Wednesday, March 26, 2008


So my ultrasound went well. I'm measuring just over 7 weeks. There was a heart beat. I'm just not an optimist. I want to be, but I just can't. But, I'll take the good news.

There was a small fluid filled sac just outside of the gestational sac. My doctor said it's nothing to worry about. I've never had that before. I'd like to think that maybe the sac is filled with glue. Yeah, that's it. Baby glue.

I'm also craving meat. In particular meat balls and meat loaf. I made DH stop by Subway after the appointment to get a meatball sub. I don't think I've ever had one of those before. But, it was like heaven on bread... mmmmmmm! Baby wants meat!

I've decided I'm going to blame everything on the baby for now... might as well enjoy being pregnant in any facet I can!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Tomorrow is 1st ultrasound day. I'm scared, but relieved to get it over with.

I anticipate everything will be "normal." My symptoms have escalated... I'm more nauseous and more tired than ever.

What's frustrating is we could have a great ultrasound tomorrow. It might even get our hopes up a little.

But I've had perfect ultrasounds before.

So I'm looking at it as just one more hurdle to jump, in a really, really long race.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


Today was your due date. The doctors thought that you would be born around this day. So much would be different. You would be here.

Today is the first day of spring... new beginnings.

It seems as though I have another baby growing in me for the moment. This has made it hard to remember you. Not because I don't want too. But I am struggling with the same feelings of doubt that I had with you, and that I now have for your sibling.

I know that when I get to Heaven, I will meet you there. All three of my little boys who I didn't get to meet here. This truly will be a great reward.

Until then, I remember you. You have left an ever-lasting footprint on my heart.

Love Always,

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Feeling Nothing

This pregnancy has been pretty easy to ignore... minus the Lovenox injections & bruising they cause, and of course, the butt-load of pills I'm taking.

I'm not really nauseous. Maybe a little more tired than usual. My boobs hurt occasionally. I am hungry all the time, but I think the Prednisone maybe partially to blame for that.

My dates put me at 6 weeks today. I usually ovulate on day 16-17 of my cycle, so I think actually I'm just shy of 6 weeks. I wish I could have my ultrasound this week, verify if there's a heartbeat or not, and move on with my life.

Although all 3 of my babies I've lost have had heartbeats at the first ultrasound. So, I guess it wouldn't bring me that much peace of mine.

I just want to feel something. This is pregnancy #5 for me, and if I recall, I think my morning sickness usually really kicks in around week 8 or so. You think I'd be an expert by now. And I know all to well that morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy pregnancy.

It's just so hard.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Not Risky Enough

So, I just made my first OB appointment with my RE for Wednesday, March 26th.

I then hung up and called a major University healthcare system here in Michigan. I simply wanted a second opinion on managing our pregnancy, given the fact no one has any idea why I keep miscarrying.

So I called. Got a receptionist lady. I asked to make an appointment with the specific doctor a friend-of-a-friend referred me to. The receptionist asked why I need to see a "high-risk" physician. I state because I've had 3 recurrent pregnancy losses, and prefer not to have a 4th. I also told her I had unexplained secondary infertility. She asks when the losses occurred, and I tell her "9 1/2, 8, and 12 weeks." She states that would not qualify me as "high risk," and that at least one of the losses would have had to occurred after 22 weeks. Until then, I would start off as "low risk" and move to "high risk" if they deemed it appropriate.

I don't know, but call me crazy. I've never made it far enough to fit their label of "high risk." What would one consider me? Seriously, low risk? I know, I know, scientists consider miscarriage is a "normal" part of pregnancy. I guess I thought that three in a row, plus infertility, would bump me up do a different category.

I know I could fight it. Rant and rave and demand an appointment. I'm sure it could work. I just don't feel like fighting. And I know that there is no standard of care for people like me... people who lose babies for now apparent reason. I just wanted someone to tell me that they agree with my doctor's treatment plan. That there is nothing they would or would not do differently.

As it stands now, my RE will probably see me until 8 weeks or so. Then he said he'd refer me to our friendly local maternal-fetal specialists.

I guess I shouldn't get too upset. Perhaps I should wait and see what the results of our first ultrasound bring. To see if there is, indeed, something worth fighting for.

Anyway, that whole conversation just pissed me off. Thanks for listening.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


Just an update on all our happenings.

My second round of labs came back today. Beta is doubling nicely. Progesterone on the lower end of normal, so I'm vaginal Progesterone, just to be on the safe side.

I started my Lovenox injections and Prednisone yesterday.

It's odd. I really am trying to ignore the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. And am doing a pretty good job... although it is hard to ignore the pills, shots, vajayjay cream.

It's an odd place to be. I don't want to acknowledge I'm pregnant. I want to detach myself completely. And that way, if the worse case scenario happens, I'm hoping it won't hurt as bad.

But I can't help to have little glimpses of hope... I find myself daydreaming of baby names, of a due date, and nursery themes. Only to be smacked in the face of reality, knowing I've been in this same place now five times, and have only one child to show for it.

For now, I am going to try to enjoy the little glimmers of hope that come and go. All the while, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Not-So Comfortably Numb

Look what I did this morning:

In case you can't tell, yes, it is a positive pregnancy test. Excuse the pee on my desk.

All I can say is, what the hell?

I have no emotion. Just numb.

Do you want to see something else??

Matthew drew this family portait on Thursday. You can see me, clearly the one with the crazy hair. DH has ears, and Matthew looks just like DH, just sans ears. See that other smiley? I asked him when he gave me the drawing who that was... he said, "A baby."

I can only hope he's right. Please be right.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Well... that was sucky!

A few sucky things.

1) Luke got voted off American Idol tonight. I kind of knew it was coming. Frankly, he had a poor performance this week. It doesn't seem like many folks in cyberspace were pulling for him. It was nice to be rooting for someone I once knew, as it added a certain element to watching the show. I'll have to watch next week to come up with a new fav.

2) I believe Aunt Flo is on her way. Funny, I actually thought we stood a chance this cycle. Although, thinking back, I think we only did the deed once around the time I was ovulating due to DH's ebola-like virus and business travels. You think I'd have no hope left after 4 years of TTC, yet here I am still holding on. Either I'm a hopeless TTCer, or just plain stupid.

3) We had a playdate today with two of Matthew's preschool buddies. So that was THREE boys. Note to self and anyone else who might care: Do Not do playdates with an odd number of children! Somebody always gets left out... and in this case it was my boy. Oh, it broke my heart! Basically, it was my son's own fault. The other boys wanted to play Power Rangers. Matthew doesn't like Power Ranger's, and wanted to play Monster Trucks (go figure!). So the two boys played Power Rangers, and Matthew played with the trucks by himself. For the most part, he was fine with it. I tried to have him switch gears and play with the other boys, but he is a little head strong (don't know where he got that from!) His "best buddy" also made a comment about how he "doesn't like Matthew and likes Johnny (not his real name) better." Matthew stood there dumbfounded, and quickly got over it. Me, not so much! I know they are 5 years old, and have no idea the weight their actions and words have on other people. But as a mother, you might as well have torn my heart right out of my chest. Top all of this with a touch of PMS, and well, you have one nasty MaMa bear who just wants to protect her cub. Sucky.

4) Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer!?! I have no words.

5) We're suppose to get 12 inches of snow this weekend. Sucky, sucky, sucky.

6) I have to work this weekend. In the snow storm. Driving all over God's creation. Fun.