Dear Body,
You've been used. You've been abused.
But you know what? You deserve it!
You've hurt me more than I've hurt you. I'm typically not one to hold onto grudges very long. But I cannot forgive you.
Perhaps you cannont forgive me either.
We use to be close. Now, I am willing to take some of the responsibility for us parting ways. Yes, I use to run 5 miles a day. But, things change, you know.
I'm no longer the 20 something college student with hardly a care in the world.
No, I am now 31 year old, I have a kid, a marriage, and a stressful job. It seems you don't take this into consideration. I'm overweight, stressed, and sleep deprived.
You can't say I don't try. I AM TRYING!! I'm trying to reconcile. For the past month, I'm eating high fiber, low fat, and limiting my calories. I'm trying to excercise.
I really hope you start to appreciate my efforts. In addition to the above attempts at reconcilation, I'm also taking supplements to help YOU feel better.
You have never been reliable. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the whole fertility and miscarriage subject. Remember?
See that's the thing... I can't seem to get over that minor detail of my life.
I forgave you after the first miscarriage. I thought it would never happen again.
Then came the infertility, and this is when you started to fail me!
We tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't help me. I went to the doctor. They couldn't help me. I can't say I was ever overly confident of the doctor, but I expected more from you.
I then fell into a depression. I gained weight. I thought you'd show mercy on me. And you did... for 8 1/2 weeks.
A "miracle" pregnancy. Remember that one? I was being prepped to go to the OR. Remember that nice dermoid cyst on my left ovary you created? Yeah, the one with fat and thyroid tissue? Yeah, that was fun. And they did a pregnancy test before surgery and, low and behold, after 2 years of TTC I was pregnant! And the whole pre-op department was cheering, and laughing, and happy for us? I just knew that pregnancy was meant to be!
Only it wasn't.
I've had it! The last straw was this past September. Another "miracle" pregnancy that lasted 12 weeks. The baby was alive hours before I miscarried! What the hell happened? Why was my cervix so thin? Now I can't even trust my cervix?!?
Is it a clotting disorder? Is it immunological? Is it PCOS? You have no answers.
I'm sorry to rehash all of this. I just can't trust you anymore. I suppose you can't trust me either.
But I will try, Body, I will try to respect you more. I am recommiting myself to you. We have to learn to live with each other. I will lose weight, and get more sleep, and excercise more. I'll take my vitamin supplements in hopes that we both gain something.
2008 is still new. Let's both make an effort to rekindle what we once had.
Thanks for Listening,
Jen
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
You Know You're an Infertile When...
Let me preface this post by stating that I worked 42 hours in 3 days. I'm beyond brain dead.
Last Friday I received a company wide e-mail stating that there was someone in the office that found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There was going to be a "contest" to see if anyone could guess who was the lucky mom-to-be.
I was at the office at midnight (don't ask), needless to say I was the only one in the office. I happened to spot the inter-office envelope where people were submitting their guesses. I just had to look!
Might I also add that everyone and their mother's-mother knows my infertility and miscarriage woes. People know that we have been TTC for 4 years.
The funny thing is that NOT ONE SINGLE vote had my name on it as the possible preggo.
Go figure.
Last Friday I received a company wide e-mail stating that there was someone in the office that found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There was going to be a "contest" to see if anyone could guess who was the lucky mom-to-be.
I was at the office at midnight (don't ask), needless to say I was the only one in the office. I happened to spot the inter-office envelope where people were submitting their guesses. I just had to look!
Might I also add that everyone and their mother's-mother knows my infertility and miscarriage woes. People know that we have been TTC for 4 years.
The funny thing is that NOT ONE SINGLE vote had my name on it as the possible preggo.
Go figure.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Distractions
I haven't been blogging of late.
Why?
Because there is really nothing going on in my life right now. I mean, there is the everyday, run-of-the-mill stuff, but that's about it.
Which is fine. But rather boring.
One thing that has happened since I last blogged is that I'm doing "Weight Watchers." In quotes because it's my version of the plan! But today marks the 3 week mark, and I'm 9 pounds lighter! I've also gone back to the gym. I had stopped going around the holidays (not too bright, as I gained 10 pounds from Thanksgiving until 3 weeks ago!), but we were just too busy.
I've been consitently been trying to go now at least 3 times a week, when Matthew is in pre-school. The problem being snow days, snow days, and President's Day. Oh well.
