child suffer in the hands of the people? There are so many people who are begging for a child, and can't have one... So I do wonder, "Why?"

I don't know, maybe he's on to something.

More on this subject later....

Men

2007-10-12T18:30:00.000-05:00

May I vent a little? OK, maybe more than a little.

We lost our baby 4 weeks and 2 days ago (not that I'm keeping track). Strangely, I feel back to "normal." I think I ovulated this week, and got to observe all of those wonderful signs. I wonder when AF will show. Have to schedule an appointment with my RE. Aaaah, things are back to normal. Only, I despise normal!

I've yet to schedule an appt. with my RE since the miscarriage. I'm dreading talking about it AGAIN, only to be told there were no apparent reasons as to why I lost the baby. AGAIN. This is especially the case since I don't think I want to pursue further fertility treatments. Of course, I'll probably change my mind tomorrow.

So, I've been really researching International adoption. Particularly, adoption from Russia. If I could, I think I'd leave tomorrow if our paperwork and finances were in order. Maybe I should see what my husband thinks about that. Which leads me to my problem...

Why the hell don't men talk, share, research, obsess, and focus all their energy on one thing? This has become my focus. I have to come up with a plan, crunch the numbers, research time lines, and learn a few words in Russian.

DH and I talked a little about adoption immediately after the miscarriage. We both agreed things were too raw, and that we would talk about our plans in the future.

Well, the future is now. It's here. I want to get the ball rolling.

I again broached the subject with DH tonight. My plans are to work a bunch of extra shifts over the next few months and try to pay off some bills. Work on my web-store and maybe earn a little extra money for the adoption expenses. The bulk of adoption would be paid for by the money we could pull out of our 401K. We could start the home study process in the beginning of 2008. See, I have a plan.

I decided that, perhaps, I should let DH in on my plan. We talked about it. For a little while. He just doesn't want to delve into as much as I do.

Is this one of the many differences between a man and a woman? Or is this just my DH not on the same page as I am? Will he ever be on the same page?

Anyone have any suggestions? Are there any books out there on men and adoption?

I'm not sure what to do or what to think.

No news is...

2007-10-09T20:28:00.000-05:00

... in this case, bad news.

Just spoke with my friend. BFN. WTF?

I have nothing more to add for the moment...

Nothing Yet

2007-10-09T06:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't heard from my friend I referred to in my last post. I called and left her a voice mail last Thursday. I'm 99.9% sure that this is the day she was going in for her beta. I'm a little concerned. She's in the 4th year of her residency program, so she's a busy girl. I'm not reading into the lack of response. Ok, I'm lying, I'm trying not read into it, but I am. Here's my analysis...

My hope is she got her BFP on Thursday. Probably didn't want to make any calls because a) It's a private moment. Not everyone knows they're pregnant the moment the embie implants. Maybe they just want a few days or a few weeks without letting everyone know the news and b) Perhaps they are waiting to make sure the beta level continues to double c) Maybe she's trying to "protect" me. She thinks that her good news might be too much for someone who just suffered a loss to handle (while this normally would be the case, an infertile hearing a BFP announcement from a fellow infertile... PRICELESS!!!)

Worse case scenario, a BFN. I don't think this is the case because a) After her failed FET cycle, she called me within hours for support b) It just had to be positive. HAD TO BE!!

Selfishly, I just want to hear some good news from the IVF front. It seems the only stories I know from people I actually know (i.e. not cyberfriends), haven't had happy endings. If we're even going to consider IVF, I need to hear a happy ending.

I just want my friend to have a baby. I will call her later today...

Waiting to make the call...

2007-10-04T08:40:00.000-05:00

My dear friend had her embie transfer about two weeks ago.

This morning, she goes in for her beta.

If anyone in this whole big universe deserves a BFP, it's her. I know that everyone has their issues, but she's had to deal with her husband having cancer, her mother having cancer, and infertility all at the same time. This is her third IVF attempt. Her first ended up with a stillbirth at 27 weeks, her second an unsuccessful FET, and now this, her third try.

