Dear Body...

Dear Body,
You've been used. You've been abused.

But you know what? You deserve it!

You've hurt me more than I've hurt you. I'm typically not one to hold onto grudges very long. But I cannot forgive you.

Perhaps you cannont forgive me either.

We use to be close. Now, I am willing to take some of the responsibility for us parting ways. Yes, I use to run 5 miles a day. But, things change, you know.

I'm no longer the 20 something college student with hardly a care in the world.

No, I am now 31 year old, I have a kid, a marriage, and a stressful job. It seems you don't take this into consideration. I'm overweight, stressed, and sleep deprived.

You can't say I don't try. I AM TRYING!! I'm trying to reconcile. For the past month, I'm eating high fiber, low fat, and limiting my calories. I'm trying to excercise.

I really hope you start to appreciate my efforts. In addition to the above attempts at reconcilation, I'm also taking supplements to help YOU feel better.

You have never been reliable. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the whole fertility and miscarriage subject. Remember?

See that's the thing... I can't seem to get over that minor detail of my life.

I forgave you after the first miscarriage. I thought it would never happen again.

Then came the infertility, and this is when you started to fail me!

We tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't help me. I went to the doctor. They couldn't help me. I can't say I was ever overly confident of the doctor, but I expected more from you.

I then fell into a depression. I gained weight. I thought you'd show mercy on me. And you did... for 8 1/2 weeks.

A "miracle" pregnancy. Remember that one? I was being prepped to go to the OR. Remember that nice dermoid cyst on my left ovary you created? Yeah, the one with fat and thyroid tissue? Yeah, that was fun. And they did a pregnancy test before surgery and, low and behold, after 2 years of TTC I was pregnant! And the whole pre-op department was cheering, and laughing, and happy for us? I just knew that pregnancy was meant to be!

Only it wasn't.

I've had it! The last straw was this past September. Another "miracle" pregnancy that lasted 12 weeks. The baby was alive hours before I miscarried! What the hell happened? Why was my cervix so thin? Now I can't even trust my cervix?!?

Is it a clotting disorder? Is it immunological? Is it PCOS? You have no answers.

I'm sorry to rehash all of this. I just can't trust you anymore. I suppose you can't trust me either.

But I will try, Body, I will try to respect you more. I am recommiting myself to you. We have to learn to live with each other. I will lose weight, and get more sleep, and excercise more. I'll take my vitamin supplements in hopes that we both gain something.

2008 is still new. Let's both make an effort to rekindle what we once had.

Thanks for Listening,
Jen