Pirates & Monster Trucks

Matthew's birthday celebrations have been a hit so far! The pirate cupcakes went over well at school:





We made our way to Indy to see his beloved Monster Trucks...

Matthew & a favorite fellow Michigander, Jim Koehler aka "Mr. Excitement."

Matthew and his ABSOLUTE FAVORITE driver, Tom Meents!
I thought he was going to pee his pants he was so excited!

It was so neat to see him so excited!
Now, I was trying to take pictures of the type of folk that come out for a Monster Truck Rally. Fearing for my life, I could only get a few. Let's just say I've never seen more mullets and "tails" in my life! Perhaps the most interesting person I saw there was her:

Who knew?!?

Where Has the Time Gone!?!

Happy 5th birthday, Matthew!

(I was hoping to add some cute newborn photos, but the digital images are on our old hard-drive, and, alas, our scanner is not compatible with Vista... thus, no pictures.)

I cannot express how much you mean to me. You have changed my life in more ways than I can count. I have loved every minute of being your mommy. I can't believe that 5 years ago today, I first held you in my arms. Thank you for all you have given me.

(And to prove my love for this child, tomorrow we are hauling our butts to Indianapolis, IN to see his beloved Monster Trucks... that's right... Monster Trucks. Sure, they were in Detroit, a mere hour from my home a week ago. Sure, Indy is a 4 1/2-hour drive. But his FAVORITE truck/driver wasn't at the Detroit "show," and the closest he's getting to Michigan is Indy. Be sure, pictures to follow!)

Man I love this kid!

Think Before You Speak

If there is one thing infertility has taught me, it is to think before I speak.

For example, my friend who recently found out she was pregnant, has had some intermittent spotting. She knows, as do I, that it could be "nothing", or it could be "something."

I think the old Jen, meaning the fertile Jen, would have conjured up such wise words such as, "Everything is going to be fine," or the "If it's meant to be, it will be."

Now the less-fertile but wiser Jen really doesn't say to much to my friend in way of advice. I just let her talk... and tell her that I'll be there for her every step of the way.

See, I've learned... think before you speak.

The reason I bring this all up is I had an awful experience the other day. You see, my dear son turns 5 in a few short days. I can't believe that he's that old! It's gone by so quickly, and everyday he gets bigger, and smarter, and, well, less dependent on me. All of this is bitter sweet. I love to see the person he is turning into, but at the same time, it is hard to see him getting so big!

So, my friend and I have been looking for an excuse to get together. I've been getting everything ready for all of Matthew's birthday festivities (in 3 different states, mind you!). So, she volunteered to "help," as well just get together.

I was making little "goody" bags, and she was helping me stuff them. I was showing her the rather detailed Pirate cupcakes I'm planning on making for his class(pictures to follow!), as well as the other things I have planned.

To which she replied, "You can tell you only have ONE kid!"

Gee, thanks for noticing! Would you like me to lie down on the floor? Perhaps it would be easier for you to kick me if I get down for you?

Of all the idiotic things to say!

Now, I know what she meant. It appears as if I have to much time on my hands. I have always had the tendency to over-do things... to take on more than what is needed. But the truth of the matter is, if I had 10 kids, I think I would do the same for all 10, because that's just what I do. I like to think I'm kind of a "Martha Stewart" type, minus that whole insider trading thing. I love home-making and being crafty, and all of that stuff. I was like this before I got married and before I had Matthew. Having a kid is like hitting the jack-pot when you're crafty, because there are so many opportunities to create things alone, and with the child.

Now, this friend knows what we've been through. I know she didn't mean to be cruel.

I wish I could have come up with something witty after the remark was said such as,"Yeah, in between working out of the home part-time, crunching numbers to see if we can afford fertility treatments and/or adoption, doing house-work, researching infertility treatments and adoption, and, oh yeah, taking care of my ONE kid, I like to be crafty."

But I didn't. I kind of tried to ignore what was said, and move on.

Just move on.

Faith

"It doesn't have to make sense, that's why it's called faith."

I still love this show!

I've been watching it from the beginning... and think it is very true to life.

Goosebumps.

Let me start this post by celebrating myself.

Today I'm 31 years old.

