Perhaps I'm a tad cynical

Ok, so I've recovered from my marathon of a weekend at work.

Only to do it again this weekend. But that's ok. I'm not going to whine about it. I'm a grown woman, and I chose to work extra. See, no whining.

But since I've been working so much, I've had to hurry and get my holiday decorating done. I have TONS of Christmas decorations. And, I love to decorate. I have a touch of OCD with my holiday decorating. Everything has to be just right. God forbid my DH try to help, 'cause he'd just screw it up. Even the outdoor lighting... I prefer to be the one up on the ladder, just to make sure it's done to my standards. Sad, I know!

All this decorating got me thinking about our Christmas cards. Our first Christmas card we sent out as newly weds was a picture of us on our wedding day. So Sweet!

The next Christmas, I was 9 months pregnant. I don't even know if I sent out cards. Oh yeah, I did. It had our adorable, new, Golden Retriever puppy, Cooper. So Cute!

The following Christmas of 2003, our beautiful baby boy graced the cover. Sans dog. He was kind of over-shadowed.

Same in Christmas of 2004 & 2005.

Christmas 2006. Matthew and our Cooper. What could be cuter than a boy and his dog?

Well, except for maybe a couple of boys' and maybe a girl and their dog, but I digress.

Anyway, I'm preparing for this years card. I've been going back and forth as to whether or not to include one of those "our year in review" letters. Ok, not really. I hope not to offend anyone, but I really don't care for most of these letters. You know the one's I'm talking about... the "we're the perfect family, so there! In your face" letters.

Well, I've decided to draft a pseudo-letter for our family, for this very fine year, 2007.

Dear Friends and Family,
We hope this letter finds you all in good health & spirits. 2007 was a bang-up year for our family.

The year started off wonderful. I turned 30 on January 17th. I was ovulating, and spent the morning at my RE's office having Intra-Uterine Insemination. Then, I got to go to work. A birthday I will never forget.

We had a nice vacation to Florida in April. Had a lot of baby-making sex (or BMS) because I was ovulating. Unfourtunately, we did get knocked-up.

Had our 3rd injectables cycle with intra-uterine insemination in May, right around Mother's Day... ironic, huh? Yeah, that didn't work either.

We traveled all around the Mid-west in the summer. Great times.

We found out we were pregnant in July, on a "off cycle" none-the-less. We were so happy! With every ultra-sound the baby was growing, and it's heartbeat was so strong.

On September 11th, I had a routine OB appointment. I had an ultrasound which revealed that my cervix was dilating. I was 12 weeks pregnant. I stayed that night in the hospital. Matt was 23 hours away in the remote woods of Canada on a fishing trip. I miscarried and had another D & C on September 12th.

We are now trying to decide what the future holds for us. Matt says I'm "moody" a lot. I get frusterated with him because he does not want to do anything aggressive to have another child.

Matthew has 3 imaginarey friends-- Comveigh, Sumveigh, and Freddy. Freddy just showed up a few months ago. They talk, and play, and have a great time. I tend to believe that they're more than imaginary... perhaps his 3 brothers are here to keep him company for a while? You probably think I'm weird now.

Well, there you have it folks! Cheers and Good Tidings to all in 2008!

Most Sincerely,
Matt, Jen, and Matthew

Blood... blood everywhere! Part 2

In case you missed my last bloody incident, please feel free to get caught up.

Only this time, my dear son, thankfully, has had no further blood loss.

This time, it's my cat.

Until recently, I really loved my cat. He even has a cool story as to how we "obtained" him.

DH and I were newly engaged. He lived here in Michigan. I was still living in Chicago. I was out to visit him one weekend. It was in February. We were getting married in September in Chicago, so we were trying to use our time wisely. Every time we were together, we would try to get something wedding related done.

So, on this fateful weekend, we went to our local jeweler to choose our wedding rings.

