'Twas the season...

We had a busy, but fun, Christmas back home in Illinois. After an 11 hour car ride to my in-laws (delays due to weather, should have been around 6), we finally arrived. We then spent Christmas Eve with them, and then drove another 2 hours to see my family.

The boys' did wonderful in the car. Mommy, not so much.

To sum up our travels...



I go back to work this Friday, Jan. 2nd. I'm not ready, but I guess I need to be.

In case anyone was wondering...

... the hustle and bustle of the holiday season and a colicky baby do not go well together. Just in case you didn't know that.

I don't know... colic, reflux, adverse reaction to my dairy intake? This fussiness is all new to me. Matthew was the easiest baby. Not that Owen is that difficult, but around 7 or 8 at night he starts fussing. Now, I've heard of babies who cry for hours no matter what anyone does for them. But Owen is content to be held and "snacking" as I call it. He'll nurse, then take a 15 minute break, and want to nurse again. And, rather aggressively, I might add. Doctor said it sounds like colic. I just feel bad for the little guy. He's not a happy camper. I guess I'll keep trying to figure it out.

Had my 6 week post-partum appointment today. I can't believe it's been 6 weeks! Had the ole birth control talk with my doctor... it was all I could do but practically burst out laughing mid-conversation. Me? Birth control? Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!

Hubs was all adamant about Owen being our last. I was fine with that, as it is not as if we've had the best of luck fertility wise. Owen was an unexpected blessing. A true miracle. I feel so blessed that he is here with us. But, now we just aren't sure if we want to try again. I don't know if I'm strong enough to TTC. Who knows how long it would take us to conceive? And what if I had another miscarriage? Do we want to practice some sort of birth control, or just let "nature take it's course"? We just don't know.

I feel selfish contemplating baby #3. I feel angry that infertility and pregnancy loss has made me scared to think of trying to conceive again.

I guess once you're an infertile, you're always an infertile, no matter how many babies you have. It changes the fiber of your being forever.

I am so grateful for the little men in my life. It was worth every tear and every heart ache. Infertility can't rob me of that.

Giving Thanks

I was going to write a list of all the things I am thankful for this year. But in doing so, I realized there would be far to many things to list.

We have had our share of miracles this year...


I don't know why we were blessed so much this year. But, we thank the Lord for hearing our prayers. We pray that we find a way to pay it forward.

Praying for you and yours.

The Truth Hurts

I've seen this around a while ago, and never got around to trying it.

What American accent do you have?

Your Result: The Inland North

 

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Midland

 

The South

 

Philadelphia

 

North Central

 

The Northeast

 

The West

 

Boston

 

What American accent do you have?
Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Ye Olde Abandon Blog

Hi... remember me? Fifteen weeks pregnant and freaking out with every twitch and every symptom (or lack there of).

Yeah, I had to take a break from the blogosphere for a while (OK... more like 6 months!).

I was googling and looking at every blog I could find about "miscarriage at 15 weeks." Or "lack of fetal movement at 17 weeks." This continued throughout the 2nd trimester. When I entered the 3rd trimester, I stopped going on the internet. It was hard, but I resisted. Apparently, I enjoy a form of self torture where I read other's stories of loss, and rationalize that if it happened to "them," it could happen to "me." Not exactly healthy to put myself in that frame of mind.

So, I walked away. It was really hard, but I did it.

And here it is mid-November. And guess what? I have a healthy, wonderful, miraculous 2 1/2 week baby boy. I'm still trying to figure out how that happened!

Introducing... Owen Henry



He was born on Halloween via scheduled C-section (thank God!), and weighed 9 lbs. 10 oz, and was 21 1/2 inches.



His big brother Matthew seems to be adjusting well...





(and he's doing very well in Kindergarten!).

Well, there you have it. A small but rather significant update. One I never thought I'd ever be posting... I am a mother of two. Weird. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that one.

In the coming weeks, I'm gonna try a new blog layout, and really, really try to post often. No promises, but that's the plan.

I hope to catch up with everything soon!

I Hate This...

Things have been going well on the pregnancy front. I'm 15 + weeks.

But over the past 3 days I've been experiencing this "heaviness," or "sensation." I don't even know how to describe it. It's basically from my lower abdomen radiating to what I believe is my cervical area, and occasional "twinges" in the vajay-jay area.

It's not cramping. It's not pain. It's just there. There to make worry, and make me all paranoid.

I haven't had any spotting (knocking on wood). I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. He wasn't planning on doing an ultrasound, but I will ask to make sure everything is OK with my cervix. 2 weeks ago, it was great. So hopefully things will continue to go that way.