My dad always tells me the story of my birth, or rather impending birth on January 17th. I arrived about 3 weeks early. It was -26 degrees in Chicago. The car wouldn't start. So they used a neighbors VW bug to get my mom to the hospital. It was about a 30 minute car ride. My mom was scraping frost from the inside of the windshield... and through this comedy of errors, they decided on my name.

Jennifer Lynn.

How original for a girl born in the '70's! Good job Mom & Dad!

We had dinner and cake. It's been a nice day, very relaxing.

I have spent the last half-hour or so surfing the net, one of my favorite past-times. And one of my guilty pleasures is Perez. Yup, I admit it. I love good smut.

It's usually good for a good laugh. But tonight, I saw this, and it literally sent a chill down my spine.

I don't even know who this woman is. Honestly. The only reason I know of her is from what Perez "reports" of her. But any news of another's miscarriage makes me want to cry. Because I know the pain she's going through right now. I can't imagine announcing to the whole world that you're pregnant, and then having to announce to the whole world that now you're not.

My heart goes out to you Lily... who-ever and where-ever you are.

Decision 2008

The Michigan primary was held yesterday. I am a transplant here in the Great Lakes state. I must say I have yet to understand the politics here.

Just as the nation has to come to some sort of a decision in 2008 in regards to electing a new president, I feel as if my husband and I must to come to a decision in regards to our future as well.

I think I've expressed this before, but I'm getting tired of this journey. We desperately want another child. And if the past 4 years hasn't proven that this is no easy task, I know that our upcoming decisions will.

The way I see it, we have 3 choices.

#1) Pursue more fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to start (start meaning since my September miscarriage)Femara with IUI and see if that works (although I've failed 6 rounds of Clomid with 2 IUIs). He then offered to do more Gonadotropins with IUI (again, did 3 rounds already... two with IUI, and one cancelled due to over-stimulation). Of course, he says I can do IVF if I want to. Honestly, I can't see my self jumping through all these hoops again. I think if we decide to do more treatments, I just assume go straight to IVF. Which is fine. But I know all to well that it doesn't guarantee I would get pregnant. And if I got lucky and got pregnant... well, that doesn't mean I'll have a baby.

#2) We adopt. Sounds easy enough. We would need to decide what type of adoption to pursue. International sounds good... but, are there any stable programs at the moment? Not to mention the hefty price tag.

Domestic. I'm not sure I like the idea of relying on someone to choose my fate. I guess it's a control thing.

Foster-adopt. So much to consider. I must say, I've been really looking into this one. It seems like a win-win. I know that any child that is in the foster-care system is there for a reason. And with those reason's comes "issues." Complicating this is that I have an almost 5-year old son. I feel pretty strongly about preserving birth-order. We would all have to work with and through whatever "issues" we face as a family. Which could be too much for a 5-year old to handle.

#3) We leave well enough alone. We are blessed beyond belief with one happy, healthy child. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get lucky in the future. Problem being is that my eggs aren't getting any younger (I'll be 31 TOMORROW, I know I'm not "old," but I certainly am not getting any younger!). DH will be 40 this year. I really don't like this option.

So there is my brief synopsis of the thoughts that haunt me on a daily (and nightly)basis.

We will have a decision by year's end. We just have to.

All is well...

So, I guess I over-reacted with the whole dog thing.

The lump was just a benign fatty lumpy thing.

Although, when I brought him to the vet, she palpated the mass and stated, "well Golden's are prone to lipoma's (benign fatty things) and to sarcoma's, it could be either."

Thanks for scaring the shit out of me so I'd pay for a biopsy.

Nevertheless, $89 later, we have a healthy pup.

In other news, I wore make-up and Spanx to work today. I received many complements. Ringing product endorsement... Thank you Spanx, a true miracle to women everywhere!

Alright, back to work!

Worry

It's 12 am and I'm blogging.

Insomnia tends to be a reoccurring theme in my life right now.

Now, don't laugh... but tonight I'm not up because I'm pondering infertility treatments, or trying to punch numbers to figure out how we could afford treatments and/or adoption.

No, tonight I worry for my dog.

I noticed a lump on his chest while I was petting him today. A pretty large, solid type lump. I've never noticed it before, but it's kind of in a weird spot.