The jeweler was right near the local mall. We successfully picked out our rings. They said they could size them, and we could pick them up an hour later. "Great", we thought. We went to the mall to kill an hour.

After an hour, we approached the car. There curled up under the car parked next to us was a little black kitten.

"Meow," he said, in a weak, whisper. He was shivering. Afterall, it was February. How he ended up in the mall parking lot, I'll never know. But he must have saw "sucker" written across my forehead. He mustered up enough strength to walk towards me.

"Get in the car!" my compassionate fiance insisted.

"Matt, we can't leave him here! He'll freeze or get run over. Pllleeeaaassee!" I begged.

He agreed (oh, to be engaged again!). But our agreement was we would bring him to the humane society on Monday.

And here we are, 7 years later. He's still with us.

And peeing blood over everything.

I should have suspected something. I took him to the vet probably 18 months ago. He had started 'emptying his bladder' in laundry baskets. If I had dirty clothes in them, he'd piss. If I had clean clothes folded him them, he'd piss. So, I was pissed.

Brought him into the vet... they ran a bunch of tests... they were all inconclusive... and I paid like $300 to be told it was "behavioral."

Kind of sounds like a trip to the RE!

Anyway, this laundry basket thing was off and on. He'd stop doing it for months, and then it would start again.

But the other night it happened in my son's bed! I was furious!!!

I mean, you could do it anywhere else, but on my baby's, my ONLY child's, my precious miracle's bed, this is where you choose to urinate? Oh, it was on!!

My husband declared that it was time to get rid of him. I could never do that. He's a really nice cat. Very social. He's almost dog-like.

Now, my son has discovered how fun it is to chase the cat. This the cat does not enjoy. So, I was thinking once again, behavioral. The cat was so fed up with my son chasing him, that he showed him who's boss. So, if I could get my son to stop chasing him, the cat would stop seeking revenge. Logical, right?

Until wonderful DH went up to bed tonight. I hear, "For the love of God and all things holy!.. there's blood all over the comforter!"

Not words anyone wants to hear.

My dear, sweet cat urinated blood on 1) our comforter 2) my son's comforter 3) our love seat

This is just what I've found.

So, I've steamed cleaned our love seat, and have began to wash 2 down comforters. DH is in bed. Please see Wednesday's post... yes, I did write that. In about 2 minutes. Isn't it funny that when your so inspired, the words just come to you? Yeah, I was inspired.

The poor thing. Now I have to break it to DH that he has to take him to the vet tomorrow. He's gonna love that one!

Hope you enjoyed my post about my cat's pee.

Ode to My Husband

On this, the Eve of Thanksgiving, I would like to dedicate this poem to my beloved husband, as I finish preparing our Thanksgiving dinner, as I am going to work tomorrow (and working a double on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday). I love you honey!

If I Had a Penis

If I had a penis
Life would be just great.
I would have a wife to serve me,
While I just sit and wait.

If I had a penis
How happy I would be
As I sit and watch T.V. all day
While she works, cooks, and cleans.

If I had a penis
I could just ignore the mess,
And remind her that she missed a spot
As she handles all the stress.

If I had a penis
I could give opinions and "how to's"
All while sitting on the couch
In between a snooze.

If I had a penis
How blind I would certainly be.
I could just miss the pot
And she'll clean up my pee.

If I had a penis
I'd be king of my house
And my wife would take care of me
'Cause I can't do it myself.

My Soap-Box

It must be getting to be that time of the month again. I haven't been paying too close attention to my cycles, as we are not activley ttc at this time.

I can tell you, however, that I think I'm in full blown PMS mode.

Why, you might ask? Because I've had my soap-box out for most of the weekend. I was at work, and there was nothing I kept quiet about. We had heated debates regarding politics, religion, sex, and many other taboo topics. That's what happens on a slow weekend when a bunch of nurses are working together. And being that most nurses are women, it makes for interesting conversation.