There is news on the TTC/TTP front. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant! But I think we've come up with a new course of action. I refuse to call it a plan anymore, well, because the best laid out plans haven't worked out for us.
But a course of action. First off, I have to get healthy. Not only for reproductive purposes, but I have to do it for my health in general. I refuse to publish how much I weigh. I out right refuse. But, I do feel somewhat comfortable sharing my BMI.
It's a sad truth. 29.
Anything over 30 is considerd "obese." Shit!
I really don't want to be in that catergory. Definately not good for TTC, not good for anything.
So, we are going to TTC on our own with timed intercourse and possibly do the whole Femara/IUI until my BMI is less than or equal to 24.9... or "Normal Weight." A mere 36 pounds to go.
Assuming I will not get pregnant in this time, I will then be at a healthier weight, for myself and for looking more seriously at IVF.
I'm not overly confident I will ever be able to carry another baby to term. But being at a healthier weight may help a little.
Not to mention, it's a good distraction.
Speaking of distractions, I have only been watching American Idol a few times here and there this season. I was browsing People.com (go figure), and came across his picture:
He made it to the final 24 on American Idol. I went to college with this guy! Millikin University is a small school with about 3,000 students, located in the Soy Bean capital of the universe. I really didn't know him, but a couple of my friends were pretty close to him. So everyone and watch and vote for Luke Menard!
See, lots of distractions... weight loss and American Idol... should keep me busy over the next few months!
Why?
Because there is really nothing going on in my life right now. I mean, there is the everyday, run-of-the-mill stuff, but that's about it.
Which is fine. But rather boring.
One thing that has happened since I last blogged is that I'm doing "Weight Watchers." In quotes because it's my version of the plan! But today marks the 3 week mark, and I'm 9 pounds lighter! I've also gone back to the gym. I had stopped going around the holidays (not too bright, as I gained 10 pounds from Thanksgiving until 3 weeks ago!), but we were just too busy.
I've been consitently been trying to go now at least 3 times a week, when Matthew is in pre-school. The problem being snow days, snow days, and President's Day. Oh well.
There is news on the TTC/TTP front. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant! But I think we've come up with a new course of action. I refuse to call it a plan anymore, well, because the best laid out plans haven't worked out for us.
But a course of action. First off, I have to get healthy. Not only for reproductive purposes, but I have to do it for my health in general. I refuse to publish how much I weigh. I out right refuse. But, I do feel somewhat comfortable sharing my BMI.
It's a sad truth. 29.
Anything over 30 is considerd "obese." Shit!
I really don't want to be in that catergory. Definately not good for TTC, not good for anything.
So, we are going to TTC on our own with timed intercourse and possibly do the whole Femara/IUI until my BMI is less than or equal to 24.9... or "Normal Weight." A mere 36 pounds to go.
Assuming I will not get pregnant in this time, I will then be at a healthier weight, for myself and for looking more seriously at IVF.
I'm not overly confident I will ever be able to carry another baby to term. But being at a healthier weight may help a little.
Not to mention, it's a good distraction.
Speaking of distractions, I have only been watching American Idol a few times here and there this season. I was browsing People.com (go figure), and came across his picture:
He made it to the final 24 on American Idol. I went to college with this guy! Millikin University is a small school with about 3,000 students, located in the Soy Bean capital of the universe. I really didn't know him, but a couple of my friends were pretty close to him. So everyone and watch and vote for Luke Menard!
See, lots of distractions... weight loss and American Idol... should keep me busy over the next few months!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Decision 2008
The Michigan primary was held yesterday. I am a transplant here in the Great Lakes state. I must say I have yet to understand the politics here.
Just as the nation has to come to some sort of a decision in 2008 in regards to electing a new president, I feel as if my husband and I must to come to a decision in regards to our future as well.
I think I've expressed this before, but I'm getting tired of this journey. We desperately want another child. And if the past 4 years hasn't proven that this is no easy task, I know that our upcoming decisions will.
The way I see it, we have 3 choices.