Cooper (my dog), celebrated his 6th birthday this past Sunday. Matthew (DS) had so much fun making plans for his dog's special day. I made a grooming appointment in the afternoon so that he could get a much needed bath, grooming, and nail trim. More a present for us then him! Matthew and I dropped him off, and wandered the pet store. He took a good 20 minutes finding Cooper a special toy. He ended up picking a clearenced candy cane shaped rawhide bone. Works for me!

We then headed to the fabric store. I had this idea to make Cooper a bandanna for his collar. We bought Green Bay Packer fabric for one side of the bandanna (DH and DS are Packer fans... sick, I know!), and Chicago Bear fabric for the other side (I'm a Bears fan... sad, I know!). Anyway, I whipped up a reversible bandanna that slides onto his collar. Yes, I can be quite crafty! Matthew got such a kick out of giving Cooper his presents... and playfully arguing with me over which side of the bandanna should be exposed!

Today, I noticed the lump. Upon the discovery, I felt that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. Then, I thought, lots of dogs get lumps that end up being nothing. When DH got home from work, I had him feel it. I thought he'd down-play it, and tell me it's probably nothing... all to avoid a costly trip to the vet. But, he surprised me by saying I need to get him in asap.

I know all this worry could be for nothing. I certainly hope so.

When something bad like this happens, the reality of how much you love the damn thing surfaces.

I feel bad that he's such a good dog, and I find him to be such a pest.

I feel bad that I don't give him the attention he deserves.

Mostly though, he is an awesome companion to my son, and the thought of losing him makes me physically ill. There is a tremendous guilt I have that I cannot give my son a sibling. Now, I'm not comparing my dog to a child, but he has brought me comfort knowing that he has brought a certain kind of companionship with my son. They're great friends. They play "tag" in the back yard. Cooper chases Matthew's sled down the hill. They even "fight" like siblings sometimes! I cannot even fathom how I would begin to tell my little boy the news if this does indeed turn out to be something bad. The mere thought of it breaks my heart.

I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself. But, that's what I do.

A Random Haiku

Toilet paper roll.
You see the shiny holder?
Apparently not.

Twins...

It's confirmed... my friend is pregnant with twins!

She's says she's really not even excited. She wants to be... but she just can't.

I totally get it.

Add a little bit of spotting to the mix, and you have one anxious momma-to-be.

Dear God, please bless my friend with these babies. She needs them. And I need them, too... I think we could all use a little hope these days.

Just Too Risky

Happy '08... it's just gotta be great! That's my new thinking.

So I got my period on New Year's Day. Happy New Year to me. It was fine. I mean, come on... after TTC for 4 years, you get use to disappointment. But, I did have a sliver of hope. A tiny, tiny sliver.

Things just have to get better, right? I mean, I am really happy with most aspects of my life. It's just on the fertility front, not so much.

All I can think about is "the next step." It haunts me. I wake in the middle of the night, and it comes to the forefront of my mind.

It plagues me. My husband just got a new job. Should we keep my insurance that offers some IF coverage? Or do we switch to the new insurance? I just love Human Resources' Benefit explanations... I think they purposely try to confuse you so you don't dare try to seek IF treatment. Can someone tell me what the hell this means?:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Infertility care:
Note: Fertility Drugs are subject to a total covered charge of $5,000 per person per Calendar Year.

In-Network: $25 co-pay per visit, then paid at 100% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs

Out-of-Network: 50% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

WTF?

Well, I suppose I could call HR and ask, but in my experience, the average person sitting behind a desk in HR doesn't know specifics regarding IF/IVF coverage.

And there was nothing regarding adoption assistance in this packet of information. It just covered Health & Dental insurance. I just wanted an answer. I guess what's a little more waiting?

Since AF made an appearance, I was looking into IVF shared risk programs. Apparently, I do not qualify for most of these programs anymore since we hit miscarriage #3. I done gone and f'd that up, too. Just too big of a risk. Great. If it's too big of a gamble for these companies, maybe it's too big of a gamble for us? I don't know.

So where does this leave us? We have no idea if DH's new job will cover IUI or IVF. I don't qualify for a shared risk program. And we have no idea as to whether or not is new company offers any type of adoption assistance.

I'm tired.