I'm tired of worrying. It's exhausting. But I guess it's par for the course.

Feeling Like a Fraud

Well I did it.

I went to K*hls and bought 2 pairs of maternity pants. A pair of jeans and a pair of dress pants for work. I got the jeans for $14 and the dress pants for $4.40 (on clearance!). I had to. None of my button up pants are buttoning-up.

I'm coming to about the 13 week mark in this pregnancy. You might say it's a bit early for me to require maternity clothes. But the little bit my uterus has grown has pushed my fat out even further. So, it's mostly to make my fat more comfy.

But it was the stranges sensation shopping in the maternity section. I really didn't want to. I considered just buying regular pants in a size or two bigger. Then I figured I'll have to move into maternity clothes at some point, so why not? Problem was it was like moving into sacred ground. Like when the cool kids in high school sat at the cool table in the cafeteria. And one day, they invite you to sit at the cool table. You've been waiting and waiting to sit at the cool table. Come to find out you like it, it just feels very ackward. And bit fraudulent.

Where we're at...

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. Between being outside with Matthew all day enjoying the fabulous weather, and going to bed by 8:30 every night, I haven't had much time to do much of anything lately. Including laundry, dishes, and all that good stuff!

So, I had another doctor's appt. yesterday. The first with my regular OB/GYN. It went really well. I had yet another ultrasound. The baby is measuring right around 11 1/2 weeks. I thought I had just hit the 11 week mark, so that was a pleasant surprise.

My OB has decided to wean me off the prednisone at 12 weeks, stop the Progesterone at 12 weeks, and keep my on the Lovenox and aspirin as a sort of "safety net." We have no idea if this combination of drugs has made this pregnancy last as long as it has, but I didn't want to risk stopping the Lovenox and, well, have my first second trimester lost. That doesn't sound like much fun to me.
.
He also is having me come in for bi-weekly ultrasounds until about 16 weeks. Around 16 weeks, I'll come in for weekly ultrasounds for a few weeks to ensure my cervix is stable. Sounds good to me!

He then got into whether or not I want to have a repeat C-section or try for a VBAC. I laughed. We concluded that perhaps we should wait until I'm way into the second trimester before we have that discussion.

So all in all, things are going as well as they can. Other than being tired, I'm not having a lot of morning sickness or anything like that. Which is strange. I've always had pretty bad morning sickness w/ all four of my other pregnancies. I've been craving poptarts, which was what I pretty much survived on in college. Strange.

Alrighty then. I think I might do a load or two of laundry. And then I'll have to take a nap!

** Edited to add: There, I did it. To prove I do not believe in jinxes, I've added a pregnancy countdown thingy. I've always wanted to have one. So, I did it. I'm not jinxing myself, am I?!?

10 weeks

Today marks 10 weeks. It's becoming more and more difficult to restrain myself from getting excited.

Except that with my last pregnancy, the 10 week mark is when all hell broke loose. I started spotting, and it was all down hill from there until I miscarried at 12 weeks.

But I know that this is a whole new pregnancy. It is different then any pregnancy I've ever had. It's unique. I want to stop focusing on the past, and focus on the future.

Anyway, I have my next ultrasound appointment a week from tomorrow.

In other news, I bought a waxing kit and waxed my eyebrows. Why didn't I try this before?!? For years I've been plucking, or paying someone else to do the waxing for me. But for my first time, I think it went very well and will be doing it again in the future.

The Second Ultrasound...

... went well! The baby is measuring right at 9 weeks. Heart rate was 156. It was even moving around! I've been released to my regular OB/GYN. I guess all is going well.

I want to get more excited about this pregnancy. It's just that, as I've noted before, I've been down this road before. I've had many "great" ultrasounds.

I hope I don't jinx myself when I say I have a certain "peace" over the past few days. I've just really come to realize that this whole thing is out of my hands. All I can do is take my medications as prescribed and pray. And I've been doing a lot both.

Obsessing, Sleeping, Worrying, and More Sleeping

That about sum's up my last week.

Nothing really going on. Which is good, I'm not complaining. But not much to report.

I've been having some weird pelvic twitches?/pain?/pressure?/cramping? I have no idea how to classify what I'm feeling. It's only occasional. It's more like a keen awareness that I have a uterus. Dr. Google and DH seem to say this is normal. "Round ligament stretching." Golly, I hope that's all it is. You think I'd know what's normal by now, being this is my 5th pregnancy. But I haven't had too much of normal when it comes to the pregnancy department.