#1) Pursue more fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to start (start meaning since my September miscarriage)Femara with IUI and see if that works (although I've failed 6 rounds of Clomid with 2 IUIs). He then offered to do more Gonadotropins with IUI (again, did 3 rounds already... two with IUI, and one cancelled due to over-stimulation). Of course, he says I can do IVF if I want to. Honestly, I can't see my self jumping through all these hoops again. I think if we decide to do more treatments, I just assume go straight to IVF. Which is fine. But I know all to well that it doesn't guarantee I would get pregnant. And if I got lucky and got pregnant... well, that doesn't mean I'll have a baby.
#2) We adopt. Sounds easy enough. We would need to decide what type of adoption to pursue. International sounds good... but, are there any stable programs at the moment? Not to mention the hefty price tag.
Domestic. I'm not sure I like the idea of relying on someone to choose my fate. I guess it's a control thing.
Foster-adopt. So much to consider. I must say, I've been really looking into this one. It seems like a win-win. I know that any child that is in the foster-care system is there for a reason. And with those reason's comes "issues." Complicating this is that I have an almost 5-year old son. I feel pretty strongly about preserving birth-order. We would all have to work with and through whatever "issues" we face as a family. Which could be too much for a 5-year old to handle.
#3) We leave well enough alone. We are blessed beyond belief with one happy, healthy child. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get lucky in the future. Problem being is that my eggs aren't getting any younger (I'll be 31 TOMORROW, I know I'm not "old," but I certainly am not getting any younger!). DH will be 40 this year. I really don't like this option.
So there is my brief synopsis of the thoughts that haunt me on a daily (and nightly)basis.
We will have a decision by year's end. We just have to.
Just as the nation has to come to some sort of a decision in 2008 in regards to electing a new president, I feel as if my husband and I must to come to a decision in regards to our future as well.
I think I've expressed this before, but I'm getting tired of this journey. We desperately want another child. And if the past 4 years hasn't proven that this is no easy task, I know that our upcoming decisions will.
The way I see it, we have 3 choices.
#1) Pursue more fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to start (start meaning since my September miscarriage)Femara with IUI and see if that works (although I've failed 6 rounds of Clomid with 2 IUIs). He then offered to do more Gonadotropins with IUI (again, did 3 rounds already... two with IUI, and one cancelled due to over-stimulation). Of course, he says I can do IVF if I want to. Honestly, I can't see my self jumping through all these hoops again. I think if we decide to do more treatments, I just assume go straight to IVF. Which is fine. But I know all to well that it doesn't guarantee I would get pregnant. And if I got lucky and got pregnant... well, that doesn't mean I'll have a baby.
#2) We adopt. Sounds easy enough. We would need to decide what type of adoption to pursue. International sounds good... but, are there any stable programs at the moment? Not to mention the hefty price tag.
Domestic. I'm not sure I like the idea of relying on someone to choose my fate. I guess it's a control thing.
Foster-adopt. So much to consider. I must say, I've been really looking into this one. It seems like a win-win. I know that any child that is in the foster-care system is there for a reason. And with those reason's comes "issues." Complicating this is that I have an almost 5-year old son. I feel pretty strongly about preserving birth-order. We would all have to work with and through whatever "issues" we face as a family. Which could be too much for a 5-year old to handle.
#3) We leave well enough alone. We are blessed beyond belief with one happy, healthy child. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get lucky in the future. Problem being is that my eggs aren't getting any younger (I'll be 31 TOMORROW, I know I'm not "old," but I certainly am not getting any younger!). DH will be 40 this year. I really don't like this option.
So there is my brief synopsis of the thoughts that haunt me on a daily (and nightly)basis.
We will have a decision by year's end. We just have to.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Just Too Risky
Happy '08... it's just gotta be great! That's my new thinking.
So I got my period on New Year's Day. Happy New Year to me. It was fine. I mean, come on... after TTC for 4 years, you get use to disappointment. But, I did have a sliver of hope. A tiny, tiny sliver.
Things just have to get better, right? I mean, I am really happy with most aspects of my life. It's just on the fertility front, not so much.
All I can think about is "the next step." It haunts me. I wake in the middle of the night, and it comes to the forefront of my mind.
It plagues me. My husband just got a new job. Should we keep my insurance that offers some IF coverage? Or do we switch to the new insurance? I just love Human Resources' Benefit explanations... I think they purposely try to confuse you so you don't dare try to seek IF treatment. Can someone tell me what the hell this means?:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Infertility care:
Note: Fertility Drugs are subject to a total covered charge of $5,000 per person per Calendar Year.