I won't bore or offend you on my views on politics or religion today. You certainly need no further details on my sex life. But there is one thing I can't let go of. I can't remain quiet. I'm pretty pissed off.

Christmas lights before Thanksgiving.

I'm not exargerrating when I say it pisses me off. I'm not a little upset over it, or slightly annoyed... I'm pissed.

What ticks me off is that when I'm eating my turkey and stuffing, surrounded by my Thanksgiving decor, I have to look out at my neighborhood all lit up as if I was eating Christmas dinner.

Perhaps I'm overly sensitive. Perhaps I'm just bitchy. This could all be true. But come on people, doesn't "Christmas" seem to get earlier every year?

And to my neighbor who every year for the past 5 years has almost made me go into cardiac arrest... do you really have to put up your Christmas decorations THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN????? Don't you agree that this is a bit premature?

Now, I think I get the rationale. We live in the Mid-West. It gets frickin' cold around here in November, so I can see putting them up on an unseasonably warm day. Fine, put the lights in the bushes and on the tress. But do we seriously need to adorn our porches with evergreen boughs, and are front doors with our Christmas wreaths, all before Thanksgiving? Is it really necessary to turn the lights on before Thanksgiving?

If this is the new standard, I think we should rename Thanksgiving, and incorporate it officially in the Christmas season.

Thanks for listening.

The RE appointment

I had been dreading it.

But it went OK. I'm glad it's over and done with. But now, another huge can of worms has been opened.

I hate worms.

He offered his condolonsces. I thanked him. I didn't cry... my eyes welled up, but no ugly cry.

He offered some interesting options. He feels this miscarriage was probably not a chromosomal thingy since a) all 3 babies cytogenetic reports came back normal b)this last baby was old enough to have an autopsy done (bizarre); the autopsy was normal c) DH and my karotype is normal d) we have our son. So given the above, probably not chromosomal.

Could be clotting, could be autoimmune. I was on baby aspirin with this pregnancy... I wonder if that's why I made it all the way to 12 weeks this time?

So, he's offered to start me on Lovenox (low molecular weight heparin), baby aspirin, an Prednisone with our next pregnancy. That's as "deep" as he can go. He said if I want further clotting/autoimmune testing and/or treatment, it's basically out of his league, but he could refer me to a doctor in Chicago who specializes in recurrent pregnancy loss.

As far as getting pregnant, he offered a) gonadotropins with Lupron/Ganirelix/HCG/IUI b) Femara w/ HCG and IUI.

You know, I was so excited when I got my last BFP... of course I was thrilled because we were gonna have a baby, but I was also thrilled to get the hell off the infertility roller-coaster.

Now I have to decide if I want to get back on.

Ooops, she did it again...

Have I mentioned I love my sister? You know, the one with the 7 week old baby.

Cause I really, really do.

But, she's killin' me! Focus... she means well... focus.

Ok, here's what she did this time. I started this little webstore to raise funds for whatever the future holds for us- i.e. IVF vs. adoption. Either one costs a pretty penny, as we all know. I have really just started to "announce" that a) I have a webstore and that b)the goal was to fund raise for future IVF/adoption.

Sure I mentioned it to you, my stranger friends. Even to some co-workers. But not so much to my family. It's strange how it's easier for me to share personal, intimate, details of my life such as infertility and loss with non-family. I don't know why, it just is.

Alas, I have been coming out of my shell. Slowly but surely, I'm ready to start the crusade of bringing another child into our family. So, what better opportunity to mention my webstore and show off my products than to give them away as baby gifts? So, I gave a gift basket to my sister. My sister is not known for her couth... she tells you what she's thinking. No candy coating whatsoever. So, I was half expecting a "Gee, thanks for the homemade gifts... is money really that tight for you guys?" But, to my surprise, she genuinely liked the gifts. She even wants me to make some custom headbands for her girls' Christmas dresses.