Approx. 8 weeks today. The way I look at it, in a few weeks, I should know how this is all going to turn out, one way or another. Just a few short weeks.

In the meantime, I'll keep sleeping. I'm so tired. How I long for my recliner and blanket. DH is taking good care of me. Hot fudge sundaes whenever I ask for them. Hey, I might as well enjoy the perks of pregnancy for as long as I can!

Good

So my ultrasound went well. I'm measuring just over 7 weeks. There was a heart beat. I'm just not an optimist. I want to be, but I just can't. But, I'll take the good news.

There was a small fluid filled sac just outside of the gestational sac. My doctor said it's nothing to worry about. I've never had that before. I'd like to think that maybe the sac is filled with glue. Yeah, that's it. Baby glue.

I'm also craving meat. In particular meat balls and meat loaf. I made DH stop by Subway after the appointment to get a meatball sub. I don't think I've ever had one of those before. But, it was like heaven on bread... mmmmmmm! Baby wants meat!

I've decided I'm going to blame everything on the baby for now... might as well enjoy being pregnant in any facet I can!

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is 1st ultrasound day. I'm scared, but relieved to get it over with.

I anticipate everything will be "normal." My symptoms have escalated... I'm more nauseous and more tired than ever.

What's frustrating is we could have a great ultrasound tomorrow. It might even get our hopes up a little.

But I've had perfect ultrasounds before.

So I'm looking at it as just one more hurdle to jump, in a really, really long race.

Today

Today was your due date. The doctors thought that you would be born around this day. So much would be different. You would be here.

Today is the first day of spring... new beginnings.

It seems as though I have another baby growing in me for the moment. This has made it hard to remember you. Not because I don't want too. But I am struggling with the same feelings of doubt that I had with you, and that I now have for your sibling.

I know that when I get to Heaven, I will meet you there. All three of my little boys who I didn't get to meet here. This truly will be a great reward.

Until then, I remember you. You have left an ever-lasting footprint on my heart.

Love Always,
Mommy

Feeling Nothing

This pregnancy has been pretty easy to ignore... minus the Lovenox injections & bruising they cause, and of course, the butt-load of pills I'm taking.

I'm not really nauseous. Maybe a little more tired than usual. My boobs hurt occasionally. I am hungry all the time, but I think the Prednisone maybe partially to blame for that.

My dates put me at 6 weeks today. I usually ovulate on day 16-17 of my cycle, so I think actually I'm just shy of 6 weeks. I wish I could have my ultrasound this week, verify if there's a heartbeat or not, and move on with my life.

Although all 3 of my babies I've lost have had heartbeats at the first ultrasound. So, I guess it wouldn't bring me that much peace of mine.

I just want to feel something. This is pregnancy #5 for me, and if I recall, I think my morning sickness usually really kicks in around week 8 or so. You think I'd be an expert by now. And I know all to well that morning sickness doesn't equal a healthy pregnancy.

It's just so hard.

Not Risky Enough

So, I just made my first OB appointment with my RE for Wednesday, March 26th.

I then hung up and called a major University healthcare system here in Michigan. I simply wanted a second opinion on managing our pregnancy, given the fact no one has any idea why I keep miscarrying.

So I called. Got a receptionist lady. I asked to make an appointment with the specific doctor a friend-of-a-friend referred me to. The receptionist asked why I need to see a "high-risk" physician. I state because I've had 3 recurrent pregnancy losses, and prefer not to have a 4th. I also told her I had unexplained secondary infertility. She asks when the losses occurred, and I tell her "9 1/2, 8, and 12 weeks." She states that would not qualify me as "high risk," and that at least one of the losses would have had to occurred after 22 weeks. Until then, I would start off as "low risk" and move to "high risk" if they deemed it appropriate.

I don't know, but call me crazy. I've never made it far enough to fit their label of "high risk." What would one consider me? Seriously, low risk? I know, I know, scientists consider miscarriage is a "normal" part of pregnancy. I guess I thought that three in a row, plus infertility, would bump me up do a different category.

I know I could fight it. Rant and rave and demand an appointment. I'm sure it could work. I just don't feel like fighting. And I know that there is no standard of care for people like me... people who lose babies for now apparent reason. I just wanted someone to tell me that they agree with my doctor's treatment plan. That there is nothing they would or would not do differently.

As it stands now, my RE will probably see me until 8 weeks or so. Then he said he'd refer me to our friendly local maternal-fetal specialists.

I guess I shouldn't get too upset. Perhaps I should wait and see what the results of our first ultrasound bring. To see if there is, indeed, something worth fighting for.