In-Network: $25 co-pay per visit, then paid at 100% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
Out-of-Network: 50% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
WTF?
Well, I suppose I could call HR and ask, but in my experience, the average person sitting behind a desk in HR doesn't know specifics regarding IF/IVF coverage.
And there was nothing regarding adoption assistance in this packet of information. It just covered Health & Dental insurance. I just wanted an answer. I guess what's a little more waiting?
Since AF made an appearance, I was looking into IVF shared risk programs. Apparently, I do not qualify for most of these programs anymore since we hit miscarriage #3. I done gone and f'd that up, too. Just too big of a risk. Great. If it's too big of a gamble for these companies, maybe it's too big of a gamble for us? I don't know.
So where does this leave us? We have no idea if DH's new job will cover IUI or IVF. I don't qualify for a shared risk program. And we have no idea as to whether or not is new company offers any type of adoption assistance.
I'm tired.
So I got my period on New Year's Day. Happy New Year to me. It was fine. I mean, come on... after TTC for 4 years, you get use to disappointment. But, I did have a sliver of hope. A tiny, tiny sliver.
Things just have to get better, right? I mean, I am really happy with most aspects of my life. It's just on the fertility front, not so much.
All I can think about is "the next step." It haunts me. I wake in the middle of the night, and it comes to the forefront of my mind.
It plagues me. My husband just got a new job. Should we keep my insurance that offers some IF coverage? Or do we switch to the new insurance? I just love Human Resources' Benefit explanations... I think they purposely try to confuse you so you don't dare try to seek IF treatment. Can someone tell me what the hell this means?:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Infertility care:
Note: Fertility Drugs are subject to a total covered charge of $5,000 per person per Calendar Year.
In-Network: $25 co-pay per visit, then paid at 100% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
Out-of-Network: 50% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
WTF?
Well, I suppose I could call HR and ask, but in my experience, the average person sitting behind a desk in HR doesn't know specifics regarding IF/IVF coverage.
And there was nothing regarding adoption assistance in this packet of information. It just covered Health & Dental insurance. I just wanted an answer. I guess what's a little more waiting?
Since AF made an appearance, I was looking into IVF shared risk programs. Apparently, I do not qualify for most of these programs anymore since we hit miscarriage #3. I done gone and f'd that up, too. Just too big of a risk. Great. If it's too big of a gamble for these companies, maybe it's too big of a gamble for us? I don't know.
So where does this leave us? We have no idea if DH's new job will cover IUI or IVF. I don't qualify for a shared risk program. And we have no idea as to whether or not is new company offers any type of adoption assistance.
I'm tired.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Oh Crap...
I just realized I'm coming to the end of the 2WW.
It's been awhile since I've had one of these.
We technically aren't officially trying, but we're not officially not trying either.
In other words, we did have unprotected intercourse this cycle.
My face is broken out, I'm bitchy, and my stomach has felt weird.
All signs of a possible pregnancy... and of PMS.
Oh crap!
It's been awhile since I've had one of these.
We technically aren't officially trying, but we're not officially not trying either.
In other words, we did have unprotected intercourse this cycle.
My face is broken out, I'm bitchy, and my stomach has felt weird.
All signs of a possible pregnancy... and of PMS.
Oh crap!
Monday, December 17, 2007
Weekend Update
Another weekend has come and gone. And I have to say, thank God!
Let me start with some REALLY good news... my friend got a BFP!! Yipee! Now she is going through the "I'm so happy/excited, but don't want to get too happy/excited" phase. Obviously, it's so early, and she's got along way to go... but it's hard not to get excited for her. This is odd... I'm excited about someones pregnancy announcement! Maybe there is hope for me!
It was my weekend to work. It started off with me getting up on Friday. I was sick. Again. Like feverish, chills, and dizziness sick. I called into work to see if there was anyway I could take a sick day. Apparently, 4 other people woke up with the same symptoms, and beat me to the punch. They begged me to come in. Great, I'll come in and spread my nastiness. I drugged myself with Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and anything else I could get my hands on. I wore a mask and gloves all day long. It actually worked out fine. But boy was I glad when the end of my shift was done. I'll I could envision was my bed, and my pillow, and a pile of blankets. That's what got me through.
So, imagine my dismay when on the way home from work, I saw what looked like a white plastic grocery bag floating towards me. Only it wasn't a bag.
