Decision 2008

The Michigan primary was held yesterday. I am a transplant here in the Great Lakes state. I must say I have yet to understand the politics here.

Just as the nation has to come to some sort of a decision in 2008 in regards to electing a new president, I feel as if my husband and I must to come to a decision in regards to our future as well.

I think I've expressed this before, but I'm getting tired of this journey. We desperately want another child. And if the past 4 years hasn't proven that this is no easy task, I know that our upcoming decisions will.

The way I see it, we have 3 choices.

#1) Pursue more fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to start (start meaning since my September miscarriage)Femara with IUI and see if that works (although I've failed 6 rounds of Clomid with 2 IUIs). He then offered to do more Gonadotropins with IUI (again, did 3 rounds already... two with IUI, and one cancelled due to over-stimulation). Of course, he says I can do IVF if I want to. Honestly, I can't see my self jumping through all these hoops again. I think if we decide to do more treatments, I just assume go straight to IVF. Which is fine. But I know all to well that it doesn't guarantee I would get pregnant. And if I got lucky and got pregnant... well, that doesn't mean I'll have a baby.

#2) We adopt. Sounds easy enough. We would need to decide what type of adoption to pursue. International sounds good... but, are there any stable programs at the moment? Not to mention the hefty price tag.

Domestic. I'm not sure I like the idea of relying on someone to choose my fate. I guess it's a control thing.

Foster-adopt. So much to consider. I must say, I've been really looking into this one. It seems like a win-win. I know that any child that is in the foster-care system is there for a reason. And with those reason's comes "issues." Complicating this is that I have an almost 5-year old son. I feel pretty strongly about preserving birth-order. We would all have to work with and through whatever "issues" we face as a family. Which could be too much for a 5-year old to handle.

#3) We leave well enough alone. We are blessed beyond belief with one happy, healthy child. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get lucky in the future. Problem being is that my eggs aren't getting any younger (I'll be 31 TOMORROW, I know I'm not "old," but I certainly am not getting any younger!). DH will be 40 this year. I really don't like this option.

So there is my brief synopsis of the thoughts that haunt me on a daily (and nightly)basis.

We will have a decision by year's end. We just have to.

Just Too Risky

Happy '08... it's just gotta be great! That's my new thinking.

So I got my period on New Year's Day. Happy New Year to me. It was fine. I mean, come on... after TTC for 4 years, you get use to disappointment. But, I did have a sliver of hope. A tiny, tiny sliver.

Things just have to get better, right? I mean, I am really happy with most aspects of my life. It's just on the fertility front, not so much.

All I can think about is "the next step." It haunts me. I wake in the middle of the night, and it comes to the forefront of my mind.

It plagues me. My husband just got a new job. Should we keep my insurance that offers some IF coverage? Or do we switch to the new insurance? I just love Human Resources' Benefit explanations... I think they purposely try to confuse you so you don't dare try to seek IF treatment. Can someone tell me what the hell this means?:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Infertility care:
Note: Fertility Drugs are subject to a total covered charge of $5,000 per person per Calendar Year.

In-Network: $25 co-pay per visit, then paid at 100% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs

Out-of-Network: 50% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

WTF?

Well, I suppose I could call HR and ask, but in my experience, the average person sitting behind a desk in HR doesn't know specifics regarding IF/IVF coverage.

And there was nothing regarding adoption assistance in this packet of information. It just covered Health & Dental insurance. I just wanted an answer. I guess what's a little more waiting?

Since AF made an appearance, I was looking into IVF shared risk programs. Apparently, I do not qualify for most of these programs anymore since we hit miscarriage #3. I done gone and f'd that up, too. Just too big of a risk. Great. If it's too big of a gamble for these companies, maybe it's too big of a gamble for us? I don't know.

So where does this leave us? We have no idea if DH's new job will cover IUI or IVF. I don't qualify for a shared risk program. And we have no idea as to whether or not is new company offers any type of adoption assistance.

I'm tired.

The RE appointment

I had been dreading it.

But it went OK. I'm glad it's over and done with. But now, another huge can of worms has been opened.

I hate worms.

He offered his condolonsces. I thanked him. I didn't cry... my eyes welled up, but no ugly cry.

He offered some interesting options. He feels this miscarriage was probably not a chromosomal thingy since a) all 3 babies cytogenetic reports came back normal b)this last baby was old enough to have an autopsy done (bizarre); the autopsy was normal c) DH and my karotype is normal d) we have our son. So given the above, probably not chromosomal.

Could be clotting, could be autoimmune. I was on baby aspirin with this pregnancy... I wonder if that's why I made it all the way to 12 weeks this time?

So, he's offered to start me on Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin), baby aspirin, an Prednisone with our next pregnancy. That's as "deep" as he can go. He said if I want further clotting/autoimmune testing and/or treatment, it's basically out of his league, but he could refer me to a doctor in Chicago who specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss.

As far as getting pregnant, he offered a) gonadotropins with Lupron/Ganirelix/HCG/IUI b) Femara w/ HCG and IUI.

You know, I was so excited when I got my last BFP... of course I was thrilled because we were gonna have a baby, but I was also thrilled to get the hell off the infertility roller-coaster.

Now I have to decide if I want to get back on.