Please God, let this one work!

It has helped to have a friend going through similar circumstances over the past 3 + years. Although, I much prefer my journey... although difficult, I see it could be so much harder.

I'm struggling with the call I'll make to her later this afternoon. First of all, is it too much to call her on the day she receives her beta results? I mean, maybe I should give her some space. But I want her to know I'm there to support her whatever the results.

And, Lord forbid, if it's a BFN, what do I say? How many "I'm sorry's" does one have to hear?

If it's a BFP, I will be elated. It seems the only joy I find in pregnancy announcements are from those who have had fertility and/or loss issues. Nice.

I'm an infertile and still struggle to find the right words. Perhaps I should cut fertiles and people naive to this warped world of infertility, ART, and pregnancy loss a little break.

Stupid Idea?

2007-10-02T19:34:00.001-05:00

I've been tossing around the idea of starting an online store.

I would make and sell baby items... ironic, huh? Mostly easy, cute stuff. I haven't figured all the details out yet, but like I said, I'm thinking about it.

I like to consider myself "crafty." I like to sew. I'm not the greatest, but baby stuff, I think I could handle. I've sewn stuff for my son... clothes, Halloween costumes, blankets, pillows. So that's the kind of thingies I'm thinking I would do.

I would put all proceeds earned towards our future fertility treatments (more than likely IVF with PGD), future adoption, or if we decide to leave well enough alone, donate the money to RESOLVE, or a children's organization of some sort, or even another deserving couple trying to make their dreams come true.

Of course, I'm not planning on making a lot of money. That would be great, but I think I'd be better off working extra shifts at work (I'm a nurse and make decent money... and they always need help). But, I figured it could be a creative outlet, a way to pass the time (especially since the weather's bound to get nasty on us soon... yuck!). And, if I happen to make a few bucks to put towards our cause, then great.

My primary marketing plan is to give my creations out as baby presents. Since everyone I know (and their mother) has either just had, or is about ready, to pop one out, I might as well profit from the fruits of their labor! So, I'm planning on throwing together nice gift baskets, and tucked inside a business card. Oh, I'm so subtle!

So I've been designing my business card. I think it turned out pretty cute. I thought about getting them professionally printed. But I don't want to pour money into this and either chicken out, or just not turn a profit. Did I mention I'm a nurse?? Not a business-minded bone in my body.

I think I'm gonna start working on the website soon. I checked, and the domain name I want is available. So, once I start, I'll post a link to it... I'm all about shameless self promotion!

What do you think, good idea, or waste of my time?

I'm not sure...

** Edited to add: OMG, I just checked out Stirrup Queens... great minds think alike! A sign perhaps?!?

I'm being a b!tch

2007-09-30T18:26:00.000-05:00

I think I'm avoiding people. On purpose.

My mother is high on the list. We normally talk daily, or every-other-day. She lives near Chicago, and I live in Michigan. She tried to help by coming to visit the day after the miscarriage (2 1/2 weeks ago, might I add.) I think it made things worse.

For one thing, I cry. I like to cry a lot. Always have, always will. My mom? Not so much. So, I tried not to cry in front of her. Stupid, I know.

She knit a baby blanket while visiting. It's what she does in her down time. Watches T.V. while knitting. Usually, a good use of time. But why the hell would you do that when your daughter just lost a baby? I know it was not out of malice. But... hello? A little sensitivity??

I could go on. She means well, and I know I'm being harsh.

I haven't spoken with her since Tuesday. She called and left a message on Friday, and I have not returned the call. I'm not really upset with her. It's more like, I really have nothing to say. I have no further information as to what our next step will be, and I know that will come up in conversation. I don't really want to discuss my sister and her adorable, sweet, precious new baby.

See, I told you... I'm a complete bitch.

More wine tonight. I'm limiting it to 2 small glasses... I have to go work out tomorrow morning. Ugh.

I did it...

