I did it

I'm back in Michigan. It's always nice to visit my family, but it is oh-so-nice to come home. It's weird. The longer we're here in Michigan (it was 6 years for me in September), the deeper the roots get. I have a great job, which could have a lot of opportunities for me in the future. I have more friends here in Michigan than I do in Illinois... partially because I've lost touch with people over time, and some have also moved a few hours or more from the nest. We're in a great school district here. And to top everything off, we couldn't sell our house if our lives depended on it. I'm glad that we're happy here and that it does feel more and more like home.

Well, I took the leap... I made an appointment with my RE. Thursday at 11 am. I'm terrified. I couldn't even schedule the appointment without bursting into tears, how in the hell am I going to make it through the entire appointment? I only scheduled a half hour consultation. Perhaps I should have scheduled a few hours to account for the hysterics.

In other news, I have been granted a high distinction--

Jenna has created this flame, and has requested that we "take one line (and it can be a short line in a small font if you're uncomfortable about this) to honor yourself for this battle that you've waged over the years, months, or even just the last few weeks of a cycle. I want you to appreciate yourself with a special Blogger Flame of Fortitude. "

I have to admit, I am having some degree of difficulty with this request.

Now granted, the last 4 years of secondary infertility and 3 miscarriages has been no walk in the park. It sucks. It's hard. I wish it wasn't like this.

But, I have a child.

My worst case scenario is I'm a mommy of one (with 3 angels in Heaven, of course.)

I know many women in real life and in the blogosphere who would gnaw off their arm for just one child.

I feel whiny. I feel ungrateful.

DH and I were having another "talk" last night (thus, why I made the RE appointment today). I expressed I feel like that if we don't have another child (either biologically or through adoption), I will always feel a hole in my heart. It's there. I can't help it. I wish it could just go away.

DH doesn't feel the same way. He thinks that we are "so blessed" to have our son, and that if he's our only child, then fine. If we happen to have another child, great. But he feels fulfilled with one.

Of course we are blessed to have our son. I look at him and can truly see the miracle.

But, I digress. I have been through hell. Infertility is awful. It wreaks havoc. It has effected my mind, body, and spirit. It has effected my marriage. It has effected our finances. There is nothing that it hasn't touched.

So, I do honor myself today. I am proud that I am still standing after the hardest battle of my life. I am proud that I infertility has helped me grow spiritually. I am proud that although I've been in dark valleys, somehow I always climb out.

If you are reading this, I do hope that you will honor yourself today.

Time for a group hug.