Anyway, that whole conversation just pissed me off. Thanks for listening.

Hope?

Just an update on all our happenings.

My second round of labs came back today. Beta is doubling nicely. Progesterone on the lower end of normal, so I'm vaginal Progesterone, just to be on the safe side.

I started my Lovenox injections and Prednisone yesterday.

It's odd. I really am trying to ignore the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant. And am doing a pretty good job... although it is hard to ignore the pills, shots, vajayjay cream.

It's an odd place to be. I don't want to acknowledge I'm pregnant. I want to detach myself completely. And that way, if the worse case scenario happens, I'm hoping it won't hurt as bad.

But I can't help to have little glimpses of hope... I find myself daydreaming of baby names, of a due date, and nursery themes. Only to be smacked in the face of reality, knowing I've been in this same place now five times, and have only one child to show for it.

For now, I am going to try to enjoy the little glimmers of hope that come and go. All the while, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Not-So Comfortably Numb

Look what I did this morning:




In case you can't tell, yes, it is a positive pregnancy test. Excuse the pee on my desk.

All I can say is, what the hell?

I have no emotion. Just numb.

Do you want to see something else??



Matthew drew this family portait on Thursday. You can see me, clearly the one with the crazy hair. DH has ears, and Matthew looks just like DH, just sans ears. See that other smiley? I asked him when he gave me the drawing who that was... he said, "A baby."

I can only hope he's right. Please be right.

Well... that was sucky!

A few sucky things.

1) Luke got voted off American Idol tonight. I kind of knew it was coming. Frankly, he had a poor performance this week. It doesn't seem like many folks in cyberspace were pulling for him. It was nice to be rooting for someone I once knew, as it added a certain element to watching the show. I'll have to watch next week to come up with a new fav.

2) I believe Aunt Flo is on her way. Funny, I actually thought we stood a chance this cycle. Although, thinking back, I think we only did the deed once around the time I was ovulating due to DH's ebola-like virus and business travels. You think I'd have no hope left after 4 years of TTC, yet here I am still holding on. Either I'm a hopeless TTCer, or just plain stupid.

3) We had a playdate today with two of Matthew's preschool buddies. So that was THREE boys. Note to self and anyone else who might care: Do Not do playdates with an odd number of children! Somebody always gets left out... and in this case it was my boy. Oh, it broke my heart! Basically, it was my son's own fault. The other boys wanted to play Power Rangers. Matthew doesn't like Power Ranger's, and wanted to play Monster Trucks (go figure!). So the two boys played Power Rangers, and Matthew played with the trucks by himself. For the most part, he was fine with it. I tried to have him switch gears and play with the other boys, but he is a little head strong (don't know where he got that from!) His "best buddy" also made a comment about how he "doesn't like Matthew and likes Johnny (not his real name) better." Matthew stood there dumbfounded, and quickly got over it. Me, not so much! I know they are 5 years old, and have no idea the weight their actions and words have on other people. But as a mother, you might as well have torn my heart right out of my chest. Top all of this with a touch of PMS, and well, you have one nasty MaMa bear who just wants to protect her cub. Sucky.

4) Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer!?! I have no words.

5) We're suppose to get 12 inches of snow this weekend. Sucky, sucky, sucky.

6) I have to work this weekend. In the snow storm. Driving all over God's creation. Fun.

Dear Body...

Dear Body,
You've been used. You've been abused.

But you know what? You deserve it!

You've hurt me more than I've hurt you. I'm typically not one to hold onto grudges very long. But I cannot forgive you.

Perhaps you cannont forgive me either.

We use to be close. Now, I am willing to take some of the responsibility for us parting ways. Yes, I use to run 5 miles a day. But, things change, you know.

I'm no longer the 20 something college student with hardly a care in the world.

No, I am now 31 year old, I have a kid, a marriage, and a stressful job. It seems you don't take this into consideration. I'm overweight, stressed, and sleep deprived.

You can't say I don't try. I AM TRYING!! I'm trying to reconcile. For the past month, I'm eating high fiber, low fat, and limiting my calories. I'm trying to excercise.

I really hope you start to appreciate my efforts. In addition to the above attempts at reconcilation, I'm also taking supplements to help YOU feel better.

You have never been reliable. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, the whole fertility and miscarriage subject. Remember?

See that's the thing... I can't seem to get over that minor detail of my life.

I forgave you after the first miscarriage. I thought it would never happen again.

Then came the infertility, and this is when you started to fail me!

We tried, and tried, and tried, but you wouldn't help me. I went to the doctor. They couldn't help me. I can't say I was ever overly confident of the doctor, but I expected more from you.

