Friday, October 19, 2007

Amazing Grace

Had to work today. I must say, I'm so fortunate to have a job that's so interesting. As a Hospice nurse, the work is often very intense. I learn a lot. Not just about medicine, or how a disease process makes people's bodies ultimately shut down, fail, and die. I learn a lot about human will and human spirit. My work often strengthens my faith in God, even during times where I'm amidst a really shitty situation. You know, the times when something awful is happening to someone with such a beautiful spirit, or to a family who is so loving, so wonderful, and doesn't deserve to watch their loved one die.

I had an instance like that today. I should be charting about this instance as I type, but have decided to reflect on it now (or procrastinate, however you want to look at it!).

Mr. C. is (or was... I'm not sure where he is at the moment... this life or the next...) 88 years old. He has/had 3 adult children, several grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He is/was a Reverend. By all accounts, it looks as if he's lived a full, productive, good life. The poor man has/had a rough year... been in and out of the hospital for months now, for various reasons. When I met him, he was basically unresponsive, on a ventilator, and his body is failing. His doctor recommended Hospice. That's where I come in.

I spoke with the family that Hospice is allowing the body to go through the dying process, without any intervention, except those that are meant to keep him comfortable. I explain that it is a natural part of the dying process for people to lose there ability to swallow, and therefore, they are unable to eat or drink. A lot of people actually die of dehydration. This is natural... the body releases endorphins as this is occurring, allowing for natural pain relief. Of course, we top this off with a touch of Morphine, just to be on the safe side.

The patient's son, who is also a Reverend, kept stating that he believed that God would answer the family's prayers by delivering them a miracle... that Mr. C. would wake up and eat, drink, converse, etc. The rest of the family was clinging to his words, agreeing that God could give them this miracle.

I believe in miracle's. I do. But, in all my years as a Hospice nurse, guess how many "Lazarus miracles" I've seen. I'm talking about the patient is clearly dying, and suddenly the dying process stops, and the person is cured.

That would be Zero.

I mean no disrespect. I know that God has the power and certainly could intervene in this manner if He wanted too. I have witnessed "small" miracles before... once I had a patient that had been in a coma for a week, and he woke up to say last good-byes, even give last kisses... that's what I would consider a "small miracle." Sweet miracles, but not grandiose.

Mr. C.'s son kept going on, about this miracle that he was expecting. I had to say something.

With the utmost respect, I asked if he wanted God's will for his father's life. He responded, "Yes, of course." I asked, "What if God's answer to your request is 'No', and that it is time for your father to come home to Him."

He seemed to get it. I encouraged the family to cling to the "small miracles"... the hand squeezing, the stares into each other's eyes, the love in the room.

With this, the whole family started to sing "Amazing Grace." One of the most beautiful moments I have ever witnessed.

The patients Oxygen level started to drop, indicating that his body was further failing. That's why I don't know if he's still here or now in Heaven.

It does make wonder... why it's relatively easy for me accept "God's will" for strangers? Was it God's will for 3 of my babies to die? Is it God's will for us to have infertility? Is it God's will for us to adopt?

I don't have answers to all these questions. I do know that today was the first time in a long time I felt God's peace. And at peace with God.

"God's will" is somewhat subjective, don't you think? Even still, more calm tonight.

Thanks Mr. C., wherever you are.

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