2007-09-28T12:54:00.000-05:00

I had the unfortunate experience today of joining my local "women's only" gym today.

It's not fair! I should be 14 weeks pregnant, and enjoying getting my maternity clothes out. But instead, I had to face reality.

I'm fat. And I'm gonna keep getting fatter unless I do something about it. Only, I shouldn't have to be doing anything about it right now!

It's adding insult to injury! Salt in the wound! Somebody help me!

After miscarriage #1 (sad that I have to make a distinction!), I gained 20 pounds. Just ate anything and everything I wanted to, and didn't care. My attitude was "clearly, life's too short... eat, drink, and be merry!."

When I was then faced with fertility issues, it was suggested that perhaps it would help to lose some weight. So, off came the 20 pounds, and a few more. I was then at the same weight I was when we conceived our son.

Over the past 3 1/2 years of trying for #2, my weight has yo-yo'd. Not by much. But I know myself all too well. I had been thinking of joining this ladies only gym for a while now. Of course, then I got pregnant... and I was so happy that I could keep putting it off! But we all know how that ended.

Let it be known.... I have tempted the fates by paying for a year's membership IN FULL. NO REFUNDS.

My first work out was this morning. I hurt already.

Oh, and this isn't your typical old ladies gym. I think it's geared for a "younger" crowd. They have tons of cardio equipment, and then the typical circuit training. They also have "free" (included in your monthly dues) yoga, pilates, aerobics, etc. classes if you so desire. So, I like to think I joined a hip women's gym. Yea, that's it.

"Just So Sad"

2007-09-27T18:11:00.000-05:00

My whole life I have struggled with a lack of organization/order/neatness in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love when my house is neat and in order, but it is beyond me on how to get it there, and keep it there.

One thing I have mastered is how to cram, and pull an all-nighter. Much like when I was in college "preparing" for an exam, except instead of studying I clean. I had one of those sessions last night. And now I'm paying for it.

My son's best friend and his mom and baby brother were coming to our house for a play date. We met them last year at pre-school, but for whatever reason, we've always went to their house for play dates. So, a year later, I decided it was finally time to reciprocate.

The problem is that every time we went to their house, it was immaculate. This lady has a 4 year old, a 1 year old, 2 big dogs, and 2 cats. Not to mention she babysits for a couple of other kids a few days a week. I don't know how she does it.

And my house? Not so neat. I try, really I do. And in my 30+ years on this planet, I'm learning that my life would be so much easier if I were more organized. I'm a work in progress... in so many ways.

Now, it doesn't help that my son is like a tornado. He enters a room... BOOM... instant mess. It is a sight to behold.

And I count my husband's mess as if I have 2 other children. He wears a size 14 shoe. He leaves several pairs laying around, and... BEHOLD... instant obstruction!

The dog... a Golden Retriever... need I say more?

The reason I bring all this up is that I did stay up all night cleaning for fear of scaring off our guests. The real problem was that I had to clean every corner of our house. We have a finished basement, so I figured the kids would probably head down there. Of course, our main level, where we would eat lunch, etc. And even the upstairs. The little guy's bedroom and majority of toys are there. I also had to clean the nursery, because the one year would need to nap.

I had been sort of using the nursery as a storage room. If there was something laying around that didn't have a designated home... into the nursery it went. I've been packing up summer clothes and getting out fall clothes, and using the nursery to sort through everything.

So I cleaned it all up. It looks beautiful.

My friend went to lay her baby down. She commented on what a beautiful room it is, and that "It's just so sad..."

"Yea," I nodded, "it's sad."

I've been contemplating for some time now on what to do with that room. About 6 months ago I had considered selling all of the furniture and making it my craft room... or maybe a toy room for my son. But, I decided against it. I was hopeful. I figured that eventually the fertility treatments would work, and that we would have a baby to put in the crib.

And then, to our surprise, a pregnancy on our own in July.

And now, emptiness. And very little hope. I don't know if we're ever going to have another baby.

