Ye Olde Abandon Blog

Hi... remember me? Fifteen weeks pregnant and freaking out with every twitch and every symptom (or lack there of).

Yeah, I had to take a break from the blogosphere for a while (OK... more like 6 months!).

I was googling and looking at every blog I could find about "miscarriage at 15 weeks." Or "lack of fetal movement at 17 weeks." This continued throughout the 2nd trimester. When I entered the 3rd trimester, I stopped going on the internet. It was hard, but I resisted. Apparently, I enjoy a form of self torture where I read other's stories of loss, and rationalize that if it happened to "them," it could happen to "me." Not exactly healthy to put myself in that frame of mind.

So, I walked away. It was really hard, but I did it.

And here it is mid-November. And guess what? I have a healthy, wonderful, miraculous 2 1/2 week baby boy. I'm still trying to figure out how that happened!

Introducing... Owen Henry



He was born on Halloween via scheduled C-section (thank God!), and weighed 9 lbs. 10 oz, and was 21 1/2 inches.



His big brother Matthew seems to be adjusting well...





(and he's doing very well in Kindergarten!).

Well, there you have it. A small but rather significant update. One I never thought I'd ever be posting... I am a mother of two. Weird. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one.

In the coming weeks, I'm gonna try a new blog layout, and really, really try to post often. No promises, but that's the plan.

I hope to catch up with everything soon!

I Hate This...

Things have been going well on the pregnancy front. I'm 15 + weeks.

But over the past 3 days I've been experiencing this "heaviness," or "sensation." I don't even know how to describe it. It's basically from my lower abdomen radiating to what I believe is my cervical area, and occasional "twinges" in the vajay-jay area.

It's not cramping. It's not pain. It's just there. There to make worry, and make me all paranoid.

I haven't had any spotting (knocking on wood). I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. He wasn't planning on doing an ultrasound, but I will ask to make sure everything is OK with my cervix. 2 weeks ago, it was great. So hopefully things will continue to go that way.

I'm tired of worrying. It's exhausting. But I guess it's par for the course.

Feeling Like a Fraud

Well I did it.

I went to K*hls and bought 2 pairs of maternity pants. A pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants for work. I got the jeans for $14 and the dress pants for $4.40 (on clearance!). I had to. None of my button up pants are buttoning-up.

I'm coming to about the 13 week mark in this pregnancy. You might say it's a bit early for me to require maternity clothes. But the little bit my uterus has grown has pushed my fat out even further. So, it's mostly to make my fat more comfy.

But it was the stranges sensation shopping in the maternity section. I really didn't want to. I considered just buying regular pants in a size or two bigger. Then I figured I'll have to move into maternity clothes at some point, so why not? Problem was it was like moving into sacred ground. Like when the cool kids in high school sat at the cool table in the cafeteria. And one day, they invite you to sit at the cool table. You've been waiting and waiting to sit at the cool table. Come to find out you like it, it just feels very ackward. And bit fraudulent.

Where we're at...

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. Between being outside with Matthew all day enjoying the fabulous weather, and going to bed by 8:30 every night, I haven't had much time to do much of anything lately. Including laundry, dishes, and all that good stuff!

So, I had another doctor's appt. yesterday. The first with my regular OB/GYN. It went really well. I had yet another ultrasound. The baby is measuring right around 11 1/2 weeks. I thought I had just hit the 11 week mark, so that was a pleasant surprise.

My OB has decided to wean me off the prednisone at 12 weeks, stop the Progesterone at 12 weeks, and keep my on the Lovenox and aspirin as a sort of "safety net." We have no idea if this combination of drugs has made this pregnancy last as long as it has, but I didn't want to risk stopping the Lovenox and, well, have my first second trimester lost. That doesn't sound like much fun to me.
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He also is having me come in for bi-weekly ultrasounds until about 16 weeks. Around 16 weeks, I'll come in for weekly ultrasounds for a few weeks to ensure my cervix is stable. Sounds good to me!