All of this is great. However, she took the liberty of emailing everyone in her address book (I stopped counting after 120), and told them about how wonderful the gifts are, and that they need to check out my website to help us raise money.

This is problematic because a) I've been taking my time with the webstore... slowly adding content at my leisure. So, up until a few hours ago, there wasn't a whole lot there. I've added as much as I can for the moment, but nothing like working under pressure! b) Now everyone in her address book knows about her poor, infertile sister c) A lot of people in her address book are also in my address book, meaning they're family... so now it appears as if poor, infertile Jen is begging for money (which I kind of am, but now everyone knows it!)

So, mark your calendars folks... November 13, 2007... my official launch date. Only, I wasn't aware of it.

See, she means well. There is a part of me that is touched that she would go to this much trouble. I know she loves me. So, I'm just going to focus on that. Not to mention, it got me to get of my arse, and got me going. Hey, you never know, maybe I will earn a little extra cash from her mass mailing.

And I'll have her to thank for my little babushka.

Oh, and the subtle links, not so subtle, I know!

I did it

I'm back in Michigan. It's always nice to visit my family, but it is oh-so-nice to come home. It's weird. The longer we're here in Michigan (it was 6 years for me in September), the deeper the roots get. I have a great job, which could have a lot of opportunities for me in the future. I have more friends here in Michigan than I do in Illinois... partially because I've lost touch with people over time, and some have also moved a few hours or more from the nest. We're in a great school district here. And to top everything off, we couldn't sell our house if our lives depended on it. I'm glad that we're happy here and that it does feel more and more like home.

Well, I took the leap... I made an appointment with my RE. Thursday at 11 am. I'm terrified. I couldn't even schedule the appointment without bursting into tears, how in the hell am I going to make it through the entire appointment? I only scheduled a half hour consultation. Perhaps I should have scheduled a few hours to account for the hysterics.

In other news, I have been granted a high distinction--

Jenna has created this flame, and has requested that we "take one line (and it can be a short line in a small font if you're uncomfortable about this) to honor yourself for this battle that you've waged over the years, months, or even just the last few weeks of a cycle. I want you to appreciate yourself with a special Blogger Flame of Fortitude. "

I have to admit, I am having some degree of difficulty with this request.

Now granted, the last 4 years of secondary infertility and 3 miscarriages has been no walk in the park. It sucks. It's hard. I wish it wasn't like this.

But, I have a child.

My worst case scenario is I'm a mommy of one (with 3 angels in Heaven, of course.)

I know many women in real life and in the blogosphere who would gnaw off their arm for just one child.

I feel whiny. I feel ungrateful.

DH and I were having another "talk" last night (thus, why I made the RE appointment today). I expressed I feel like that if we don't have another child (either biologically or through adoption), I will always feel a hole in my heart. It's there. I can't help it. I wish it could just go away.

DH doesn't feel the same way. He thinks that we are "so blessed" to have our son, and that if he's our only child, then fine. If we happen to have another child, great. But he feels fulfilled with one.

Of course we are blessed to have our son. I look at him and can truly see the miracle.

But, I digress. I have been through hell. Infertility is awful. It wreaks havoc. It has effected my mind, body, and spirit. It has effected my marriage. It has effected our finances. There is nothing that it hasn't touched.

So, I do honor myself today. I am proud that I am still standing after the hardest battle of my life. I am proud that I infertility has helped me grow spiritually. I am proud that although I've been in dark valleys, somehow I always climb out.

If you are reading this, I do hope that you will honor yourself today.

Time for a group hug.

Greetings from Chicago

I'm back in my home town this weekend. Yea!! It's so nice to come home sometimes.

I decided this would be a good weekend to visit, as I won't be coming home over Thanksgiving. Or, at least I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving. Why you might ask? Because I'll be working a single shift on Thanksgiving day, a double shift on Friday-Sunday. It's gonna kick my ass.

What I wouldn't do for a baby! Hopefully, the extra money I earn will help a little.

