Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Better than Xanax

After my third miscarriage in September of 2007, I had finally learned enough from the prior two losses to advocate for myself. You'd think as a nurse that after my first loss I would have known what to ask for, and to know enough to let my concerns be known. But, I was a naive patient on the other side of the fence.

After my first two miscarriages I had terrible insomnia and anxiety afterwards. It didn't last that long, and I just learned to deal with it.

Finally, after loss #3, (in which I was hospitalized over night and then told to go home and wait to lose the baby) I asked, no rather, I demanded a few days worth of Ambien and Xanax. They helped take the edge up so I could sleep and function as I started to heal physically and emotionally.

During my pregnancy with Owen, there would be times where I was paralyzed with anxiety. Every stretch of my uterus brought irrational fear. With every trip to the bathroom evoked apprehension and a thorough inspection of the toilet paper. In the second and third trimester, I panicked when I didn't feel him move. Anyone who's been through pregnancy loss I'm sure can relate.

Knowing I couldn't have a glass of wine, or take a pill to help me through these emotions, I looked for other ways to cope with the anxiety and stress I was experiencing. I prayed, and asked others' to pray for me and the baby. I reached out to my church family more than ever. I'm typically not one to ask for help, but I felt so desperate, I was willing to put myself out there.

I also read a lot of Psalms. I listened to this hymn, Psalm 62, hundreds of times. I'm not kidding. It always brought me such a sense of calm. And now, when Owen is having one of his colicky moments, I put this song on and he starts calming down. I think he must recognize it from all the times he heard it in utero!

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