Dear Body...

Dear Body,
You've been used. You've been abused.

But you know what? You deserve it!

You've hurt me more than I've hurt you. I'm typically not one to hold onto grudges very long. But I cannot forgive you.

Perhaps you cannont forgive me either.

We use to be close. Now, I am willing to take some of the responsibility for us parting ways. Yes, I use to run 5 miles a day. But, things change, you know.

I'm no longer the 20 something college student with hardly a care in the world.

No, I am now 31 year old, I have a kid, a marriage, and a stressful job. It seems you don't take this into consideration. I'm overweight, stressed, and sleep deprived.

You can't say I don't try. I AM TRYING!! I'm trying to reconcile. For the past month, I'm eating high fiber, low fat, and limiting my calories. I'm trying to excercise.

I really hope you start to appreciate my efforts. In addition to the above attempts at reconcilation, I'm also taking supplements to help YOU feel better.

You have never been reliable. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the whole fertility and miscarriage subject. Remember?

See that's the thing... I can't seem to get over that minor detail of my life.

I forgave you after the first miscarriage. I thought it would never happen again.

Then came the infertility, and this is when you started to fail me!

We tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't help me. I went to the doctor. They couldn't help me. I can't say I was ever overly confident of the doctor, but I expected more from you.

I then fell into a depression. I gained weight. I thought you'd show mercy on me. And you did... for 8 1/2 weeks.

A "miracle" pregnancy. Remember that one? I was being prepped to go to the OR. Remember that nice dermoid cyst on my left ovary you created? Yeah, the one with fat and thyroid tissue? Yeah, that was fun. And they did a pregnancy test before surgery and, low and behold, after 2 years of TTC I was pregnant! And the whole pre-op department was cheering, and laughing, and happy for us? I just knew that pregnancy was meant to be!

Only it wasn't.

I've had it! The last straw was this past September. Another "miracle" pregnancy that lasted 12 weeks. The baby was alive hours before I miscarried! What the hell happened? Why was my cervix so thin? Now I can't even trust my cervix?!?

Is it a clotting disorder? Is it immunological? Is it PCOS? You have no answers.

I'm sorry to rehash all of this. I just can't trust you anymore. I suppose you can't trust me either.

But I will try, Body, I will try to respect you more. I am recommiting myself to you. We have to learn to live with each other. I will lose weight, and get more sleep, and excercise more. I'll take my vitamin supplements in hopes that we both gain something.

2008 is still new. Let's both make an effort to rekindle what we once had.

Thanks for Listening,
Jen

Sweet Boy

My dear, sweet son is currently at pre-school. I get to curl up in my favorite recliner with coffee in one hand and lap-top, well, on my lap. It's a nice 2 1/2 hour break.

I had to register him for Kindergarten yesterday. Our district makes you choose between a half day (3 hours) and a whole day (7 hours) program.

Sometimes having choices is not good. I wanted to do what was best for my son.

I consulted my dear friend Google to see what he had to say. It seems as if one study says half day is a better choice, just to have another study come out a month later that says whole day is the way to go.

I consulted my (real-life) friends and family members that are elementary school teachers. Again, no one could tell me that one program was better than the other.

I was advised to do what I think is best for my son, and our family.

So, I chose the half day program.

I would be lying to you if I told you our decision had nothing to do with the fact that I might not have another child, and I want Matthew to stay little for just one more year.

Just one more year.

You Know You're an Infertile When...

Let me preface this post by stating that I worked 42 hours in 3 days. I'm beyond brain dead.

Last Friday I received a company wide e-mail stating that there was someone in the office that found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There was going to be a "contest" to see if anyone could guess who was the lucky mom-to-be.


I was at the office at midnight (don't ask), needless to say I was the only one in the office. I happened to spot the inter-office envelope where people were submitting their guesses. I just had to look!

Might I also add that everyone and their mother's-mother knows my infertility and miscarriage woes. People know that we have been TTC for 4 years.

The funny thing is that NOT ONE SINGLE vote had my name on it as the possible preggo.

Go figure.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I was trying to enjoy eating my diet cereal with fresh berries this morning. All the while dreaming of Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte with a Chocolate Scone (a complete breakfast with a mere 790 calories, come to find out!).

A segment on GMA came up about the African country of Mauritania. The men there like their women plump. I then considered moving to Mauritania. Until I read this, and decided against it.

I guess I'll keep on stuggling through the diet. And it has been a struggle of late!

Distractions

I haven't been blogging of late.

Why?

Because there is really nothing going on in my life right now. I mean, there is the everyday, run-of-the-mill stuff, but that's about it.

Which is fine. But rather boring.

One thing that has happened since I last blogged is that I'm doing "Weight Watchers." In quotes because it's my version of the plan! But today marks the 3 week mark, and I'm 9 pounds lighter! I've also gone back to the gym. I had stopped going around the holidays (not too bright, as I gained 10 pounds from Thanksgiving until 3 weeks ago!), but we were just too busy.

I've been consitently been trying to go now at least 3 times a week, when Matthew is in pre-school. The problem being snow days, snow days, and President's Day. Oh well.

There is news on the TTC/TTP front. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant! But I think we've come up with a new course of action. I refuse to call it a plan anymore, well, because the best laid out plans haven't worked out for us.

But a course of action. First off, I have to get healthy. Not only for reproductive purposes, but I have to do it for my health in general. I refuse to publish how much I weigh. I out right refuse. But, I do feel somewhat comfortable sharing my BMI.

It's a sad truth. 29.

Anything over 30 is considerd "obese." Shit!

I really don't want to be in that catergory. Definately not good for TTC, not good for anything.

So, we are going to TTC on our own with timed intercourse and possibly do the whole Femara/IUI until my BMI is less than or equal to 24.9... or "Normal Weight." A mere 36 pounds to go.

Assuming I will not get pregnant in this time, I will then be at a healthier weight, for myself and for looking more seriously at IVF.

I'm not overly confident I will ever be able to carry another baby to term. But being at a healthier weight may help a little.

Not to mention, it's a good distraction.

Speaking of distractions, I have only been watching American Idol a few times here and there this season. I was browsing People.com (go figure), and came across his picture:


He made it to the final 24 on American Idol. I went to college with this guy! Millikin University is a small school with about 3,000 students, located in the Soy Bean capital of the universe. I really didn't know him, but a couple of my friends were pretty close to him. So everyone and watch and vote for Luke Menard!

See, lots of distractions... weight loss and American Idol... should keep me busy over the next few months!