Speaking of baby, I saw my new niece yesterday. She's 7 weeks old. I felt really prepared to hold a new baby. I felt enough time had passed since this miscarriage that it wouldn't hurt that bad.

I was wrong.

It was all I could do to fight back the tears. I didn't cry (thank God), but it was hard. No crazy impulses to kidnap the baby (I hope you all know I'm kidding when I mention that... but sometimes I wonder if I am a little unstable!). It was difficult holding something that I should have in March... a few short months from now.

I know I need to get over it. I wish I could. Holding this precious new baby made me realize how badly I do want another child. It is worth the struggle and the hardship. But am I strong enough? Am I strong enough to try an IVF cycle... hope I get pregnant... and then hope I don't have a miscarriage.? Am I strong enough to ride the roller-coaster of adoption?

God, I hope so.

WARNING!!

If you are easily offended, then DO NOT click below...

And as a secondary warning, this should not be viewed in front of children, and probably not at work (nudity, not vulgar!)

http://users.skynet.be/pdauwe/ursula_martinez.wmv

This could be 5 years old, and I just received it for all I know! My friend is always good for e-mailing me funny and, well, interesting things!

I just don't get it.

For once, I'm not blogging about how I "don't get" why I've had 3 miscarriages, or why it's so hard for us to conceive. No, I'm not going to blog about how I "don't get" why my co-workers 19 year old daughter has a 1 year old baby-- and that the daughter is now incarcerated on 2 felony counts--and the future of the baby is now in limbo. No, no, no, I'm not going to blog about that today.

What I really "don't get" is Day-Light Savings Time.

A man must have come up with this one... actually, according to Google, it was Benjamin Franklin.

My son's sleep cycle gets totally whacked for about 2 weeks. He's cranky at night because he's going to bed an hour "later," but still manages to get up at what would have been 8 am 3 days ago, but now it's 7 am.

My dog is messed up, too. He normally gets me up (if I'm not already up) at 7:30 to go outside. This morning it was 6:30. Mommy was not too happy!

As I mentioned, I Googled the topic. It seems as though the theories are that it conserves energy, gives us an extra hour of sunlight in Summer, and in these dark, cold months, lets us wake-up to sunshine.

I can understand the energy conservation. But why don't we just leave well enough alone. Let's set our clocks ahead in the spring, and then just let it be!

The world would be run much different, if I were in charge!

It was a long weekend at work.

A rather eclectic post

So, it's the day after Halloween. M. J. got his first fever from the viral thingy on Sunday. I have felt like crap since Tuesday, and DH says is throat is now "scratchy." Thank God I'm working this weekend!

M.J. and I went to K*hls today. They had these cute Halloween houses-


Of course, I had to have them. So much for saving money for adoption/fertility treatments! To my credit, I did wait until the day after Halloween, so they were 70% off. Quite the bargain shopper. Now, I think there's one more in the 'collection.' I will be scouring the tri-county area this weekend in my travels trying to find the missing house. Aaaaah, priorities!

Just a quick mention on the "Kid Quest" front... DH says that he would like to get our finances in "better order" before pursuing ANYTHING. He says he doesn't even want to talk about anything until we've paid some stuff off, and saved a good portion of money. I'm all for getting things in order, but why can't we talk about things? At the rate we're going (i.e.- the Halloween houses) it will be a couple of years before we even begin discussing things. He says he doesn't want to get my hopes up. Whatever.

In other news, we had a busy couple of days. Even though we were all under the weather, we still managed to do our rituals.

That's our little alien (from Toy Story) next to a prop at a cool Halloween place here in MI. And for those of you with a 4-5 year old kid in your life, you might recognize this...

An attempt at a "Wow, Wow Wubbzy" Jack-O-Lantern, per M.J.'s request. I did say 'an attempt'.

And finally...

Thank you God, for my beautiful little boy (that's me with him, by the way).