And in the midst of grieving my little baby, I'm also grieving the loss of a dream.

And trying to figure out what to do with the crib.

Hmmmm.....

2007-09-24T20:33:00.000-05:00

On my never ending googling quest to find answers, I stumbled upon this tidbit. Interesting:

Women are more likely to suffer recurrent miscarriages if their first child is a boy

Madrid, Spain: Women who give birth to a boy as their first child are more likely to suffer subsequent miscarriages than women whose first baby is a girl, an international conference of fertility experts heard today (Tuesday 1 July).
Dr Ole Christiansen, a consultant registrar at the Rigshospitalet Fertility Clinic in Copenhagen, Denmark, told the annual conference of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology, that giving birth to a boy first was not only a risk factor for subsequent miscarriages, but for women who suffered unexplained secondary recurrent miscarriages (SRM) it could mean that they never managed to carry a child to full term again unless doctors gave them appropriate treatments.
Dr Christiansen said: "Giving birth to a son is known already to be a prognostically negative factor in many obstetrical complications. Therefore we wanted to assess the impact of the gender of the first child on the outcome of subsequent pregnancies among patients with unexplained secondary recurrent miscarriages.[1]"
He studied 204 SRM patients admitted to clinics between 1986 and 2000, and obtained information on subsequent pregnancy outcome in 181 patients admitted before 2000. Among the patients admitted before 2000, only 54.4% of those who gave birth to a boy in their first pregnancy had given birth to a second live baby by January 2002, compared with 73% of women whose first child was a girl.
Amongst a subset of women who did manage to have a second child after a series of miscarriages, those whose first child was a boy had an average of 3.9 miscarriages before achieving a second birth, while women whose first child was girl had 3.5 miscarriages before delivery of a second child – a small but statistically significant difference. Average birth weights of the second children tended to be 181g higher where the first-born was a girl.
Dr Christiansen said: "Our study shows that the majority (54.4%) of those who gave birth to a boy in their first pregnancy go on to have a second child. However this percentage is lower than for those who gave birth to a girl first. Among my patients I have at least 50 who never have a second child after the first birth of a boy, whereas approximately 20 patients did not experience another birth after having a girl. So there are patients who will never get a second child in both groups, but the risk is larger among women whose first child was a boy."
He believes that the way women's immune systems react to male foetuses is the explanation for his finding and that therefore it will be possible to treat successfully women who suffer from SRMs. "These women may have raised an immunological reaction against tissue types that are expressed on the surface of the placenta in pregnancies with boys," he said. "The placenta is created from the foetus and if it is a boy it will carry these male-specific tissue types. The mother's immune system may be reacting by forming antibodies, but also the mother's white blood cells may be reacting against the placenta."
The first pregnancy is able to proceed to full term because the pregnancy is safely established by the time the mother's immune system starts to react to the male foetus. However, it is possible that the immune systems remains activated after delivery and affects subsequent pregnancies, believes Dr Christiansen.
"This is an epidemiological study, so we cannot be sure that such an immunological reaction is the explanation for our findings. However, no genetic disorder following the known rules of inheritance, can explain the findings. The impact of the gender of the first-born child on successive pregnancies is suggestive of something that has memory and only two tissues in the body are thought to have memory: the central nerve system and the immune system. Together with a PhD student, I have planned a series of genetic studies and immunological experiments to confirm or reject the theory of an impact of male specific antigens on the reproductive performance of women with SRM."
However Dr Christiansen believes his theory is probably correct because he has conducted two placebo-controlled trials in which infusions of intravenous immunoglobulin have been given to women with SRM to try to make their immune systems tolerate the male-specific antigens. This treatment increased the live birth rate by a factor of 2.3, whereas no effect could be detected in women who had never had a child and who suffered recurrent miscarriages.
"For many years it has been well-known that pregnancies with boys carry an increased risk for a long series of obstetrical complications compared with girl pregnancies. We believe that our research will be able to clarify whether these complications may be related to immunization against male-specific antigens. If this turns out to be the case, then I believe that we already have a quite efficient treatment, as our trials have shown."

