I'm so embarrassed.
I went to a birthday party yesterday, and ended up crying. Crying about my infertility and my miscarriages. At a birthday party. Pathetic.
It wasn't my fault. One of the guests, whose kind of an acquaintance/borderline friend-of-a-friend, started the whole "I'm so sorry..." and then when my eyes started welling-up the "Oh shit... I'm soo sorry" look.
Thank God I managed to avoid completely going into ugly cry mode, but it was a close one. She seemed sincere, and genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say. She didn't awkwardly run away. She sat, and listened. She asked a few questions, like "Why does this keep happenening?" and "What options do you have now?" It was nice. Kind of an impromptu therapy session. Which would have been fine, had it not occurred at a 1 year old's birthday party.
I also received an e-mail with a picture of my new niece today. The niece that was born 5 days after I lost this baby. The niece that was born 3 weeks early, as if just to spite me. So, she's going on almost 6 weeks old, and no one had felt comfortable enough to e-mail me a picture? Do I come across that fragile? Now, granted, I had not requested a picture. Partially because I am jealous/envious/bitter/angry/etc., and I just couldn't. I couldn't look. I couldn't look at what I don't have.
So yes, I have issues. I know I have issues. I think I'll continue to have issues. Quite frankly, it's not my fault I have issues.
I am going to visit my sister and the new baby in a few weeks. I think I'll be OK. As in, you won't see me on the evening news in hand-cuffs with the headline, "Psycho sister attempts to kidnap sister's baby." How refreshing! I think I'll do OK holding the baby, and loving my niece. God, I hate how loss/infertility effects how I love my niece... yet another way it's robbed a part of my life.
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I'm sorry. Honestly, after my miscarriages there was nothing that set me off faster than sympathy from others. I would be going along holding things together just fine and someone would say "I'm so sorry" and the waterworks would start. The worst was when my boss told her boss why I took a couple of days off. When I returned, just before a big meeting started (we were all around the table already), he turned to me and said "I heard what happened. That's tough. I'm sorry. We had a couple of miscarriages and I know it was hard." Nice sentiment - wrong time! I had to excuse myself while I went and blubbered in the bathroom. I had to suck it up so everyone would stop with the pity looks and start seeing me as a professional instead of a defective uterus (in my mind).
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