He then got into whether or not I want to have a repeat C-section or try for a VBAC. I laughed. We concluded that perhaps we should wait until I'm way into the second trimester before we have that discussion.

So all in all, things are going as well as they can. Other than being tired, I'm not having a lot of morning sickness or anything like that. Which is strange. I've always had pretty bad morning sickness w/ all four of my other pregnancies. I've been craving poptarts, which was what I pretty much survived on in college. Strange.

Alrighty then. I think I might do a load or two of laundry. And then I'll have to take a nap!

** Edited to add: There, I did it. To prove I do not believe in jinxes, I've added a pregnancy countdown thingy. I've always wanted to have one. So, I did it. I'm not jinxing myself, am I?!?

10 weeks

Today marks 10 weeks. It's becoming more and more difficult to restrain myself from getting excited.

Except that with my last pregnancy, the 10 week mark is when all hell broke loose. I started spotting, and it was all down hill from there until I miscarried at 12 weeks.

But I know that this is a whole new pregnancy. It is different then any pregnancy I've ever had. It's unique. I want to stop focusing on the past, and focus on the future.

Anyway, I have my next ultrasound appointment a week from tomorrow.

In other news, I bought a waxing kit and waxed my eyebrows. Why didn't I try this before?!? For years I've been plucking, or paying someone else to do the waxing for me. But for my first time, I think it went very well and will be doing it again in the future.

The Second Ultrasound...

... went well! The baby is measuring right at 9 weeks. Heart rate was 156. It was even moving around! I've been released to my regular OB/GYN. I guess all is going well.

I want to get more excited about this pregnancy. It's just that, as I've noted before, I've been down this road before. I've had many "great" ultrasounds.

I hope I don't jinx myself when I say I have a certain "peace" over the past few days. I've just really come to realize that this whole thing is out of my hands. All I can do is take my medications as prescribed and pray. And I've been doing a lot both.

Obsessing, Sleeping, Worrying, and More Sleeping

That about sum's up my last week.

Nothing really going on. Which is good, I'm not complaining. But not much to report.

I've been having some weird pelvic twitches?/pain?/pressure?/cramping? I have no idea how to classify what I'm feeling. It's only occasional. It's more like a keen awareness that I have a uterus. Dr. Google and DH seem to say this is normal. "Round ligament stretching." Golly, I hope that's all it is. You think I'd know what's normal by now, being this is my 5th pregnancy. But I haven't had too much of normal when it comes to the pregnancy department.

Approx. 8 weeks today. The way I look at it, in a few weeks, I should know how this is all going to turn out, one way or another. Just a few short weeks.

In the meantime, I'll keep sleeping. I'm so tired. How I long for my recliner and blanket. DH is taking good care of me. Hot fudge sundaes whenever I ask for them. Hey, I might as well enjoy the perks of pregnancy for as long as I can!

Good

So my ultrasound went well. I'm measuring just over 7 weeks. There was a heart beat. I'm just not an optimist. I want to be, but I just can't. But, I'll take the good news.

There was a small fluid filled sac just outside of the gestational sac. My doctor said it's nothing to worry about. I've never had that before. I'd like to think that maybe the sac is filled with glue. Yeah, that's it. Baby glue.

I'm also craving meat. In particular meat balls and meat loaf. I made DH stop by Subway after the appointment to get a meatball sub. I don't think I've ever had one of those before. But, it was like heaven on bread... mmmmmmm! Baby wants meat!

I've decided I'm going to blame everything on the baby for now... might as well enjoy being pregnant in any facet I can!

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is 1st ultrasound day. I'm scared, but relieved to get it over with.

I anticipate everything will be "normal." My symptoms have escalated... I'm more nauseous and more tired than ever.

What's frustrating is we could have a great ultrasound tomorrow. It might even get our hopes up a little.

But I've had perfect ultrasounds before.

So I'm looking at it as just one more hurdle to jump, in a really, really long race.