I did everything right, right?

2007-09-24T06:08:00.000-05:00

So, I'm coming on the 2 week mark... 2 weeks ago I was blissful, naive, and pregnant.

Now, I'm sad, bitter, and not pregnant.

What I can say after this loss, that I never could after the first 2, is that I really think I did everything I could to avoid losing this little one. I've compiled a list. Why? Not sure, but these random thoughts were floating through my head all weekend at work.

Reasons I did not cause this miscarriage:

1) Number times I forgot to take my prenatal vitamin, extra folic acid, progesterone, baby aspirin, and metformin? ZERO

2) Number of cups of coffee I consumed this pregnancy? ZERO

3) Number of sandwiches containing deli meat I consumed this pregnancy? ZERO

4) How much seafood did I consume this pregnancy? NONE

5) Number of times I had intercourse from 7/19-9/12 (day I found out I was pregnant, to the day I miscarried) ZERO

6) Number of diet sodas consumed? ZERO

7) Number of times I saw a doctor throughout duration of pregnancy? approx. 9 including ultrasounds... did I mention I had 7 ultrasounds in this 12 week pregnancy? All of which the baby looked "great"

8) Length of my hair roots since my last hair appt. (which I think was back in June), and of course I didn't get my highlights redone once I found out I was pregnant... approx. 2 inches!

OK, I'm sure I'll think of more later. But, I can honestly say, I don't think I can blame this loss on anything that I "did" or "didn't" do. Instead, I'm blaming myself on things I have no control over... perhaps the cause of all of my losses is autoimmune? Perhaps I'm clotting? Although all of the tests come back negative.

I guess the bottom line is that I just want a freaking answer!

First Day Back...

2007-09-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

I had to go back to work today. I was dreading it. I really shouldn't complain... I work every other weekend (Fri., Sat., Sun.) as a Hospice nurse. I really love my job. Sure, it has it's moments... people are grieving and often misplace their anger (ha, sounds like me!), and it can be very stressful. But what I was really dreading was the lack of eye contact, the stupid "it wasn't meant to be" comments, and the sense that people are avoiding you because they just don't know what to say.

But... I had a pretty good day at work!

I was met with true compassion. People hugging me... and saying nothing. Co-workers making comments such as "I can't believe this keeps happening to you," with tears in their eyes. Wise suggestions... such as a woman who's daughter has had 4 miscarriages and is now 14 weeks pregnant and using acupuncture.

What a relief!

I can say that infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss has made me a better nurse. More empathetic, and more sincere. These three little one's have helped their mommy obtain so much wisdom and compassion in the few short weeks that they were with me.

On a different note, I was a naughty nurse... I looked up my medical records. Why, why, why, do I like self torture? The pathology report was back... "Immature male fetus... all findings negative." Still waiting cytology. Sigh... I should have 4 little boys : (

Two week post-op is on Tuesday. What a waste of time. There seem to be no answers.

Changing subjects again, thanks for the comments ladies! I was so touched to see the responses. I have to admit I am new to blog world... but I'm so happy I've found it! Feel free to come back anytime and listen to me whine and ramble!

Sloppy Drunk

2007-09-20T07:54:00.000-05:00

So much has happened since... May?!?!? Where has the time gone?

For one thing, in early July, we found out we were pregnant. On our own. No drugs or inseminations were needed. We had sex, I got pregnant, the way it suppose to happen.

I won't elaborate too much, as it is now September, and I am no longer pregnant. I miscarried this little one just over a week ago. I was 12 weeks along. I'm heart-broken. Sick. Come March, I won't have a baby... again.

Not only am I grieving this loss, but I'm grieving the idea that I probably will never have another baby. Ever. No doctor can give me an answer as to why this keeps happening... it takes over a year plus to get pregnant, and have had 3 consecutive miscarriages at 9 1/2, 8, and 12 weeks. We saw the heart beating on ultrasound with all 3 babies. "Less than 5% chance of miscarriage now" my ass.

