Worry

It's 12 am and I'm blogging.

Insomnia tends to be a reoccurring theme in my life right now.

Now, don't laugh... but tonight I'm not up because I'm pondering infertility treatments, or trying to punch numbers to figure out how we could afford treatments and/or adoption.

No, tonight I worry for my dog.

I noticed a lump on his chest while I was petting him today. A pretty large, solid type lump. I've never noticed it before, but it's kind of in a weird spot.

Cooper (my dog), celebrated his 6th birthday this past Sunday. Matthew (DS) had so much fun making plans for his dog's special day. I made a grooming appointment in the afternoon so that he could get a much needed bath, grooming, and nail trim. More a present for us then him! Matthew and I dropped him off, and wandered the pet store. He took a good 20 minutes finding Cooper a special toy. He ended up picking a clearenced candy cane shaped rawhide bone. Works for me!

We then headed to the fabric store. I had this idea to make Cooper a bandanna for his collar. We bought Green Bay Packer fabric for one side of the bandanna (DH and DS are Packer fans... sick, I know!), and Chicago Bear fabric for the other side (I'm a Bears fan... sad, I know!). Anyway, I whipped up a reversible bandanna that slides onto his collar. Yes, I can be quite crafty! Matthew got such a kick out of giving Cooper his presents... and playfully arguing with me over which side of the bandanna should be exposed!

Today, I noticed the lump. Upon the discovery, I felt that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. Then, I thought, lots of dogs get lumps that end up being nothing. When DH got home from work, I had him feel it. I thought he'd down-play it, and tell me it's probably nothing... all to avoid a costly trip to the vet. But, he surprised me by saying I need to get him in asap.

I know all this worry could be for nothing. I certainly hope so.

When something bad like this happens, the reality of how much you love the damn thing surfaces.

I feel bad that he's such a good dog, and I find him to be such a pest.

I feel bad that I don't give him the attention he deserves.

Mostly though, he is an awesome companion to my son, and the thought of losing him makes me physically ill. There is a tremendous guilt I have that I cannot give my son a sibling. Now, I'm not comparing my dog to a child, but he has brought me comfort knowing that he has brought a certain kind of companionship with my son. They're great friends. They play "tag" in the back yard. Cooper chases Matthew's sled down the hill. They even "fight" like siblings sometimes! I cannot even fathom how I would begin to tell my little boy the news if this does indeed turn out to be something bad. The mere thought of it breaks my heart.

I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself. But, that's what I do.