It was a white dog.
The car in front of me hit it first, and then it kind of "floated" in the air towards me. I nixed the whole bag theory when it hit my vehicle with a "bang." Definitely not a bag.
The guy who hit it first stopped, turned around to see what he hit, and drove off. Nice. All I could think of is, 'What if this was my dog?' I pulled over, put my hazards on. I then ran to a couple of homes where the incident occur ed. The dog belonged to no one, nor did they knew who's it was. Great... now what do I do. Seriously, does anyone know what to do in this situation?
God must have shown some mercy on me, as a car pulled behind me about 25 minutes later. It was a neighbor of the owner of the dog. We loaded her up in some of my nursing supplies (thank god I carry around disable blue pad thingys!) and they brought her home.
I just kept thinking great... some little kid's dog got killed at Christmas time. Great memories. Yeah, that sucked.
In better news, I have a bit a of personal news. It might be too much information, so please stop reading if you have no desire to hear of my sex life.
But, my DH and I actually had good sex! I know this sounds odd, as we have been TTC for almost 4 years. But in that 4 years, I can honestly count the times where the sex was great. This is making my husband sound inadequate! But that's not it at all. I think anyone who's been TTC for a long time can relate. It's always about baby-making... never about fun and enjoyment.
I think (for the time being) I'm out from under the TTC cloud... and also out of the post miscarriage psyche. I've always had a hard time after a miscarriage getting back into sex. Is this normal? It's like... here we go again... maybe I'll get pregnant... but I should be pregnant...
So, yea for me! I mean us!
And on goes my baby obsessed brain... hey, maybe I'm knocked up now!
WILL IT EVER END?!?!
Let me start with some REALLY good news... my friend got a BFP!! Yipee! Now she is going through the "I'm so happy/excited, but don't want to get too happy/excited" phase. Obviously, it's so early, and she's got along way to go... but it's hard not to get excited for her. This is odd... I'm excited about someones pregnancy announcement! Maybe there is hope for me!
It was my weekend to work. It started off with me getting up on Friday. I was sick. Again. Like feverish, chills, and dizziness sick. I called into work to see if there was anyway I could take a sick day. Apparently, 4 other people woke up with the same symptoms, and beat me to the punch. They begged me to come in. Great, I'll come in and spread my nastiness. I drugged myself with Tylenol, Ibuprofen, and anything else I could get my hands on. I wore a mask and gloves all day long. It actually worked out fine. But boy was I glad when the end of my shift was done. I'll I could envision was my bed, and my pillow, and a pile of blankets. That's what got me through.
So, imagine my dismay when on the way home from work, I saw what looked like a white plastic grocery bag floating towards me. Only it wasn't a bag.
It was a white dog.
The car in front of me hit it first, and then it kind of "floated" in the air towards me. I nixed the whole bag theory when it hit my vehicle with a "bang." Definitely not a bag.
The guy who hit it first stopped, turned around to see what he hit, and drove off. Nice. All I could think of is, 'What if this was my dog?' I pulled over, put my hazards on. I then ran to a couple of homes where the incident occur ed. The dog belonged to no one, nor did they knew who's it was. Great... now what do I do. Seriously, does anyone know what to do in this situation?
God must have shown some mercy on me, as a car pulled behind me about 25 minutes later. It was a neighbor of the owner of the dog. We loaded her up in some of my nursing supplies (thank god I carry around disable blue pad thingys!) and they brought her home.
I just kept thinking great... some little kid's dog got killed at Christmas time. Great memories. Yeah, that sucked.
In better news, I have a bit a of personal news. It might be too much information, so please stop reading if you have no desire to hear of my sex life.
But, my DH and I actually had good sex! I know this sounds odd, as we have been TTC for almost 4 years. But in that 4 years, I can honestly count the times where the sex was great. This is making my husband sound inadequate! But that's not it at all. I think anyone who's been TTC for a long time can relate. It's always about baby-making... never about fun and enjoyment.
I think (for the time being) I'm out from under the TTC cloud... and also out of the post miscarriage psyche. I've always had a hard time after a miscarriage getting back into sex. Is this normal? It's like... here we go again... maybe I'll get pregnant... but I should be pregnant...
So, yea for me! I mean us!
And on goes my baby obsessed brain... hey, maybe I'm knocked up now!
WILL IT EVER END?!?!
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