Sloppy Drunk

So much has happened since... May?!?!? Where has the time gone?

For one thing, in early July, we found out we were pregnant. On our own. No drugs or inseminations were needed. We had sex, I got pregnant, the way it suppose to happen.

I won't elaborate too much, as it is now September, and I am no longer pregnant. I miscarried this little one just over a week ago. I was 12 weeks along. I'm heart-broken. Sick. Come March, I won't have a baby... again.

Not only am I grieving this loss, but I'm grieving the idea that I probably will never have another baby. Ever. No doctor can give me an answer as to why this keeps happening... it takes over a year plus to get pregnant, and have had 3 consecutive miscarriages at 9 1/2, 8, and 12 weeks. We saw the heart beating on ultrasound with all 3 babies. "Less than 5% chance of miscarriage now" my ass.

So, I've been wallowing in self-pity for a little over a week now. And rightfully so I might add. And the inevitable happens... my sister has her baby 3 weeks early. I've been trying to prepare for the babies arrival, but I thought I had a few more weeks.

My sister and I have a unique relationship. I love her. I do. But we're not really that close. There's 6 years between us, and we are half sisters. Although that's really irrelevant, as she lived with us full time growing up. We're just different. If we weren't sisters, I don't think she and I would be "friends."

Now, I know she has probably been busy nesting and such, but never once did I receive a phone call, card, e-mail, NOTHING stating "I'm sorry to hear about your loss." Now to her credit, I had kept this pregnancy pretty quiet, but I know my siblings are aware of the miscarriage (my brother left me a "I'm sorry" message... thank God for brothers!).

I received the phone call from my Mom on Tuesday morning, stating the baby had been born Monday night. Great, now what do I do?

I guess I expected my sister to call me sometime on Tuesday to tell me the details, but that never happened. It didn't happen on Wednesday either. So last night (Wed.), I'm thinking what a horrible person I am for not calling and offering my "Congrats."

So, I sucked it up. Became the "better person." I called the hospital and asked for her room. It literally was a two minute conversation. I couldn't stomach anything longer. I had recited the conversation, and had decided that if she tried to turn the conversation to a "I'm sorry" tone, I would quickly state, "thank you, but I don't want to talk about me right now..."

But, the "I'm sorry" part of the conversation never happened.

Is it wrong to have been expecting it? I mean, she just had a baby for God's sake.

Instead, she told be the baby's middle name will be "Grace." The middle name I have been reserving for my baby for the past 4 years.

And thus, I got sloppy drunk last night. Not intentionally. At least I don't think so. Three (very large) glasses of wine, and it just happened. I have to say, I felt better. Now, not so much, but in the moment last light, I was oblivious to all emotion. Good or bad? I'm not sure.