I then fell into a depression. I gained weight. I thought you'd show mercy on me. And you did... for 8 1/2 weeks.

A "miracle" pregnancy. Remember that one? I was being prepped to go to the OR. Remember that nice dermoid cyst on my left ovary you created? Yeah, the one with fat and thyroid tissue? Yeah, that was fun. And they did a pregnancy test before surgery and, low and behold, after 2 years of TTC I was pregnant! And the whole pre-op department was cheering, and laughing, and happy for us? I just knew that pregnancy was meant to be!

Only it wasn't.

I've had it! The last straw was this past September. Another "miracle" pregnancy that lasted 12 weeks. The baby was alive hours before I miscarried! What the hell happened? Why was my cervix so thin? Now I can't even trust my cervix?!?

Is it a clotting disorder? Is it immunological? Is it PCOS? You have no answers.

I'm sorry to rehash all of this. I just can't trust you anymore. I suppose you can't trust me either.

But I will try, Body, I will try to respect you more. I am recommiting myself to you. We have to learn to live with each other. I will lose weight, and get more sleep, and excercise more. I'll take my vitamin supplements in hopes that we both gain something.

2008 is still new. Let's both make an effort to rekindle what we once had.

Thanks for Listening,
Jen

Sweet Boy

My dear, sweet son is currently at pre-school. I get to curl up in my favorite recliner with coffee in one hand and lap-top, well, on my lap. It's a nice 2 1/2 hour break.

I had to register him for Kindergarten yesterday. Our district makes you choose between a half day (3 hours) and a whole day (7 hours) program.

Sometimes having choices is not good. I wanted to do what was best for my son.

I consulted my dear friend Google to see what he had to say. It seems as if one study says half day is a better choice, just to have another study come out a month later that says whole day is the way to go.

I consulted my (real-life) friends and family members that are elementary school teachers. Again, no one could tell me that one program was better than the other.

I was advised to do what I think is best for my son, and our family.

So, I chose the half day program.

I would be lying to you if I told you our decision had nothing to do with the fact that I might not have another child, and I want Matthew to stay little for just one more year.

Just one more year.

You Know You're an Infertile When...

Let me preface this post by stating that I worked 42 hours in 3 days. I'm beyond brain dead.

Last Friday I received a company wide e-mail stating that there was someone in the office that found themselves unexpectedly pregnant. There was going to be a "contest" to see if anyone could guess who was the lucky mom-to-be.


I was at the office at midnight (don't ask), needless to say I was the only one in the office. I happened to spot the inter-office envelope where people were submitting their guesses. I just had to look!

Might I also add that everyone and their mother's-mother knows my infertility and miscarriage woes. People know that we have been TTC for 4 years.

The funny thing is that NOT ONE SINGLE vote had my name on it as the possible preggo.

Go figure.

Be Careful What You Wish For

I was trying to enjoy eating my diet cereal with fresh berries this morning. All the while dreaming of Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte with a Chocolate Scone (a complete breakfast with a mere 790 calories, come to find out!).

A segment on GMA came up about the African country of Mauritania. The men there like their women plump. I then considered moving to Mauritania. Until I read this, and decided against it.

I guess I'll keep on stuggling through the diet. And it has been a struggle of late!

Distractions

I haven't been blogging of late.

Why?

Because there is really nothing going on in my life right now. I mean, there is the everyday, run-of-the-mill stuff, but that's about it.

Which is fine. But rather boring.

One thing that has happened since I last blogged is that I'm doing "Weight Watchers." In quotes because it's my version of the plan! But today marks the 3 week mark, and I'm 9 pounds lighter! I've also gone back to the gym. I had stopped going around the holidays (not too bright, as I gained 10 pounds from Thanksgiving until 3 weeks ago!), but we were just too busy.

I've been consitently been trying to go now at least 3 times a week, when Matthew is in pre-school. The problem being snow days, snow days, and President's Day. Oh well.

There is news on the TTC/TTP front. No, unfortunately, I'm not pregnant! But I think we've come up with a new course of action. I refuse to call it a plan anymore, well, because the best laid out plans haven't worked out for us.

But a course of action. First off, I have to get healthy. Not only for reproductive purposes, but I have to do it for my health in general. I refuse to publish how much I weigh. I out right refuse. But, I do feel somewhat comfortable sharing my BMI.

It's a sad truth. 29.

Anything over 30 is considerd "obese." Shit!

I really don't want to be in that catergory. Definately not good for TTC, not good for anything.

