"Just So Sad"

My whole life I have struggled with a lack of organization/order/neatness in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love when my house is neat and in order, but it is beyond me on how to get it there, and keep it there.

One thing I have mastered is how to cram, and pull an all-nighter. Much like when I was in college "preparing" for an exam, except instead of studying I clean. I had one of those sessions last night. And now I'm paying for it.

My son's best friend and his mom and baby brother were coming to our house for a play date. We met them last year at pre-school, but for whatever reason, we've always went to their house for play dates. So, a year later, I decided it was finally time to reciprocate.

The problem is that every time we went to their house, it was immaculate. This lady has a 4 year old, a 1 year old, 2 big dogs, and 2 cats. Not to mention she babysits for a couple of other kids a few days a week. I don't know how she does it.

And my house? Not so neat. I try, really I do. And in my 30+ years on this planet, I'm learning that my life would be so much easier if I were more organized. I'm a work in progress... in so many ways.

Now, it doesn't help that my son is like a tornado. He enters a room... BOOM... instant mess. It is a sight to behold.

And I count my husband's mess as if I have 2 other children. He wears a size 14 shoe. He leaves several pairs laying around, and... BEHOLD... instant obstruction!

The dog... a Golden Retriever... need I say more?

The reason I bring all this up is that I did stay up all night cleaning for fear of scaring off our guests. The real problem was that I had to clean every corner of our house. We have a finished basement, so I figured the kids would probably head down there. Of course, our main level, where we would eat lunch, etc. And even the upstairs. The little guy's bedroom and majority of toys are there. I also had to clean the nursery, because the one year would need to nap.

I had been sort of using the nursery as a storage room. If there was something laying around that didn't have a designated home... into the nursery it went. I've been packing up summer clothes and getting out fall clothes, and using the nursery to sort through everything.

So I cleaned it all up. It looks beautiful.

My friend went to lay her baby down. She commented on what a beautiful room it is, and that "It's just so sad..."

"Yea," I nodded, "it's sad."

I've been contemplating for some time now on what to do with that room. About 6 months ago I had considered selling all of the furniture and making it my craft room... or maybe a toy room for my son. But, I decided against it. I was hopeful. I figured that eventually the fertility treatments would work, and that we would have a baby to put in the crib.

And then, to our surprise, a pregnancy on our own in July.

And now, emptiness. And very little hope. I don't know if we're ever going to have another baby.

And in the midst of grieving my little baby, I'm also grieving the loss of a dream.

And trying to figure out what to do with the crib.