Feeling Nothing

This pregnancy has been pretty easy to ignore... minus the Lovenox injections & bruising they cause, and of course, the butt-load of pills I'm taking.

I'm not really nauseous. Maybe a little more tired than usual. My boobs hurt occasionally. I am hungry all the time, but I think the Prednisone maybe partially to blame for that.

My dates put me at 6 weeks today. I usually ovulate on day 16-17 of my cycle, so I think actually I'm just shy of 6 weeks. I wish I could have my ultrasound this week, verify if there's a heartbeat or not, and move on with my life.

Although all 3 of my babies I've lost have had heartbeats at the first ultrasound. So, I guess it wouldn't bring me that much peace of mine.

I just want to feel something. This is pregnancy #5 for me, and if I recall, I think my morning sickness usually really kicks in around week 8 or so. You think I'd be an expert by now. And I know all to well that morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy pregnancy.

It's just so hard.

Not Risky Enough

So, I just made my first OB appointment with my RE for Wednesday, March 26th.

I then hung up and called a major University healthcare system here in Michigan. I simply wanted a second opinion on managing our pregnancy, given the fact no one has any idea why I keep miscarrying.

So I called. Got a receptionist lady. I asked to make an appointment with the specific doctor a friend-of-a-friend referred me to. The receptionist asked why I need to see a "high-risk" physician. I state because I've had 3 recurrent pregnancy losses, and prefer not to have a 4th. I also told her I had unexplained secondary infertility. She asks when the losses occurred, and I tell her "9 1/2, 8, and 12 weeks." She states that would not qualify me as "high risk," and that at least one of the losses would have had to occurred after 22 weeks. Until then, I would start off as "low risk" and move to "high risk" if they deemed it appropriate.

I don't know, but call me crazy. I've never made it far enough to fit their label of "high risk." What would one consider me? Seriously, low risk? I know, I know, scientists consider miscarriage is a "normal" part of pregnancy. I guess I thought that three in a row, plus infertility, would bump me up do a different category.

I know I could fight it. Rant and rave and demand an appointment. I'm sure it could work. I just don't feel like fighting. And I know that there is no standard of care for people like me... people who lose babies for now apparent reason. I just wanted someone to tell me that they agree with my doctor's treatment plan. That there is nothing they would or would not do differently.

As it stands now, my RE will probably see me until 8 weeks or so. Then he said he'd refer me to our friendly local maternal-fetal specialists.

I guess I shouldn't get too upset. Perhaps I should wait and see what the results of our first ultrasound bring. To see if there is, indeed, something worth fighting for.

Anyway, that whole conversation just pissed me off. Thanks for listening.

Hope?

Just an update on all our happenings.

My second round of labs came back today. Beta is doubling nicely. Progesterone on the lower end of normal, so I'm vaginal Progesterone, just to be on the safe side.

I started my Lovenox injections and Prednisone yesterday.

It's odd. I really am trying to ignore the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. And am doing a pretty good job... although it is hard to ignore the pills, shots, vajayjay cream.

It's an odd place to be. I don't want to acknowledge I'm pregnant. I want to detach myself completely. And that way, if the worse case scenario happens, I'm hoping it won't hurt as bad.

But I can't help to have little glimpses of hope... I find myself daydreaming of baby names, of a due date, and nursery themes. Only to be smacked in the face of reality, knowing I've been in this same place now five times, and have only one child to show for it.

For now, I am going to try to enjoy the little glimmers of hope that come and go. All the while, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Not-So Comfortably Numb

Look what I did this morning:




In case you can't tell, yes, it is a positive pregnancy test. Excuse the pee on my desk.

All I can say is, what the hell?

I have no emotion. Just numb.

Do you want to see something else??



Matthew drew this family portait on Thursday. You can see me, clearly the one with the crazy hair. DH has ears, and Matthew looks just like DH, just sans ears. See that other smiley? I asked him when he gave me the drawing who that was... he said, "A baby."

I can only hope he's right. Please be right.