So, we are going to TTC on our own with timed intercourse and possibly do the whole Femara/IUI until my BMI is less than or equal to 24.9... or "Normal Weight." A mere 36 pounds to go.

Assuming I will not get pregnant in this time, I will then be at a healthier weight, for myself and for looking more seriously at IVF.

I'm not overly confident I will ever be able to carry another baby to term. But being at a healthier weight may help a little.

Not to mention, it's a good distraction.

Speaking of distractions, I have only been watching American Idol a few times here and there this season. I was browsing People.com (go figure), and came across his picture:


He made it to the final 24 on American Idol. I went to college with this guy! Millikin University is a small school with about 3,000 students, located in the Soy Bean capital of the universe. I really didn't know him, but a couple of my friends were pretty close to him. So everyone and watch and vote for Luke Menard!

See, lots of distractions... weight loss and American Idol... should keep me busy over the next few months!

Pirates & Monster Trucks

Matthew's birthday celebrations have been a hit so far! The pirate cupcakes went over well at school:





We made our way to Indy to see his beloved Monster Trucks...

Matthew & a favorite fellow Michigander, Jim Koehler aka "Mr. Excitement."

Matthew and his ABSOLUTE FAVORITE driver, Tom Meents!
I thought he was going to pee his pants he was so excited!

It was so neat to see him so excited!
Now, I was trying to take pictures of the type of folk that come out for a Monster Truck Rally. Fearing for my life, I could only get a few. Let's just say I've never seen more mullets and "tails" in my life! Perhaps the most interesting person I saw there was her:

Who knew?!?

Where Has the Time Gone!?!

Happy 5th birthday, Matthew!

(I was hoping to add some cute newborn photos, but the digital images are on our old hard-drive, and, alas, our scanner is not compatible with Vista... thus, no pictures.)

I cannot express how much you mean to me. You have changed my life in more ways than I can count. I have loved every minute of being your mommy. I can't believe that 5 years ago today, I first held you in my arms. Thank you for all you have given me.

(And to prove my love for this child, tomorrow we are hauling our butts to Indianapolis, IN to see his beloved Monster Trucks... that's right... Monster Trucks. Sure, they were in Detroit, a mere hour from my home a week ago. Sure, Indy is a 4 1/2-hour drive. But his FAVORITE truck/driver wasn't at the Detroit "show," and the closest he's getting to Michigan is Indy. Be sure, pictures to follow!)

Man I love this kid!

Think Before You Speak

If there is one thing infertility has taught me, it is to think before I speak.

For example, my friend who recently found out she was pregnant, has had some intermittent spotting. She knows, as do I, that it could be "nothing", or it could be "something."

I think the old Jen, meaning the fertile Jen, would have conjured up such wise words such as, "Everything is going to be fine," or the "If it's meant to be, it will be."

Now the less-fertile but wiser Jen really doesn't say to much to my friend in way of advice. I just let her talk... and tell her that I'll be there for her every step of the way.

See, I've learned... think before you speak.

The reason I bring this all up is I had an awful experience the other day. You see, my dear son turns 5 in a few short days. I can't believe that he's that old! It's gone by so quickly, and everyday he gets bigger, and smarter, and, well, less dependent on me. All of this is bitter sweet. I love to see the person he is turning into, but at the same time, it is hard to see him getting so big!

So, my friend and I have been looking for an excuse to get together. I've been getting everything ready for all of Matthew's birthday festivities (in 3 different states, mind you!). So, she volunteered to "help," as well just get together.

I was making little "goody" bags, and she was helping me stuff them. I was showing her the rather detailed Pirate cupcakes I'm planning on making for his class(pictures to follow!), as well as the other things I have planned.

To which she replied, "You can tell you only have ONE kid!"

Gee, thanks for noticing! Would you like me to lie down on the floor? Perhaps it would be easier for you to kick me if I get down for you?

Of all the idiotic things to say!

Now, I know what she meant. It appears as if I have to much time on my hands. I have always had the tendency to over-do things... to take on more than what is needed. But the truth of the matter is, if I had 10 kids, I think I would do the same for all 10, because that's just what I do. I like to think I'm kind of a "Martha Stewart" type, minus that whole insider trading thing. I love home-making and being crafty, and all of that stuff. I was like this before I got married and before I had Matthew. Having a kid is like hitting the jack-pot when you're crafty, because there are so many opportunities to create things alone, and with the child.

Now, this friend knows what we've been through. I know she didn't mean to be cruel.

