I've been a tad over emotional today. And I admit, perhaps a tad irrational.
I go back to work tomorrow. I've sat around all day today in my pajamas, holding and kissing my baby. I can't believe I have to be gone from him tomorrow for over 12 hours. Then, wake up and do it all over again on Saturday and Sunday. Over 36 long hours. My husband can't understand my crying over the situation. After all, both boys will be at home with my husband. They'll be well cared for and loved. But I want to be here with them. I want to steal kisses when ever I feel like it. Scoop up a boy of my choosing and give them a squeeze. I love the smell of my boys (yes, even the almost 6 year old!). And I am going to miss them.
I think part of my issue is the very intensity of my job. As a hospice nurse, I have to be on my "A" game all the time. I won't be able to be of much help to a grieving family who is caring for their loved one, if my brain and my heart are at home, in my PJs, snuggling my baby. I have to be there for them in that moment. 100% of myself has to be in my job.
In my self wallowing today, I've given much thought about how lucky I am to be here. In the most basic way, I am thankful that I live in Michigan, and I have a job to be going back to.
I've also given much thought about fellow blogger Emilie Lemmons, and her recent passing. Emilie even commented on how "helpful" and "compassionate" hospice care was to her, in regards to them caring for her in her home. I thought about her hospice team, and how intense of a situation it would be to walk into the home of a beautiful family, with two baby boys losing their mother. I've been in similar situations, and it is draining, surreal, and rewarding in some strange way. So tomorrow, when I feel drained and stressed, I will try to think of Emilie and get through it.
When I finally get home, I will not freak out if my husband forgot to put a onsie on the baby, or if Matthew ate PB&J for breakfast and lunch.
I know that they will have been loved, and smooched, and cuddled, all while mommy was at work, hopefully making even the smallest difference in someone's life.
So, if you see me in my car, in some parking lot, pumping my boobs, crying to Owen's lullaby CD, and kissing my PDA with these pics...
please ignore me and cut me some slack... it's been a long, hard day!