So, I've been wallowing in self-pity for a little over a week now. And rightfully so I might add. And the inevitable happens... my sister has her baby 3 weeks early. I've been trying to prepare for the babies arrival, but I thought I had a few more weeks.

My sister and I have a unique relationship. I love her. I do. But we're not really that close. There's 6 years between us, and we are half sisters. Although that's really irrelevant, as she lived with us full time growing up. We're just different. If we weren't sisters, I don't think she and I would be "friends."

Now, I know she has probably been busy nesting and such, but never once did I receive a phone call, card, e-mail, NOTHING stating "I'm sorry to hear about your loss." Now to her credit, I had kept this pregnancy pretty quiet, but I know my siblings are aware of the miscarriage (my brother left me a "I'm sorry" message... thank God for brothers!).

I received the phone call from my Mom on Tuesday morning, stating the baby had been born Monday night. Great, now what do I do?

I guess I expected my sister to call me sometime on Tuesday to tell me the details, but that never happened. It didn't happen on Wednesday either. So last night (Wed.), I'm thinking what a horrible person I am for not calling and offering my "Congrats."

So, I sucked it up. Became the "better person." I called the hospital and asked for her room. It literally was a two minute conversation. I couldn't stomach anything longer. I had recited the conversation, and had decided that if she tried to turn the conversation to a "I'm sorry" tone, I would quickly state, "thank you, but I don't want to talk about me right now..."

But, the "I'm sorry" part of the conversation never happened.

Is it wrong to have been expecting it? I mean, she just had a baby for God's sake.

Instead, she told be the baby's middle name will be "Grace." The middle name I have been reserving for my baby for the past 4 years.

And thus, I got sloppy drunk last night. Not intentionally. At least I don't think so. Three (very large) glasses of wine, and it just happened. I have to say, I felt better. Now, not so much, but in the moment last light, I was oblivious to all emotion. Good or bad? I'm not sure.

Timing is everything

2007-05-23T21:34:00.000-05:00

Day three of my injectables cycle. It's amazing that I can pump my body full of hormones and not have any side effects. Fascinating...

In for blood work Friday morning to see how the follies are growing. My doctor thinks that early next week will be "O" day. Which could be a problem... DH might need to go out of town for work. What the hell?? I guess we're gonna have to get creative. It's so stressful to coordinate sex! Who ever would have thought? Like always, my husband is a trooper. He always says, "We'll make it work." Looking forward to the good old days... no more shots, no more doctors, no more catheters up the who-hoo. Aaaaaah... memories!

On a random note... American Idol ended tonight. I'm glad Jordin won. I think she's got a great voice. She's a big girl! She towered over Blake and Ryan. Maybe they're just really short...

... and time goes by...

2007-05-22T21:28:00.000-05:00

I have so much to be grateful for. Really, I do. But is it wrong to have a pity party now and then? I went to the dentist today for my routine 6 month cleaning. Every time I go to the dentist, they ask me the same question... are you pregnant or trying to get pregnant? Once again, I answer, "Still trying." The same answer I gave them back in November. Prior to that, I took a year off from going to the dentist, just because I didn't want to be asked that question again, and give them the same, disappointing answer. I then came to my senses, and realized that I must make dental hygiene a priority!

Today was the second day of giving myself injections, to hopefully stimulate my ovaries to produce a few, but not too many, good quality follicles. Let us hope.

I realized that this time last year I was pregnant. I was hopeful. I was in love. My 3rd pregnancy lasted from the day I found out (May 8th), to the day it was confirmed that it had ended (June 6th). Here I am one year later, no further along in my journey.

I guess that really isn't completly true, though. I still don't have a baby in my arms, but I have changed as a person. I can only hope that, in the long run, it is for the better.

Perhaps by my next dentist appointment, I can tell them, "I'm finally pregnant, already!" A girl can dream!