I wish I could have come up with something witty after the remark was said such as,"Yeah, in between working out of the home part-time, crunching numbers to see if we can afford fertility treatments and/or adoption, doing house-work, researching infertility treatments and adoption, and, oh yeah, taking care of my ONE kid, I like to be crafty."

But I didn't. I kind of tried to ignore what was said, and move on.

Just move on.

Faith

"It doesn't have to make sense, that's why it's called faith."

I still love this show!

I've been watching it from the beginning... and think it is very true to life.

Goosebumps.

Let me start this post by celebrating myself.

Today I'm 31 years old.

My dad always tells me the story of my birth, or rather impending birth on January 17th. I arrived about 3 weeks early. It was -26 degrees in Chicago. The car wouldn't start. So they used a neighbors VW bug to get my mom to the hospital. It was about a 30 minute car ride. My mom was scraping frost from the inside of the windshield... and through this comedy of errors, they decided on my name.

Jennifer Lynn.

How original for a girl born in the '70's! Good job Mom & Dad!

We had dinner and cake. It's been a nice day, very relaxing.

I have spent the last half-hour or so surfing the net, one of my favorite past-times. And one of my guilty pleasures is Perez. Yup, I admit it. I love good smut.

It's usually good for a good laugh. But tonight, I saw this, and it literally sent a chill down my spine.

I don't even know who this woman is. Honestly. The only reason I know of her is from what Perez "reports" of her. But any news of another's miscarriage makes me want to cry. Because I know the pain she's going through right now. I can't imagine announcing to the whole world that you're pregnant, and then having to announce to the whole world that now you're not.

My heart goes out to you Lily... who-ever and where-ever you are.

Decision 2008

The Michigan primary was held yesterday. I am a transplant here in the Great Lakes state. I must say I have yet to understand the politics here.

Just as the nation has to come to some sort of a decision in 2008 in regards to electing a new president, I feel as if my husband and I must to come to a decision in regards to our future as well.

I think I've expressed this before, but I'm getting tired of this journey. We desperately want another child. And if the past 4 years hasn't proven that this is no easy task, I know that our upcoming decisions will.

The way I see it, we have 3 choices.

#1) Pursue more fertility treatments. My doctor wanted me to start (start meaning since my September miscarriage)Femara with IUI and see if that works (although I've failed 6 rounds of Clomid with 2 IUIs). He then offered to do more Gonadotropins with IUI (again, did 3 rounds already... two with IUI, and one cancelled due to over-stimulation). Of course, he says I can do IVF if I want to. Honestly, I can't see my self jumping through all these hoops again. I think if we decide to do more treatments, I just assume go straight to IVF. Which is fine. But I know all to well that it doesn't guarantee I would get pregnant. And if I got lucky and got pregnant... well, that doesn't mean I'll have a baby.

#2) We adopt. Sounds easy enough. We would need to decide what type of adoption to pursue. International sounds good... but, are there any stable programs at the moment? Not to mention the hefty price tag.

Domestic. I'm not sure I like the idea of relying on someone to choose my fate. I guess it's a control thing.

Foster-adopt. So much to consider. I must say, I've been really looking into this one. It seems like a win-win. I know that any child that is in the foster-care system is there for a reason. And with those reason's comes "issues." Complicating this is that I have an almost 5-year old son. I feel pretty strongly about preserving birth-order. We would all have to work with and through whatever "issues" we face as a family. Which could be too much for a 5-year old to handle.

#3) We leave well enough alone. We are blessed beyond belief with one happy, healthy child. Maybe, just maybe, we'll get lucky in the future. Problem being is that my eggs aren't getting any younger (I'll be 31 TOMORROW, I know I'm not "old," but I certainly am not getting any younger!). DH will be 40 this year. I really don't like this option.

So there is my brief synopsis of the thoughts that haunt me on a daily (and nightly)basis.

We will have a decision by year's end. We just have to.

All is well...

So, I guess I over-reacted with the whole dog thing.

The lump was just a benign fatty lumpy thing.

Although, when I brought him to the vet, she palpated the mass and stated, "well Golden's are prone to lipoma's (benign fatty things) and to sarcoma's, it could be either."

Thanks for scaring the shit out of me so I'd pay for a biopsy.

Nevertheless, $89 later, we have a healthy pup.

In other news, I wore make-up and Spanx to work today. I received many complements. Ringing product endorsement... Thank you Spanx, a true miracle to women everywhere!

Alright, back to work!

Worry

It's 12 am and I'm blogging.

Insomnia tends to be a reoccurring theme in my life right now.

Now, don't laugh... but tonight I'm not up because I'm pondering infertility treatments, or trying to punch numbers to figure out how we could afford treatments and/or adoption.

No, tonight I worry for my dog.

I noticed a lump on his chest while I was petting him today. A pretty large, solid type lump. I've never noticed it before, but it's kind of in a weird spot.

Cooper (my dog), celebrated his 6th birthday this past Sunday. Matthew (DS) had so much fun making plans for his dog's special day. I made a grooming appointment in the afternoon so that he could get a much needed bath, grooming, and nail trim. More a present for us then him! Matthew and I dropped him off, and wandered the pet store. He took a good 20 minutes finding Cooper a special toy. He ended up picking a clearenced candy cane shaped rawhide bone. Works for me!

We then headed to the fabric store. I had this idea to make Cooper a bandanna for his collar. We bought Green Bay Packer fabric for one side of the bandanna (DH and DS are Packer fans... sick, I know!), and Chicago Bear fabric for the other side (I'm a Bears fan... sad, I know!). Anyway, I whipped up a reversible bandanna that slides onto his collar. Yes, I can be quite crafty! Matthew got such a kick out of giving Cooper his presents... and playfully arguing with me over which side of the bandanna should be exposed!

Today, I noticed the lump. Upon the discovery, I felt that sick feeling in the pit of my gut. Then, I thought, lots of dogs get lumps that end up being nothing. When DH got home from work, I had him feel it. I thought he'd down-play it, and tell me it's probably nothing... all to avoid a costly trip to the vet. But, he surprised me by saying I need to get him in asap.

I know all this worry could be for nothing. I certainly hope so.

When something bad like this happens, the reality of how much you love the damn thing surfaces.

I feel bad that he's such a good dog, and I find him to be such a pest.

I feel bad that I don't give him the attention he deserves.

Mostly though, he is an awesome companion to my son, and the thought of losing him makes me physically ill. There is a tremendous guilt I have that I cannot give my son a sibling. Now, I'm not comparing my dog to a child, but he has brought me comfort knowing that he has brought a certain kind of companionship with my son. They're great friends. They play "tag" in the back yard. Cooper chases Matthew's sled down the hill. They even "fight" like siblings sometimes! I cannot even fathom how I would begin to tell my little boy the news if this does indeed turn out to be something bad. The mere thought of it breaks my heart.

I know I shouldn't get ahead of myself. But, that's what I do.

A Random Haiku

Toilet paper roll.
You see the shiny holder?
Apparently not.

Twins...

It's confirmed... my friend is pregnant with twins!

She's says she's really not even excited. She wants to be... but she just can't.

I totally get it.

Add a little bit of spotting to the mix, and you have one anxious momma-to-be.

Dear God, please bless my friend with these babies. She needs them. And I need them, too... I think we could all use a little hope these days.

Just Too Risky

Happy '08... it's just gotta be great! That's my new thinking.

So I got my period on New Year's Day. Happy New Year to me. It was fine. I mean, come on... after TTC for 4 years, you get use to disappointment. But, I did have a sliver of hope. A tiny, tiny sliver.

Things just have to get better, right? I mean, I am really happy with most aspects of my life. It's just on the fertility front, not so much.

All I can think about is "the next step." It haunts me. I wake in the middle of the night, and it comes to the forefront of my mind.

It plagues me. My husband just got a new job. Should we keep my insurance that offers some IF coverage? Or do we switch to the new insurance? I just love Human Resources' Benefit explanations... I think they purposely try to confuse you so you don't dare try to seek IF treatment. Can someone tell me what the hell this means?:
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Infertility care:
Note: Fertility Drugs are subject to a total covered charge of $5,000 per person per Calendar Year.

In-Network: $25 co-pay per visit, then paid at 100% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs

Out-of-Network: 50% for only those procedures which support the use of Fertility Drugs
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

WTF?

Well, I suppose I could call HR and ask, but in my experience, the average person sitting behind a desk in HR doesn't know specifics regarding IF/IVF coverage.

And there was nothing regarding adoption assistance in this packet of information. It just covered Health & Dental insurance. I just wanted an answer. I guess what's a little more waiting?

Since AF made an appearance, I was looking into IVF shared risk programs. Apparently, I do not qualify for most of these programs anymore since we hit miscarriage #3. I done gone and f'd that up, too. Just too big of a risk. Great. If it's too big of a gamble for these companies, maybe it's too big of a gamble for us? I don't know.

So where does this leave us? We have no idea if DH's new job will cover IUI or IVF. I don't qualify for a shared risk program. And we have no idea as to whether or not is new company offers any type of adoption assistance.

I'm tired.